Hoohah's Very Easy But Cocking Lovely Banana Bread.
This is very simple and is a good way to use up old bananas – the browner the better.
You will need:
Ripe bananas (no set amount, but should fill a mug when mashed up)
250g ish self raising flour
3tsp baking powder
110g ish butter/fat of your choice
200g ish sugar
2 eggs
minute amounts of salt, lemon juice, vanilla essence etc
Anything fruity or nutty you have lying about the kitchen
Method:
Cream together sugar and butter, add beaten eggs. Mash up bananas and add with your lemon juice and vanilla essence (1/2tsp each), and anything else you like – I often use chopped walnuts and cashew nuts, and blueberries work well too.
Sift flour, baking powder and pinch of salt, and mix into bananary goodness.
Grease a loaf dish, splodge in mixture, and bake at 190° for an hour and a quarter (or less time in a hotter oven, just keep an eye on it.)
This is nice as is, but if you want to make it sexier chop up some walnuts and caramelise quickly in brown sugar with a pinch of cayenne pepper, then drizzle the banana bread with a bit of maple syrup and sprinkle the nuts over the top.
Sunday 25 March 2007
L-Space's Lamb with Red Wine and Redcurrant Sauce.
L-Space's Lamb with Red Wine and Redcurrant Sauce, Served With Baby Carrots, Savoy Cabbage and Garlic (and Rosemary) Mashed Potatoes.
A veritable knicker-remover.
Piss-easy, serves 2, cooks in approximately 30 minutes.
Ingredients:
For the meat:
4 x small lean lamb leg steaks
a good splash of olive oil
about 3 heaped teaspoons of redcurrant jelly
a large glass of red wine (any medium to full-bodied, cheap and drinkable wine will do)
about half a teaspoon of arrowroot, or a teaspoon of flour (optional)
For the accompaniments:
some potatoes - I prefer nice floury ones; how many depends on how hungry you are
butter - an ounce for the cabbage and to taste for the mash - preferably lots
a couple of teaspoons of olive oil
2 cloves of garlic
milk - to taste for the mash
2 teaspoons very finely chopped fresh rosemary (optional)
some baby carrots
Savoy cabbage
Instructions:
Peel the garlic, and crush the cloves a bit with the side of a heavy knife. Put the crushed cloves into a pan with your potatoes, and set them to boil. Heat the oil in a frying pan and cook steaks for about 4-6 minutes each side - don't overdo it, they will be much better slightly rare.
While the meat is cooking, chop the cabbage, and place in a pan with an ounce of melted butter and a teaspoon or so of oil. Cover, and cook gently for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Boiling the baby carrots will take about ten minutes too, so set these going at the same time.
Remove the steaks from the pan and keep them warm. Deglaze the pan (that just means scrape all the meaty bits off) with the wine, then add the redcurrant jelly. Let it boil until it reduces by a third to a half and thickens a bit. Optionally, for a thicker sauce, take the pan off the heat for a minute or two and sprinkle the arrowroot or flour on, whisking quickly to avoid lumps, then return to the heat to thicken. I usually don't find it necessary, to be honest.
Drain the potatoes, then return them to the heat for a minute or two to dry off and fluff up - shake the pan continuously or you'll burn them. Mash them completely (and the cloves of garlic that are in there) before adding the butter and milk. Stir the rosemary in to taste, if required.
Drain any excess from the cabbage and drain the carrots.
I present it as follows:
Arrange the cabbage into a ring towards the centre of the plate, and place the mash neatly in the middle.
Slice each steak at an angle through the short edge (so you get two thinner steaks) and fan them out on top of the potato. Chuck the carrots on the side, and pour the sauce over the top of the meat, then in a ring around the plate. To garnish, if you are so inclined, top it all with a tiny sprig of rosemary.
Wear a condom.
A veritable knicker-remover.
Piss-easy, serves 2, cooks in approximately 30 minutes.
Ingredients:
For the meat:
4 x small lean lamb leg steaks
a good splash of olive oil
about 3 heaped teaspoons of redcurrant jelly
a large glass of red wine (any medium to full-bodied, cheap and drinkable wine will do)
about half a teaspoon of arrowroot, or a teaspoon of flour (optional)
For the accompaniments:
some potatoes - I prefer nice floury ones; how many depends on how hungry you are
butter - an ounce for the cabbage and to taste for the mash - preferably lots
a couple of teaspoons of olive oil
2 cloves of garlic
milk - to taste for the mash
2 teaspoons very finely chopped fresh rosemary (optional)
some baby carrots
Savoy cabbage
Instructions:
Peel the garlic, and crush the cloves a bit with the side of a heavy knife. Put the crushed cloves into a pan with your potatoes, and set them to boil. Heat the oil in a frying pan and cook steaks for about 4-6 minutes each side - don't overdo it, they will be much better slightly rare.
While the meat is cooking, chop the cabbage, and place in a pan with an ounce of melted butter and a teaspoon or so of oil. Cover, and cook gently for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Boiling the baby carrots will take about ten minutes too, so set these going at the same time.
Remove the steaks from the pan and keep them warm. Deglaze the pan (that just means scrape all the meaty bits off) with the wine, then add the redcurrant jelly. Let it boil until it reduces by a third to a half and thickens a bit. Optionally, for a thicker sauce, take the pan off the heat for a minute or two and sprinkle the arrowroot or flour on, whisking quickly to avoid lumps, then return to the heat to thicken. I usually don't find it necessary, to be honest.
Drain the potatoes, then return them to the heat for a minute or two to dry off and fluff up - shake the pan continuously or you'll burn them. Mash them completely (and the cloves of garlic that are in there) before adding the butter and milk. Stir the rosemary in to taste, if required.
Drain any excess from the cabbage and drain the carrots.
I present it as follows:
Arrange the cabbage into a ring towards the centre of the plate, and place the mash neatly in the middle.
Slice each steak at an angle through the short edge (so you get two thinner steaks) and fan them out on top of the potato. Chuck the carrots on the side, and pour the sauce over the top of the meat, then in a ring around the plate. To garnish, if you are so inclined, top it all with a tiny sprig of rosemary.
Wear a condom.
Spangolin's B00X3!!11ONEONE
Spangolin's B00X3!!11ONEONE
A few of my favourites:
The Dirty Mother
Malibu + milk. Yes, just that. It's fucking lush with ice and a little umbrella.
Mojitos
The drink that caused the disaster of drunkenness that was my work xmas party. Crushed ice, dark rum, limes (or lime cordial), brown sugar. Put it all in blender. Add some blended up mint leaves too - lots of these, ideally. Drink, get munted.
White Russian - make in tall glass
2 shots Kahlua, 2 shots vodka, fill the rest up with ice and milk. Drink. Fall over.
A few of my favourites:
The Dirty Mother
Malibu + milk. Yes, just that. It's fucking lush with ice and a little umbrella.
Mojitos
The drink that caused the disaster of drunkenness that was my work xmas party. Crushed ice, dark rum, limes (or lime cordial), brown sugar. Put it all in blender. Add some blended up mint leaves too - lots of these, ideally. Drink, get munted.
White Russian - make in tall glass
2 shots Kahlua, 2 shots vodka, fill the rest up with ice and milk. Drink. Fall over.
Spangolin's Famous And Lovely Cottage Pie.
Spangolin's Famous And Lovely Cottage Pie.
This is my favourite. Will serve 3 easily.
Ingredients:
4 large potatoes
butter
A bit of milk
Maybe some cheese for sprinkling
500g minced beef
A carrot
Some frozen peas (about a handful)
Red oxo cube
Lea & Perrins sauce
Brown rice miso, if you have some (not completely necessary, but nice)
Method:
First, peel all your potatoes, cut into quarters, and place in half-full saucepan of water. Bring to the boil, put on a relatively high heat, cover and vent, and leave for about 20 mins or until the potatoes are soft enough to slide off a fork if poked.
Drain, put lid back on and set aside.
Chop up carrots, put in saucepan with mince. Brown all the mince, mix it up and stuff. Try not to let it stick to the bottom of the pan. When it's all brown, add your crumbled oxo cube. If you have miso, add a spoon of it to about a pint of boiling water, then pour most of it in. If not, just add about half a pint of water to the mice now.
Splash some lea and perrins in. Don't drown the mince, just enough liquid to nearly cover. Add your peas now. Turn heat down, cover and leave to simmer for 5 mins.
Now turn oven on to about 200 degrees or whatever that is for gas. While it warms, mash up potatoes with lots of butter and maybe a tiny bit of milk.
When mince is done, put mince in the bottom of a pyrex casserole dish or something similar. Use a fork to spread the mashed potato over the top, filling in all holes. Eat some mashed potato now - cook's privilege. Sprinkle lots of cheese on top if you like.
Put in oven for half an hour to brown the top. Make sure dish is sitting on a tray or something - it will bubble over.
Manwhile, make some beans, or veg if you are feeling healthy. Ta-da!
This is my favourite. Will serve 3 easily.
Ingredients:
4 large potatoes
butter
A bit of milk
Maybe some cheese for sprinkling
500g minced beef
A carrot
Some frozen peas (about a handful)
Red oxo cube
Lea & Perrins sauce
Brown rice miso, if you have some (not completely necessary, but nice)
Method:
First, peel all your potatoes, cut into quarters, and place in half-full saucepan of water. Bring to the boil, put on a relatively high heat, cover and vent, and leave for about 20 mins or until the potatoes are soft enough to slide off a fork if poked.
Drain, put lid back on and set aside.
Chop up carrots, put in saucepan with mince. Brown all the mince, mix it up and stuff. Try not to let it stick to the bottom of the pan. When it's all brown, add your crumbled oxo cube. If you have miso, add a spoon of it to about a pint of boiling water, then pour most of it in. If not, just add about half a pint of water to the mice now.
Splash some lea and perrins in. Don't drown the mince, just enough liquid to nearly cover. Add your peas now. Turn heat down, cover and leave to simmer for 5 mins.
Now turn oven on to about 200 degrees or whatever that is for gas. While it warms, mash up potatoes with lots of butter and maybe a tiny bit of milk.
When mince is done, put mince in the bottom of a pyrex casserole dish or something similar. Use a fork to spread the mashed potato over the top, filling in all holes. Eat some mashed potato now - cook's privilege. Sprinkle lots of cheese on top if you like.
Put in oven for half an hour to brown the top. Make sure dish is sitting on a tray or something - it will bubble over.
Manwhile, make some beans, or veg if you are feeling healthy. Ta-da!
Spangolin's Nyommy Toad In The Hole.
Spangolin's Nyommy Toad In The Hole.
This is my easy-peasy and very nyommy toad in the hole recipe. It takes about 40 mins to do, leaving you free most of the time to lounge about or attempt to woo the person you are cooking it for. The whole thing also only costs about a fiver.
Preheat oven to about 200 degrees or whatever that is for gas.
Put some oil (not too much, just a drizzle) in a casserole dish and put your sausages in (a whole
packet, don't be stingy now). Put in oven for about 10 mins, or until the tops of the snorkers go a bit brown. The point is not to cook them all the way through, just a bit.
Meanwhile, mix up:
100g plain flour
200g milk
1 egg
Whisky whisky until it's nice and smooth with no lumps. When your sausages are done (oil should be smoking, ideally, very hot), pour this all over it. Put back in oven, for 30 mins.
If after 30 mins there is still some sloppy bits in the middle, leave in for another 10-15 mins. Serve with bean, gravy, potatoes,whatever you like.
This is my easy-peasy and very nyommy toad in the hole recipe. It takes about 40 mins to do, leaving you free most of the time to lounge about or attempt to woo the person you are cooking it for. The whole thing also only costs about a fiver.Preheat oven to about 200 degrees or whatever that is for gas.
Put some oil (not too much, just a drizzle) in a casserole dish and put your sausages in (a whole
packet, don't be stingy now). Put in oven for about 10 mins, or until the tops of the snorkers go a bit brown. The point is not to cook them all the way through, just a bit.
Meanwhile, mix up:
100g plain flour
200g milk
1 egg
Whisky whisky until it's nice and smooth with no lumps. When your sausages are done (oil should be smoking, ideally, very hot), pour this all over it. Put back in oven, for 30 mins.
If after 30 mins there is still some sloppy bits in the middle, leave in for another 10-15 mins. Serve with bean, gravy, potatoes,whatever you like.
Blackdogmanguitar's Chicken and Flageolet Beans
Blackdogmanguitar's Chicken and Flageolet Beans
Feeds 4
Ingredients:
4 chicken legs (whole legs, not just the drumstick or thigh)
2 medium onions, peeled and quartered
4 rashers of smoked bacon sliced into small pieces
3 whole cloves of garlic, peeled
1 ½ pints of chicken stock
Teaspoon of Thyme
Salt and pepper
Large glass of dry white wine
Teaspoon of flour
Olive oil and butter
2 tins of flageolet beans - drained
Salt and pepper
Method:
Pre-heat oven to 180c
Heat some butter and olive oil in a large frying pan on a low/medium heat and fry the onions and whole garlic cloves for about 5-7 minutes until they are golden and just starting to go brown at the edges.
Add the bacon and fry for 1-2 minutes until the fat on the bacon starts to cook
Turn the heat down to low and stir in the flour and cook for about 1 minute. This will look awful at this stage!
Add the wine and bring to the boil (this boils off the alcohol)
Add the Stock and stir in.
Now put your chicken legs in a large oven proof dish (we use a deep sided roasting tray) and pour the mixture over. Sprinkle over the thyme and season with freshly ground pepper and salt.
Cover the dish with foil and place in the middle of the oven for around 40 minutes.
Add the flageolet beans and cook for a further 30-40 minutes. You can turn the oven down and let it cook for ages at this point – though you may need to add more water.
10 minutes before you want to eat, remove the foil so that the chicken can brown.
Serve with plain boiled rice and a bit of green salad if you’re feeling healthy.
Feeds 4
Ingredients:
4 chicken legs (whole legs, not just the drumstick or thigh)
2 medium onions, peeled and quartered
4 rashers of smoked bacon sliced into small pieces
3 whole cloves of garlic, peeled
1 ½ pints of chicken stock
Teaspoon of Thyme
Salt and pepper
Large glass of dry white wine
Teaspoon of flour
Olive oil and butter
2 tins of flageolet beans - drained
Salt and pepper
Method:
Pre-heat oven to 180c
Heat some butter and olive oil in a large frying pan on a low/medium heat and fry the onions and whole garlic cloves for about 5-7 minutes until they are golden and just starting to go brown at the edges.
Add the bacon and fry for 1-2 minutes until the fat on the bacon starts to cook
Turn the heat down to low and stir in the flour and cook for about 1 minute. This will look awful at this stage!
Add the wine and bring to the boil (this boils off the alcohol)
Add the Stock and stir in.
Now put your chicken legs in a large oven proof dish (we use a deep sided roasting tray) and pour the mixture over. Sprinkle over the thyme and season with freshly ground pepper and salt.
Cover the dish with foil and place in the middle of the oven for around 40 minutes.
Add the flageolet beans and cook for a further 30-40 minutes. You can turn the oven down and let it cook for ages at this point – though you may need to add more water.
10 minutes before you want to eat, remove the foil so that the chicken can brown.
Serve with plain boiled rice and a bit of green salad if you’re feeling healthy.
Mince's Scottish Tablet.
Made this for the umpteenth time last night:
Mince's Scottish Tablet.
A very simple recipe devised by my flatmate's gran. I have made it lots. It has got me kudos with: girls, parents and grandparents who think I am a lazy student moocher (which I am).
Ingredients:
175g unsalted butter
1kg caster sugar
300ml milk (full-fat)
200g condensed milk
pinch of salt
1 tsp vanilla essence
Greased baking tray.
Method:
1) Melt the butter in a pan.
2) Dump in the sugar, milk and salt
3) Constantly stir the mixture on a high heat (reducing the heat if it's going to boil over) for about 15 minutes.
4) Add the condensed milk
5) Stir again on a high heat until the mixture visibly darkens and is quite stiff to stir (this will take about 15-20 mins).
6) Take the mix off the heat, still stirring (else it will set in the pan!).
7) Add the vanilla essence.
8) Beat the mix for about 5 mins.
9) Pour into your big, greasy tray
10) Leave it to cool on the side - no need for fridgey nonsense.
11) Wait..
12) Wait...
13) Wait....
14) Eat it all! Or, alternatively, share it with love.
Enjoy!
Mince's Scottish Tablet.
A very simple recipe devised by my flatmate's gran. I have made it lots. It has got me kudos with: girls, parents and grandparents who think I am a lazy student moocher (which I am).
Ingredients:
175g unsalted butter
1kg caster sugar
300ml milk (full-fat)
200g condensed milk
pinch of salt
1 tsp vanilla essence
Greased baking tray.
Method:
1) Melt the butter in a pan.
2) Dump in the sugar, milk and salt
3) Constantly stir the mixture on a high heat (reducing the heat if it's going to boil over) for about 15 minutes.
4) Add the condensed milk
5) Stir again on a high heat until the mixture visibly darkens and is quite stiff to stir (this will take about 15-20 mins).
6) Take the mix off the heat, still stirring (else it will set in the pan!).
7) Add the vanilla essence.
8) Beat the mix for about 5 mins.
9) Pour into your big, greasy tray
10) Leave it to cool on the side - no need for fridgey nonsense.
11) Wait..
12) Wait...
13) Wait....
14) Eat it all! Or, alternatively, share it with love.
Enjoy!
Morrybyte's "Fuck Me I Was Pissed Last Night" Hangover Omelette...
Morrybyte's "Fuck Me I Was Pissed Last Night" Hangover Omelette...
Guaranteed to make you feel fantastic. It doesn't require effort and is easier than anything else that requires cooking. May cause slightly sticky pan, use a teflon one if possible. Ace because all the weights and stuff are just made up - throw in what you feel like throwing in, the important part is how to do the eggs.
What you need:
- 3 eggs (4 if you're a fat bastard, 2 if you're on a diet or something)
- 200-400g of cheeses (doesn't matter which as long as they're hard.pfft, i wrote hard. In fact, just take any cheese you have that's about the size of your mobile phone - unless you've got one of those nifty slim ones).
- Ham, mushrooms, peppers, anything else you can think of. No potatos, they require too much effort.
Method:
Now, take your eggs and break them into a bowl (no eggshells, not cool. Pick them out with the finger you just scratched your arse with, mix with fork until the yellow stuff has mixed with the white stuff perfectly. May require a bit of speed, but we've got time. It is, after all, sunday morning. You can also use one of those mixer things, but they make a loud noise and I can't stand that with an already pounding brain.
Ok now leave that on the side, heat up the pan on the lowest setting whilst you reach for the cheese. It might be tempting to just use the brick of cheese you have now, but that would take too long to melt. The idea's a good one though, I respect your clarity of mind. Sorry, but you're gonna have to get the cheesegrater out. I tend to have done this step the night before, for some reason I find grating cheese hilarious when drunk. Go figure... Anyway work away, taking care not to open your arm up on the evil machine. You can use a knife instead and slice it into little squares, it's also fine.
Slice ham into about the width of sellotape and the length of your thumb. I said about, dont spend ages figuring it out. Peppers, well i get mine pre-sliced (Editor's Note - LAZY MORRYBYTE), but if you don't then cut one in half, take all the crap off and out and cut it into thing longish pieces. Next come the mushrooms, again, pre-sliced (What is the world coming to? - Ed) is ideal but if they're fresh just cut them into thin slices from the top down.
Throw all the stuff in with the eggs, mix until it's a thick, guey mess. Smells awesome, looks a bit rank.
The pan should be warm by now, turn setting to about middle, melt a slice of butter and spread around pan, pour in sludge. You should have the required equipment here, so get that pancake flippy thing that you never use anyway. Wait for the stuff to go a bit harder, you'll notice the bastard top isn't cooking. Using said pancake flippy thingy, lift the omelette a little and look underneath. Has it hardened yet? Is there any liquid flowing down? If not and it hasn't burned yet, turn it around. May look a bit worse the wear for it, dont worry it doesn't affect the taste.
When done, take off cooker, throw the omelette onto a plate or two. You're ready to tuck in, but not before the you put the pan into the sink, and turn the tap on for pleasing gush of steam.
Add salt/pepper. Looks absolutely disgusting, but is amazing.
Yumyum pig's bum!
Guaranteed to make you feel fantastic. It doesn't require effort and is easier than anything else that requires cooking. May cause slightly sticky pan, use a teflon one if possible. Ace because all the weights and stuff are just made up - throw in what you feel like throwing in, the important part is how to do the eggs.
What you need:
- 3 eggs (4 if you're a fat bastard, 2 if you're on a diet or something)
- 200-400g of cheeses (doesn't matter which as long as they're hard.pfft, i wrote hard. In fact, just take any cheese you have that's about the size of your mobile phone - unless you've got one of those nifty slim ones).
- Ham, mushrooms, peppers, anything else you can think of. No potatos, they require too much effort.
Method:
Now, take your eggs and break them into a bowl (no eggshells, not cool. Pick them out with the finger you just scratched your arse with, mix with fork until the yellow stuff has mixed with the white stuff perfectly. May require a bit of speed, but we've got time. It is, after all, sunday morning. You can also use one of those mixer things, but they make a loud noise and I can't stand that with an already pounding brain.
Ok now leave that on the side, heat up the pan on the lowest setting whilst you reach for the cheese. It might be tempting to just use the brick of cheese you have now, but that would take too long to melt. The idea's a good one though, I respect your clarity of mind. Sorry, but you're gonna have to get the cheesegrater out. I tend to have done this step the night before, for some reason I find grating cheese hilarious when drunk. Go figure... Anyway work away, taking care not to open your arm up on the evil machine. You can use a knife instead and slice it into little squares, it's also fine.
Slice ham into about the width of sellotape and the length of your thumb. I said about, dont spend ages figuring it out. Peppers, well i get mine pre-sliced (Editor's Note - LAZY MORRYBYTE), but if you don't then cut one in half, take all the crap off and out and cut it into thing longish pieces. Next come the mushrooms, again, pre-sliced (What is the world coming to? - Ed) is ideal but if they're fresh just cut them into thin slices from the top down.
Throw all the stuff in with the eggs, mix until it's a thick, guey mess. Smells awesome, looks a bit rank.
The pan should be warm by now, turn setting to about middle, melt a slice of butter and spread around pan, pour in sludge. You should have the required equipment here, so get that pancake flippy thing that you never use anyway. Wait for the stuff to go a bit harder, you'll notice the bastard top isn't cooking. Using said pancake flippy thingy, lift the omelette a little and look underneath. Has it hardened yet? Is there any liquid flowing down? If not and it hasn't burned yet, turn it around. May look a bit worse the wear for it, dont worry it doesn't affect the taste.
When done, take off cooker, throw the omelette onto a plate or two. You're ready to tuck in, but not before the you put the pan into the sink, and turn the tap on for pleasing gush of steam.
Add salt/pepper. Looks absolutely disgusting, but is amazing.
Yumyum pig's bum!
Friday 23 March 2007
Chicken Stroganoff - sent in by SpoonMeiser
SpoonMeiser's Chicken Stroganoff
Stroganoff looks classy and sophisticated, and sounds pretty impressive because it has a forrin name. Very good for a romantic meal, or to impress a lady with your cooking skills.
Ingredients
I'm more of a 'feels about right' type of cook, so my proportions here might be a bit off. Do what ever feels right.
2 x chicken breasts (about one per person)
lots x mushrooms (different types too, if possible)
some x garlic cloves (amount depending on whether you're trying to get laid or not)
about 4 spring onions
some combination of soured cream and/or natural greek yoghurt
salt and pepper (coarse ground, if possible)
cooking oil of some description (I think olive works best)
rice, preferably wild rice (you know, the one with the black bits in)
Preparation:
Finely chop the garlic.
Thinly slice the chicken breasts.
Chop the spring onions with diagonal slices
Slice all the mushrooms
Method:
Fry the chicken in a wok with a bit of the garlic.
Once cooked, take out and keep warm.
Fry the mushrooms with the rest of the garlic. Try to use as little oil as possible here.
Add the chopped spring onion, fry briefly, and add the chicken back.
Reduce temperature, add soured cream and/or natural greek yogurt.
Stir everything together over a low heat. Don't let it boil - you don't want the cream/yogurt to seperate (getting this right is basically the only piece of skill you need).
Season with salt and pepper.
Serve with wild rice and stroganoff side by side on a plate (volcano formation isn't appropriate here), and a glass of white wine.
It looks more sophisticated if you serve small portions, but being a fat bloater, I never quite manage to do that.
Stroganoff looks classy and sophisticated, and sounds pretty impressive because it has a forrin name. Very good for a romantic meal, or to impress a lady with your cooking skills.
Ingredients
I'm more of a 'feels about right' type of cook, so my proportions here might be a bit off. Do what ever feels right.
2 x chicken breasts (about one per person)
lots x mushrooms (different types too, if possible)
some x garlic cloves (amount depending on whether you're trying to get laid or not)
about 4 spring onions
some combination of soured cream and/or natural greek yoghurt
salt and pepper (coarse ground, if possible)
cooking oil of some description (I think olive works best)
rice, preferably wild rice (you know, the one with the black bits in)
Preparation:
Finely chop the garlic.
Thinly slice the chicken breasts.
Chop the spring onions with diagonal slices
Slice all the mushrooms
Method:
Fry the chicken in a wok with a bit of the garlic.
Once cooked, take out and keep warm.
Fry the mushrooms with the rest of the garlic. Try to use as little oil as possible here.
Add the chopped spring onion, fry briefly, and add the chicken back.
Reduce temperature, add soured cream and/or natural greek yogurt.
Stir everything together over a low heat. Don't let it boil - you don't want the cream/yogurt to seperate (getting this right is basically the only piece of skill you need).
Season with salt and pepper.
Serve with wild rice and stroganoff side by side on a plate (volcano formation isn't appropriate here), and a glass of white wine.
It looks more sophisticated if you serve small portions, but being a fat bloater, I never quite manage to do that.
Just A Quick Note
THANK YOU.
The response so far has been brilliant. Keep sending your culinary masterpieces, every recipe is appreciated.
I'm currently working through a backlog of recipes, so if you have emailed me and your recipe isn't on the blog - don't panic. It just means that I am getting pissed off with having to actually work for a living ;)
The response so far has been brilliant. Keep sending your culinary masterpieces, every recipe is appreciated.
I'm currently working through a backlog of recipes, so if you have emailed me and your recipe isn't on the blog - don't panic. It just means that I am getting pissed off with having to actually work for a living ;)
Bacjen Pastox - Sent In By Toxie
Toxie's Bacjen Pastox
Ingredients:
Pasta
Bacon
Cheese (cheddar is good, and a bit of parmesan is nice)
One tin of chopped tomatoes
A squooge of tomato puree
One onion
Lots of garlic (or garlic to taste)
A splash of worcestershire sauce
A sprinkle of oregano
Some Olive Oil
Method:
First, chop the onion and garlic and fry them in the oil until soft. Add the chopped tomatoes, oregano, worcestershire sauce and tomato puree and simmer until everything else is ready.
Chop the bacon into bite sized lumps, spread out on a baking sheet and bake until crispy.
Meanwhile, boil your pasta.
Once pasta is cooked and bacon is cripy mix them together along with the tomato mixture.
Grate a mass of cheese on top and grill until crispy.
Voila!
Ingredients:
Pasta
Bacon
Cheese (cheddar is good, and a bit of parmesan is nice)
One tin of chopped tomatoes
A squooge of tomato puree
One onion
Lots of garlic (or garlic to taste)
A splash of worcestershire sauce
A sprinkle of oregano
Some Olive Oil
Method:
First, chop the onion and garlic and fry them in the oil until soft. Add the chopped tomatoes, oregano, worcestershire sauce and tomato puree and simmer until everything else is ready.
Chop the bacon into bite sized lumps, spread out on a baking sheet and bake until crispy.
Meanwhile, boil your pasta.
Once pasta is cooked and bacon is cripy mix them together along with the tomato mixture.
Grate a mass of cheese on top and grill until crispy.
Voila!
Lazy Thai Curry - Sent In By Noctu
For sheer fucking laziness, here's a curry of sex. From start to eating it takes anything from 15 minutes to 2 hours, depending on how many beers you drink whilst making it. No, you don't actually have to pay attention for most of that time.
Noctu's Lazy Cunt Thai Curry, With Coconut Rice.
Ingredients:
Coconut milk (At least 2 tins. I use 3. Full fat for the lardy bastards, at 80g of fat per tin. Yes. Light tastes exactly the fucking same though. If you can get tins with chunks of coconut in, bonus. You'll only need one of those.)
Chicken. (To continue the lazy theme, buy it pre cut up into cubes)
Rice.
Lemongrass (2 or 3 stalks)
Galangal (Small lump, thumb sized if you're not a midget)
Shallots (However many you fucking want. 2 or 3 works)
Garlic (2-3 cloves)
Bird Eye chillis, or anything else equally as hot. (2-3 for people who can't take heat, 15 if you like it to burn your eyes).
For the really lazy, a lot of supermarkets sell all of the above in one pre-packaged lump. Some even throw a lime in, the dirty bastards. One of those pre packaged things will do for someone who doesn't like too much spice. As always, I'd advise MORE FUCKING CHILLI.
If you want to fuck around a bit, stuff like Thai 5 spice, chinese 7 spice, kaffir lime, green curry powder, chilli flakes, anything like that, you can just whack in. No, I'm not going to tell you how much, as I never bother to measure.
The hard bit:
Peel garlic and shallots.
Cut the stalks off the chillis.
Cut about an inch off the fat ends of two pieces of lemon grass. Keep it.
Dump a tin of coconut milk, the rest of the lemon grass, the garlic, the shallots, and the chillis into a blender.
Blend the cunt (If you have a tin with chunks of coconut in, and you're only using one, I hate you. Take the chunks out, blend, put the chunks back in.).
Get a wok or frying pan nice and hot.
Whack the lot in. Inhale.
If you want a lot of sauce, whack another tin of coconut milk in now.
Whack the chicken in. Yes, raw. Fuck it, let's live a little. (If you really want to fry it first, feel free. I'm just lazy).
If you really want to go to town, cut a few bird eye chillis in half lengthways and chuck them in at this point.
Leave well alone for as long as you waWhack it in a massive fucking bowlnt (at least until the chicken's cooked, anyway). The longer you cook it, the sexier it is.
Whilst that's cooking, make the coconut rice.
Full tin of coconut milk in a pan. Depending on how much rice you're cooking, you'll probably need to add extra water.
Add rice.
Chuck in those lumps of lemon grass I told you to save. You did save them, didn't you? You sod.
Feel free to throw in any other spicy crap you feel like.
Cook, until the water is all absorbed and you're burning your pan, or until it's fucking cooked.
Drain.
Hook out the lemon grass, which will be soggy and shit by now.
Whack the rice in a massive fucking bowl, put some chicken and plenty of sauce on top of it, and fucking eat.
You bastards.
Noctu's Lazy Cunt Thai Curry, With Coconut Rice.
Ingredients:
Coconut milk (At least 2 tins. I use 3. Full fat for the lardy bastards, at 80g of fat per tin. Yes. Light tastes exactly the fucking same though. If you can get tins with chunks of coconut in, bonus. You'll only need one of those.)
Chicken. (To continue the lazy theme, buy it pre cut up into cubes)
Rice.
Lemongrass (2 or 3 stalks)
Galangal (Small lump, thumb sized if you're not a midget)
Shallots (However many you fucking want. 2 or 3 works)
Garlic (2-3 cloves)
Bird Eye chillis, or anything else equally as hot. (2-3 for people who can't take heat, 15 if you like it to burn your eyes).
For the really lazy, a lot of supermarkets sell all of the above in one pre-packaged lump. Some even throw a lime in, the dirty bastards. One of those pre packaged things will do for someone who doesn't like too much spice. As always, I'd advise MORE FUCKING CHILLI.
If you want to fuck around a bit, stuff like Thai 5 spice, chinese 7 spice, kaffir lime, green curry powder, chilli flakes, anything like that, you can just whack in. No, I'm not going to tell you how much, as I never bother to measure.
The hard bit:
Peel garlic and shallots.
Cut the stalks off the chillis.
Cut about an inch off the fat ends of two pieces of lemon grass. Keep it.
Dump a tin of coconut milk, the rest of the lemon grass, the garlic, the shallots, and the chillis into a blender.
Blend the cunt (If you have a tin with chunks of coconut in, and you're only using one, I hate you. Take the chunks out, blend, put the chunks back in.).
Get a wok or frying pan nice and hot.
Whack the lot in. Inhale.
If you want a lot of sauce, whack another tin of coconut milk in now.
Whack the chicken in. Yes, raw. Fuck it, let's live a little. (If you really want to fry it first, feel free. I'm just lazy).
If you really want to go to town, cut a few bird eye chillis in half lengthways and chuck them in at this point.
Leave well alone for as long as you waWhack it in a massive fucking bowlnt (at least until the chicken's cooked, anyway). The longer you cook it, the sexier it is.
Whilst that's cooking, make the coconut rice.
Full tin of coconut milk in a pan. Depending on how much rice you're cooking, you'll probably need to add extra water.
Add rice.
Chuck in those lumps of lemon grass I told you to save. You did save them, didn't you? You sod.
Feel free to throw in any other spicy crap you feel like.
Cook, until the water is all absorbed and you're burning your pan, or until it's fucking cooked.
Drain.
Hook out the lemon grass, which will be soggy and shit by now.
Whack the rice in a massive fucking bowl, put some chicken and plenty of sauce on top of it, and fucking eat.
You bastards.
Captn Hood-Butter’s Fuck Off Bastard Hot Curry.
This is for 4 people or one fat bastard.
Captn Hood-Butter’s Fuck Off Bastard Hot Curry.
Cut up 4 onions and fry until just soft in what would seem like too much fucking oil. Use about 4 tablespoons full of bog standard veggie oil or sunflower oil but not that fancy Olive Oil shit. Take off the heat.
Spice mix: 1 teaspoon of cumin seeds, 1 teaspoon of turmeric, 2 dessert spoons of hot madrass powder, 1 dessert spoon of garam masala, half a teaspoon of coriander powder, fenugreek, black onion seed, ginger powder, chilli flakes (if you want it bastadly hotter) a whole (and this is the important bit) star anise crushed to powder and a dessert spoon of brown sugar.
Add the spices to the oily onions and bring back to heat so you are actually frying the spices. This releases the flavours from the spices. Don’t use spice that has been sitting on the rack for fucking years. It will not work you need to go to the nearest Asian Deli and get some in packets. They are quite cheap. Now stir the fucker until you get a dark brown paste. Add half a cup of water and a whole block of creamed coconut. (In Tesco, they come in 4 separate sachets in a box, put all sodding 4 in).
Heat until the coconut is melted then add a little milk until you get a nice creamy sauce. Add whatever floats your boat, fried off chicken or prawns and simmer for 10 mins. Leave to stand for 5 mins and serve. For lamb, cube up the lamb and sear in a pan, add the cunt to the curry and simmer for a whole fucking hour or it will be as tough as fuck. Keep stirring and add a little boiled water every so often to stop it going too thick. Serve with my special onion rice and onion bharjis.
Captn Hood-Butter’s Fuck Off Bastard Hot Curry.
Cut up 4 onions and fry until just soft in what would seem like too much fucking oil. Use about 4 tablespoons full of bog standard veggie oil or sunflower oil but not that fancy Olive Oil shit. Take off the heat.
Spice mix: 1 teaspoon of cumin seeds, 1 teaspoon of turmeric, 2 dessert spoons of hot madrass powder, 1 dessert spoon of garam masala, half a teaspoon of coriander powder, fenugreek, black onion seed, ginger powder, chilli flakes (if you want it bastadly hotter) a whole (and this is the important bit) star anise crushed to powder and a dessert spoon of brown sugar.
Add the spices to the oily onions and bring back to heat so you are actually frying the spices. This releases the flavours from the spices. Don’t use spice that has been sitting on the rack for fucking years. It will not work you need to go to the nearest Asian Deli and get some in packets. They are quite cheap. Now stir the fucker until you get a dark brown paste. Add half a cup of water and a whole block of creamed coconut. (In Tesco, they come in 4 separate sachets in a box, put all sodding 4 in).
Heat until the coconut is melted then add a little milk until you get a nice creamy sauce. Add whatever floats your boat, fried off chicken or prawns and simmer for 10 mins. Leave to stand for 5 mins and serve. For lamb, cube up the lamb and sear in a pan, add the cunt to the curry and simmer for a whole fucking hour or it will be as tough as fuck. Keep stirring and add a little boiled water every so often to stop it going too thick. Serve with my special onion rice and onion bharjis.
Captn Hood-Butter’s Fucking Scones.
The Bollocks Of A Fucking Scone
Make or buy some scones. Cut the cuts in half then spread some strawberry jam on the top half. Do use the good stuff not that blue stripy value shit.
The Cream. Whisk a pint of double cream until stiff (the cream, that is) add the seeds from one vanilla pod and a teaspoon of sifted icing sugar.
The Strawberries. Slice some of those huge big fuck off strawberries. English ones are best but it’s not always fucking June is it!
Put them in a bowl with some castor sugar, and let them absorb the sugar for a good hour.
Now layer the strawberry slices on the bottom half of the fucking scone, spread half an inch thick dollop of the cream mix, then more strawberry slices, then cream etc. Don’t make it too tall or it will fall the fuck over.
When done, sprinkle some icing sugar over the top and drizzle some strawberry sauce over the top. To make the sauce, liquidise in a liquidiser or food processor some strawberries. Add a little icing sugar and a knob of butter and melt together in a cup for a few seconds in the microwave. Pass the sauce through a sieve to get rid of the fucking seeds and drizzle it over the fucking scone.
Make or buy some scones. Cut the cuts in half then spread some strawberry jam on the top half. Do use the good stuff not that blue stripy value shit.
The Cream. Whisk a pint of double cream until stiff (the cream, that is) add the seeds from one vanilla pod and a teaspoon of sifted icing sugar.
The Strawberries. Slice some of those huge big fuck off strawberries. English ones are best but it’s not always fucking June is it!
Put them in a bowl with some castor sugar, and let them absorb the sugar for a good hour.
Now layer the strawberry slices on the bottom half of the fucking scone, spread half an inch thick dollop of the cream mix, then more strawberry slices, then cream etc. Don’t make it too tall or it will fall the fuck over.
When done, sprinkle some icing sugar over the top and drizzle some strawberry sauce over the top. To make the sauce, liquidise in a liquidiser or food processor some strawberries. Add a little icing sugar and a knob of butter and melt together in a cup for a few seconds in the microwave. Pass the sauce through a sieve to get rid of the fucking seeds and drizzle it over the fucking scone.
Captn Hood-Butter’s Lamb Kebabs On A Fucking Stick.
Captn Hood-Butter’s Lamb Kebabs On A Fucking Stick.
Mix together; 1 packet of lamb mince, 1 finely chopped red onion, a tablespoon of mint jelly (or a teaspoon of mint and a teaspoon of sugar), and half a teaspoon of chilli flakes or more if you want it arse burningly hot. Add 1 egg white (save the yolk for later) and some Salt & Pepper together with a small bit of galic paste or just half a little garlic clove. Mix together well in a fucking bowl. Roll it out into cock shapes and poke a wooden stick down the length.
Glaze. Put some mint jelly in a bowl with the egg yolk and a little milk. Just a splash mind, not a whole fucking bottle. A sprinkle of chilli flakes and a few mustard seeds. Paint onto the kebabs and stick them under the grill. When done on one side, turn the cunts over, paint more glaze on and stick them back under the grill again until nice and browned off.
Mix together; 1 packet of lamb mince, 1 finely chopped red onion, a tablespoon of mint jelly (or a teaspoon of mint and a teaspoon of sugar), and half a teaspoon of chilli flakes or more if you want it arse burningly hot. Add 1 egg white (save the yolk for later) and some Salt & Pepper together with a small bit of galic paste or just half a little garlic clove. Mix together well in a fucking bowl. Roll it out into cock shapes and poke a wooden stick down the length.
Glaze. Put some mint jelly in a bowl with the egg yolk and a little milk. Just a splash mind, not a whole fucking bottle. A sprinkle of chilli flakes and a few mustard seeds. Paint onto the kebabs and stick them under the grill. When done on one side, turn the cunts over, paint more glaze on and stick them back under the grill again until nice and browned off.
Captn Hood-Butter’s Onion And/Or Egg Fried Fluffy Fucking Rice
Captn Hood-Butter’s Onion And/Or Egg Fried Fluffy Fucking Rice
For this use Basmatti rice. Nothing else will do. NOTHING.
Bring to the boil some water and add half the desired quantity of rice. Make sure there is loads of water and it don’t boil away. When the rice has embiggified and is cooked, pour the contents of the pan into a metal sieve and immediately pour a kettle of boiling water over the rice, shake all the water out and place in a bowl.
Now do the same thing again only this time add a teaspoon of turmeric to the water. When done add this rice to the other rice. You end up with white and yellow rice and it looks the bollocks.
Now get out your wok and fry some onions until well brown - almost burnt if you like. If you like egg rice, then fry some eggs into the onions and keep stirring with a wooden spoon until the egg is all broken up. Add the rice, mix together and serve. Hey Presto - Fluffy fucking rice.
For this use Basmatti rice. Nothing else will do. NOTHING.
Bring to the boil some water and add half the desired quantity of rice. Make sure there is loads of water and it don’t boil away. When the rice has embiggified and is cooked, pour the contents of the pan into a metal sieve and immediately pour a kettle of boiling water over the rice, shake all the water out and place in a bowl.
Now do the same thing again only this time add a teaspoon of turmeric to the water. When done add this rice to the other rice. You end up with white and yellow rice and it looks the bollocks.
Now get out your wok and fry some onions until well brown - almost burnt if you like. If you like egg rice, then fry some eggs into the onions and keep stirring with a wooden spoon until the egg is all broken up. Add the rice, mix together and serve. Hey Presto - Fluffy fucking rice.
Captn Hood-Butter’s Sweary Potatoes.
Potato Potato, Fucking Potato.
Get some nice big potatoes and bake in their jackets. A good way to do this is wrap them in a bit of kitchen roll and microwave them for 10 mins. Then put them in a preheated 180°-190° oven. When done cut the fuckers in half and scoop out all the flesh and put into a bowl with butter and cream. Mash together and put back into the potato skins. Pop them back into the oven for a few minutes until browned a bit. If you like, you can put a bit of cheese on them first.
Now as an alternative, why not just serve up the potato as mash. Then you can use the skins to make...
Cocking Nyommy Potato Skins.
Make up this into a paste:
In a food processor put some cubes of cheese, some red onion, a squirt of tomato puree, an egg yolk, some chilli flakes, a pinch or two of sugar and if you have it a little left over gravy. Yes, fucking gravy. Whizz into a paste and spread over the, now quartered, potato skins. Stick them in a hot oven (180°) until they are browned off. These are cocking ace.
Get some nice big potatoes and bake in their jackets. A good way to do this is wrap them in a bit of kitchen roll and microwave them for 10 mins. Then put them in a preheated 180°-190° oven. When done cut the fuckers in half and scoop out all the flesh and put into a bowl with butter and cream. Mash together and put back into the potato skins. Pop them back into the oven for a few minutes until browned a bit. If you like, you can put a bit of cheese on them first.
Now as an alternative, why not just serve up the potato as mash. Then you can use the skins to make...
Cocking Nyommy Potato Skins.
Make up this into a paste:
In a food processor put some cubes of cheese, some red onion, a squirt of tomato puree, an egg yolk, some chilli flakes, a pinch or two of sugar and if you have it a little left over gravy. Yes, fucking gravy. Whizz into a paste and spread over the, now quartered, potato skins. Stick them in a hot oven (180°) until they are browned off. These are cocking ace.
Thursday 22 March 2007
Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis
Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis
Right ! Get the chip pan on and get it fucking hot. That is slightly hotter than Bastard hot but not quite as hot as Fuck Off Cunting Hot.
Chop 2 onions into quite big bits add to two cups of self raising flour and a teaspoon of hot curry powder and a teaspoon of sugar. Add a pinch of cumin powder and half a teaspoon of turmeric. Add an egg yolk and a little at a time, drip water in it until it is just bound together and a little sticky. Drop dollops into the hot oil and deep fucking fry until dark golden brown. Drain and serve.
Right ! Get the chip pan on and get it fucking hot. That is slightly hotter than Bastard hot but not quite as hot as Fuck Off Cunting Hot.
Chop 2 onions into quite big bits add to two cups of self raising flour and a teaspoon of hot curry powder and a teaspoon of sugar. Add a pinch of cumin powder and half a teaspoon of turmeric. Add an egg yolk and a little at a time, drip water in it until it is just bound together and a little sticky. Drop dollops into the hot oil and deep fucking fry until dark golden brown. Drain and serve.
Captn Hood-Butter's Sweary Cheese On Toast
(NOTE: This is NOT Welsh Rarebit, there is nothing fucking Welsh about this at all. Right!?) This makes 4 bits
Captn Hood-Butter's Sweary Cheese On Toast
Cheese. This must be strong cheddar. A good farmhouse cheddar, not that poxy shyte you get from the supermarket in poncey wrapping. Grate a lump the size of a fag packet in a bowl and add two egg yolks. Grate, yes grate, a small red onion, add a dessertspoon of tomato puree and if you like it, a splosh of Marmite.
Get some nice bread. Tesco do this uncut, freshly baked Tiger bread. This is best although any freshly baked stuff will do. You can use brown or granary if you are a fucking hippy. Put the bread under the grill and grill just one side. Turn the bread over and slightly indent the ungrilled side. Now add the mixture to the ungrilled indented side and fucking grill again until it goes all dark brown and spotty like a bastard leopard.
Captn Hood-Butter's Sweary Cheese On Toast
Cheese. This must be strong cheddar. A good farmhouse cheddar, not that poxy shyte you get from the supermarket in poncey wrapping. Grate a lump the size of a fag packet in a bowl and add two egg yolks. Grate, yes grate, a small red onion, add a dessertspoon of tomato puree and if you like it, a splosh of Marmite.
Get some nice bread. Tesco do this uncut, freshly baked Tiger bread. This is best although any freshly baked stuff will do. You can use brown or granary if you are a fucking hippy. Put the bread under the grill and grill just one side. Turn the bread over and slightly indent the ungrilled side. Now add the mixture to the ungrilled indented side and fucking grill again until it goes all dark brown and spotty like a bastard leopard.
Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream
Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream What Any Cunt Can Make.
All you need is a pint of double cream, and a large tin of condensed milk. Mix together and add whatever you like, squished banana or other fruit, chopped up chocolate, any will do, even a fucking Mars Bar. With chocolate ice cream add some cocoa powder to the mix to make it a bit brown.
Stick it in a pot and freeze it. Simple.
All you need is a pint of double cream, and a large tin of condensed milk. Mix together and add whatever you like, squished banana or other fruit, chopped up chocolate, any will do, even a fucking Mars Bar. With chocolate ice cream add some cocoa powder to the mix to make it a bit brown.
Stick it in a pot and freeze it. Simple.
Captn Hood-Butter's Sweary Chicken & Leek Pie.
Captn Hood-Butter's Sweary Chicken & Leek Pie.
Either make or buy some puff and some short crust pastry.
Take a bastard pie dish and line with the short crust pastry and bake blind(with nothing in, so you just get a baked pie base). It may be a good idea to put some cleaned pebbles (editors note: dried beans work also) in the base to keep it from bubbling.
Fry off some 1” cubes of chicken breast and a medium onion chopped very fine.
Mmmmmmmmmm breast.
Cut leeks into 1” bits and boil until almost cooked.
Into a large bowl add 1pt of double shitting cream, a 3” squirt or a dessert spoonful of tomato puree, a teaspoon full of brown sugar, a little salt and pepper and a teaspoon of dried sage. Add the chicken and leek and stir. Sprinkle a pinch or two of chilli flakes just to give it a sparkle. Wash your hands after using chill before you embark on your next wank.
Add the contents to the pastry base and don’t forget to remove the fucking pebbles if you used them. Roll out the puff pastry (pfft I said ‘puff’) and top the pie.
Pop it in an oven at 180° until it is a nice golden brown.
Either make or buy some puff and some short crust pastry.
Take a bastard pie dish and line with the short crust pastry and bake blind(with nothing in, so you just get a baked pie base). It may be a good idea to put some cleaned pebbles (editors note: dried beans work also) in the base to keep it from bubbling.
Fry off some 1” cubes of chicken breast and a medium onion chopped very fine.
Mmmmmmmmmm breast.
Cut leeks into 1” bits and boil until almost cooked.
Into a large bowl add 1pt of double shitting cream, a 3” squirt or a dessert spoonful of tomato puree, a teaspoon full of brown sugar, a little salt and pepper and a teaspoon of dried sage. Add the chicken and leek and stir. Sprinkle a pinch or two of chilli flakes just to give it a sparkle. Wash your hands after using chill before you embark on your next wank.
Add the contents to the pastry base and don’t forget to remove the fucking pebbles if you used them. Roll out the puff pastry (pfft I said ‘puff’) and top the pie.
Pop it in an oven at 180° until it is a nice golden brown.
Badger Of Doom's Sticky Chicken & Noodles
Badger Of Doom's Sticky Chicken & Noodles
Serves: 2
Ingredients:
Two large chicken breasts on the on the bone.
Marinade:
Juice of half a lemon + some rind
2 tablespoons soy sauce
Good amount of olive oil
black pepper
1 tablespoon honey
1 tsp chilli powder
Decent amount of roughly chopped corriander
Method:
Marinade the meat for about 20-30 minutes.
Place in an oven at about 200 degrees in a deep baking tray with the marinade poured over the top and the chicken skin side down. Add some water to the tray to prevent the marinade from evaporating and sticking the tray.
Cook for about 10 minutes, then turn the chicken over to skin side up, spoon over the marinade and add some salt to the chicken skin.
Cook for a further 20+ minutes spooning the marinade over twice more. The skin should be crispy. Add more water to the tray if the marinade starts becoming too thick.
While cooking the chicken cook enough noodles for two people and drain them, leave them in the pan. Ideally they should be done just as the chicken is ready. The best way to do this is make sure the chicken is ready, turn off the oven and start the noodles as they don't take long to cook. When the noodles and chicken are done take the chicken off the tray and pour the contents of the tray into the drained noodles. Stir well then squeeze in some more lemon juice and mix again.
Serve the chicken on top of a bed of the noodles.
Tada!
Serves: 2
Ingredients:
Two large chicken breasts on the on the bone.
Marinade:
Juice of half a lemon + some rind
2 tablespoons soy sauce
Good amount of olive oil
black pepper
1 tablespoon honey
1 tsp chilli powder
Decent amount of roughly chopped corriander
Method:
Marinade the meat for about 20-30 minutes.
Place in an oven at about 200 degrees in a deep baking tray with the marinade poured over the top and the chicken skin side down. Add some water to the tray to prevent the marinade from evaporating and sticking the tray.
Cook for about 10 minutes, then turn the chicken over to skin side up, spoon over the marinade and add some salt to the chicken skin.
Cook for a further 20+ minutes spooning the marinade over twice more. The skin should be crispy. Add more water to the tray if the marinade starts becoming too thick.
While cooking the chicken cook enough noodles for two people and drain them, leave them in the pan. Ideally they should be done just as the chicken is ready. The best way to do this is make sure the chicken is ready, turn off the oven and start the noodles as they don't take long to cook. When the noodles and chicken are done take the chicken off the tray and pour the contents of the tray into the drained noodles. Stir well then squeeze in some more lemon juice and mix again.
Serve the chicken on top of a bed of the noodles.
Tada!
ImNotRightBotheredMe's Veggie Pasta Sauce
ImNotRightBotheredMe's Veggie Pasta Sauce
This sauce is good for pasta, making bolognese, meatballs & spaghetti.
Ingredients:
2 tins chopped tomatoes
2 courgettes
2 large carrots
1 half red pepper
1 half green pepper
1 red onion
Garlic
Olive oil
Mixed Italian herbs
Method:
Chop onions & fry with garlic in olive oil, add herbs.
Dice all the remaining veg (the smaller the better) & add to pan, fry gently for 5-10 minutes.
Add chopped tomatoes, pinch of sugar, season.
Simmer for ages.
Serve as is, or if you're disguising it for kids (and mardy blokes), blitz it with a hand blender.
This sauce is good for pasta, making bolognese, meatballs & spaghetti.
Ingredients:
2 tins chopped tomatoes
2 courgettes
2 large carrots
1 half red pepper
1 half green pepper
1 red onion
Garlic
Olive oil
Mixed Italian herbs
Method:
Chop onions & fry with garlic in olive oil, add herbs.
Dice all the remaining veg (the smaller the better) & add to pan, fry gently for 5-10 minutes.
Add chopped tomatoes, pinch of sugar, season.
Simmer for ages.
Serve as is, or if you're disguising it for kids (and mardy blokes), blitz it with a hand blender.
ImNotRightBotheredMe's Quick & Sexy Italian
ImNotRightBotheredMe's Quick & Sexy Italian
Ingredients:
1 chopped red onion
Garlic (to taste)
Olive oil
Finely chopped salami
Passata
Pasta
Lots of black pepper
Method:
Cook pasta in plenty of salted boiling water until done
Fry onions & garlic in olive oil (whilst pasta cooks).
When onions and garlic has softend, add chopped salami & fry gently for around a minute
Add the passata, and the cooked pasta. Stir well.
Add LOADS of freshly ground pepper.
Fucking EAT
Lazy Bastard Pasta - Sent In By I'mNotRightBotheredMe
I'mNotRightBotheredMe's Lazy Bastard Pasta
Ingredients:
Pasta
1 carton passata with garlic & basil
Creme fraiche
Method:
Cook pasta in plenty of salty boiling water. When cooked so the pasta still has some 'bite' to it (al dente), drain and put pasta back into the warm saucepan.
Add passata & heat through gently. When almost ready to serve, add a dollop of creme fraiche. It is so very lazy, but really quite delicious.
Ingredients:
Pasta
1 carton passata with garlic & basil
Creme fraiche
Method:
Cook pasta in plenty of salty boiling water. When cooked so the pasta still has some 'bite' to it (al dente), drain and put pasta back into the warm saucepan.
Add passata & heat through gently. When almost ready to serve, add a dollop of creme fraiche. It is so very lazy, but really quite delicious.
Wednesday 21 March 2007
Matzo Bry - 90Nz0's Jewish Breakfast
"Matzo-Bry" - Yid's Breakfast, By 90Nz0's Real-Life Mummy
Matzo-Bry, is a traditional jewish breakfast that is fit for a king, very filling, and puts a smile on anyone's face who eats it.
Basically, think of French Toast (eggy bread), but with Matzos. Every family have their own recipe for it, but this is how my family have it.
Feel free to ignore the lashings of brown sugar at the end, or substitue it with Golden Syrup. Try adding some cinnamon.... you can do anything you can do with French Toast. Essentially 2 eggs covers about 5 matzos, and that will fill up most people I know. Feel free to go half-half with someone and add Bacons, in the same way americans add bacons to pancakes.
Ingredients:
- Matzos
- Eggs
- Sugar
- Salt
- Butter
Method
Get matzos, about 4 will do, run them under the tap for about 10 seconds, and crumple them up into a bowl. Then mix up about 2 eggs into the bowl, and sprinkle a bit of salt.
Then mush it all together. Matzo Pieces should be approx 1cm, but it doesn't matter exactly how big each piece is.
Then put a nob (haw haw) of butter in the frying pan, and melt it down.
Now, there are two ways of doing this....
Cake Style: Push it all together into a large fritter and don't move it about. About 10 minutes later or so, tip the frying-pan outside, and serve on a plate.
90Nz0's Mummy's Style: Keep on stirring it around for 10 minutes until all the egg is cooked, all the egg should be cooked, but parts of it should be moist and other parts should be crunchy (the bits that didn't get that much egg on in the mixing process)..
Then sprinkle a plate with sugar (brown is best), poor on the Matzo Bry, and put some more sugar on top.
Serve.
Matzo-Bry, is a traditional jewish breakfast that is fit for a king, very filling, and puts a smile on anyone's face who eats it.
Basically, think of French Toast (eggy bread), but with Matzos. Every family have their own recipe for it, but this is how my family have it.
Feel free to ignore the lashings of brown sugar at the end, or substitue it with Golden Syrup. Try adding some cinnamon.... you can do anything you can do with French Toast. Essentially 2 eggs covers about 5 matzos, and that will fill up most people I know. Feel free to go half-half with someone and add Bacons, in the same way americans add bacons to pancakes.
Ingredients:
- Matzos
- Eggs
- Sugar
- Salt
- Butter
Method
Get matzos, about 4 will do, run them under the tap for about 10 seconds, and crumple them up into a bowl. Then mix up about 2 eggs into the bowl, and sprinkle a bit of salt.
Then mush it all together. Matzo Pieces should be approx 1cm, but it doesn't matter exactly how big each piece is.
Then put a nob (haw haw) of butter in the frying pan, and melt it down.
Now, there are two ways of doing this....
Cake Style: Push it all together into a large fritter and don't move it about. About 10 minutes later or so, tip the frying-pan outside, and serve on a plate.
90Nz0's Mummy's Style: Keep on stirring it around for 10 minutes until all the egg is cooked, all the egg should be cooked, but parts of it should be moist and other parts should be crunchy (the bits that didn't get that much egg on in the mixing process)..
Then sprinkle a plate with sugar (brown is best), poor on the Matzo Bry, and put some more sugar on top.
Serve.
Cauliflower Cheese With Chorizo - Sent In By Hidden Mouse Sleeping Kitten
Hidden Mouse Sleeping Kitten's Vague Measurement Cauliflower Cheese (with Chorizo).
Serves two (probably).
Good stodge-athon after a lovely walk outside/Comfort food
Saucepan Intensive!
Ingredients:
One large cauliflower head (nice looking, clean, respectable)
Grated cheese – as much as you want (cheddar or other favourite cheese)
One large onion
Chorizo – as much as you want
Milk (about a pint but have excess available)
2 tablespoons of flour (any kind will do)
2 tablespoons of butter
Nutmeg (whole or grated – whole preferably)
Pepper (fresh ground if available)
Fresh or dried chillis (optional)
Grated Parmesan cheese (optional)
Method:
Heat oven to 180oC ish.
Grate cheese.
Chop onion.
Slice chorizo thinly (for the dentally challenged, you may wish to remove the skin – but I never bother).
Chop chilli.
Wash the cauliflower, remove all green bits (chuck in the compost) & neatly chop the white stuff into bite-sized chunks.
Boil a saucepan of water & then add in the chopped cauliflower. Boil for five minutes & then drain. Place cauliflower in an ovenproof casserole dish and set aside.
In another saucepan (or the original pan, dried), melt the butter & then stir in the flour. On a low heat, add more butter or flour until you get a thick smooth gloopy paste. This is the basis of your cheese sauce. Keep stirring, don’t let it burn or lumpify (this is why you chop everything first).
On an even heat, pour in a bit of milk & keep stirring until it thickens up. Pour in a bit more & repeat. Keep stirring. Repeat this until you have lots of sauce (or run out of milk). Keep stirring. Grate in some fresh nutmeg, or add a couple of pinches of ready ground nutmeg. Keep stirring. Grind in as much pepper as you want. Now add the grated cheese & stir it all in until it melts. Turn off the heat, or you will have to keep stirring!
Meanwhile, with your other set of hands, fry the onion, chorizo & chopped chillis together with a smidgin of olive oil (the sausage is quite oily anyway). After five minutes (or when the onion looks nice & soft, mix the whole lot into the cheese sauce & turn the heat on for a bit to let the flavours permeate.
Dump the sauce/chorizo/onion mix over the top of the cauliflower in your casserole dish. Add more pepper & the Parmesan cheese if desired.
Pop it all in the centre of your pre-heated oven for about 45 mins, or until the cheese on top is all golden & bubbly.
Eat it you fool!
Serves two (probably).
Good stodge-athon after a lovely walk outside/Comfort food
Saucepan Intensive!
Ingredients:
One large cauliflower head (nice looking, clean, respectable)
Grated cheese – as much as you want (cheddar or other favourite cheese)
One large onion
Chorizo – as much as you want
Milk (about a pint but have excess available)
2 tablespoons of flour (any kind will do)
2 tablespoons of butter
Nutmeg (whole or grated – whole preferably)
Pepper (fresh ground if available)
Fresh or dried chillis (optional)
Grated Parmesan cheese (optional)
Method:
Heat oven to 180oC ish.
Grate cheese.
Chop onion.
Slice chorizo thinly (for the dentally challenged, you may wish to remove the skin – but I never bother).
Chop chilli.
Wash the cauliflower, remove all green bits (chuck in the compost) & neatly chop the white stuff into bite-sized chunks.
Boil a saucepan of water & then add in the chopped cauliflower. Boil for five minutes & then drain. Place cauliflower in an ovenproof casserole dish and set aside.
In another saucepan (or the original pan, dried), melt the butter & then stir in the flour. On a low heat, add more butter or flour until you get a thick smooth gloopy paste. This is the basis of your cheese sauce. Keep stirring, don’t let it burn or lumpify (this is why you chop everything first).
On an even heat, pour in a bit of milk & keep stirring until it thickens up. Pour in a bit more & repeat. Keep stirring. Repeat this until you have lots of sauce (or run out of milk). Keep stirring. Grate in some fresh nutmeg, or add a couple of pinches of ready ground nutmeg. Keep stirring. Grind in as much pepper as you want. Now add the grated cheese & stir it all in until it melts. Turn off the heat, or you will have to keep stirring!
Meanwhile, with your other set of hands, fry the onion, chorizo & chopped chillis together with a smidgin of olive oil (the sausage is quite oily anyway). After five minutes (or when the onion looks nice & soft, mix the whole lot into the cheese sauce & turn the heat on for a bit to let the flavours permeate.
Dump the sauce/chorizo/onion mix over the top of the cauliflower in your casserole dish. Add more pepper & the Parmesan cheese if desired.
Pop it all in the centre of your pre-heated oven for about 45 mins, or until the cheese on top is all golden & bubbly.
Eat it you fool!
Little Cheymonster's Chameleon Cheesecake - Sent In By Little Cheymonster
Little Cheymonster's Chameleon Cheesecake - 10 Easy Steps.
Specialist equipment:
Blender
Electric hand-whisk (optional but helps)
Rollin pin (optional)
8-inch push-up bottom tin (if making one big cheesecake)
Bun tin & bun cases OR specialised "mini-bun" tin with push-up bottoms but without bun cases (for mini cheesecakes only)
Suitable for: Anything, depending on the style of decoration and flavours you choose. Making mini-cheesecakes is great for parties, snacks, having mates around.. & you can get little 'uns to decorate their own if you're looking after any. A big cheesecake is an ace pudding.
Ingredients:
150g biscuits (any at all... Hobnobs and chocolate digestives are the best)
75g butter/marg
150g cottage cheese
150g double cream
50g caster sugar (optional)
125g yoghurt (whatever flavour you want the cheesecake to be)
2 eggs, separated
1 sachet gelatin (can get cheap from ASDA)
2tbsp water (or pure fruit juice of your choice if your cheesecake is fruit flavoured)
Method:
1) Bash in biccies. Use blender for fine crumbs, rolling pin for a chunkier texture (or for anger alleviation).
2) Melt butter in a pan, stir in biscuit crumbs, mix well.
3) Press into base of tin(s) in an even layer. Put in fridge.
4) Put water/fruit juice in small glass (shot glasses are good). Add a sachet of gelatin and ensure all the powder jellifies. If not, add more liquid.
5) Blend egg yolks, sugar (if using), yoghurt, cottage cheese until perfectly smooth.
6) Place glass of gelatine in hot water (DON'T get any water in the glass) until melted.
7) Add gelatine to liquid mixture - stir VERY well.
8) Whip cream until thick and fluffy and fold into mixture.
9) Whip egg whites until very very fluffy and fold into mixture.
10) Remove biccy base from fridge, pour mixture over. Replace entire thing in fridge for an hour or two.
Why is this called a Chameleon Cheesecake? You can do anything with it. Use any flavour yoghurt, (plain, toffee, cherry, lemon cheesecake) and yoghurts with chunks in etc. are good.
Add whatever else you want to the biscuit base (e.g. orange rind, coconut, peanuts, chocolate) or just experiment with ready-made biccies - half ginger biscuits and half rich tea is surprisingly nice.
Put anything else you want to the mixture (chopped fruit, nuts, liquorice allsorts, cake crumbs, rohypnol) providing it's not liquid. Heavy stuff may sink though.
You can dissolve the gelatin in warm honey, melted jam, even coffee.. but be VERY careful.
And once it's set you can decorate however you want.
NOTE: You can even make a cake/brownie base and pour the cheesecake mix on top. Or maybe have a base of a ton of fruit if you're an internet fatty. So, yeah. Enjoy
Gizmo's Speciality Cheesecake - Sent In By Gizmo.mp3
You'll like this. No, actually you'll LOVE it.
Measurements are a bit arbitrary, as I usually cook with the time-honoured measurements of 'a bit', 'a splodge', 'a dollop' and 'a load of'. Instruction given at 'catering-novice' (utter spack) level.
Ingredients: -
500g Mascarpone (two normal-sized tubs)
125g Caster sugar
225g Digestives (Value ones are fine - possibly even better)
100g butter (or margarine, can't-believe-it's-not-butter, etc)
6 limes, the fresher the better
Cocoa powder for decoration
Equipment
1 large mixing bowl
1 wooden spoon/spatula
1 electric whisk
1 loose-bottomed cake tin
A way to create crumbs from digestives (blender or rolling pin, etc)
A way to melt the butter (mug and microwave, small saucepan, etc)
A zester or grater
Method
1. Make rough crumbs from the digestives. Melt the butter. Mix the two together in the mixing bowl with the wooden spoon to make the base mix, which should be quite sticky. Add more butter or crumbs if necessary.
2. Spread the base mix evenly into the bottom of the cake tin. Press it down, especially into the corners. Put the tin into the fridge to chill.
3. Wipe any remaining crumbs from the bowl, and zest the limes into it. Only remove the green layer of the skin, not the white pith. Teehee, 'pith'. Cut the limes in half and squeeze their juice thoroughly, into a glass. Remove as much of the flesh as possible (again, not the pith).
4. Add the cheese and sugar to the mixing bowl. Whisk slowly and add lime juice/flesh mixture by degrees. If the limes were fresh, they will have more juice and thus not all six will be needed. Once the mixture starts to form a smooth mousse, whisk faster to aerate. Add as much lime juice as you can, but stop before the mixture is no longer thick enough to stay on the wooden spoon when upturned.
5. Remove cake tin from fridge. Spoon cheese mixture onto the base, making sure to fill into the corners and tapping the tin on the worktop to remove bubbles.
6. Fridge overnight.
7. Remove from cake tin by placing a baked bean tin, or mug, or similar, underneath and pushing the outside ring gently downwards. Serve with a generous dusting of coca powder.
Notes:
a) You can make the base with chocolate covered digestives, Oreos, bourbon creams, ginger nuts, etc. Experiment.
b) Substitute tangerines and/or lemons for the limes to make a good alternatives to this: for the tangerine one I'd definitely use chocolate biscuits for the base.
Measurements are a bit arbitrary, as I usually cook with the time-honoured measurements of 'a bit', 'a splodge', 'a dollop' and 'a load of'. Instruction given at 'catering-novice' (utter spack) level.
Gizmo's Special Mascarpone and Lime Cheesecake
Ingredients: -
500g Mascarpone (two normal-sized tubs)
125g Caster sugar
225g Digestives (Value ones are fine - possibly even better)
100g butter (or margarine, can't-believe-it's-not-butter, etc)
6 limes, the fresher the better
Cocoa powder for decoration
Equipment
1 large mixing bowl
1 wooden spoon/spatula
1 electric whisk
1 loose-bottomed cake tin
A way to create crumbs from digestives (blender or rolling pin, etc)
A way to melt the butter (mug and microwave, small saucepan, etc)
A zester or grater
Method
1. Make rough crumbs from the digestives. Melt the butter. Mix the two together in the mixing bowl with the wooden spoon to make the base mix, which should be quite sticky. Add more butter or crumbs if necessary.
2. Spread the base mix evenly into the bottom of the cake tin. Press it down, especially into the corners. Put the tin into the fridge to chill.
3. Wipe any remaining crumbs from the bowl, and zest the limes into it. Only remove the green layer of the skin, not the white pith. Teehee, 'pith'. Cut the limes in half and squeeze their juice thoroughly, into a glass. Remove as much of the flesh as possible (again, not the pith).
4. Add the cheese and sugar to the mixing bowl. Whisk slowly and add lime juice/flesh mixture by degrees. If the limes were fresh, they will have more juice and thus not all six will be needed. Once the mixture starts to form a smooth mousse, whisk faster to aerate. Add as much lime juice as you can, but stop before the mixture is no longer thick enough to stay on the wooden spoon when upturned.
5. Remove cake tin from fridge. Spoon cheese mixture onto the base, making sure to fill into the corners and tapping the tin on the worktop to remove bubbles.
6. Fridge overnight.
7. Remove from cake tin by placing a baked bean tin, or mug, or similar, underneath and pushing the outside ring gently downwards. Serve with a generous dusting of coca powder.
Notes:
a) You can make the base with chocolate covered digestives, Oreos, bourbon creams, ginger nuts, etc. Experiment.
b) Substitute tangerines and/or lemons for the limes to make a good alternatives to this: for the tangerine one I'd definitely use chocolate biscuits for the base.
Turbo Diesel - sent by m-a-t-t -- formerly mini
This got me bollocksed on new years eve
In one pint glass with a straw:
Lager (stella)
Cider (strongbow)
Double Vodka
Blackcurrant Juice
You can team this up with a Turbo Shandy (Stella & Smirnoff Ice in a pint glass)
Editor's Note - This sickens me. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Turbo Diesel
In one pint glass with a straw:
Lager (stella)
Cider (strongbow)
Double Vodka
Blackcurrant Juice
You can team this up with a Turbo Shandy (Stella & Smirnoff Ice in a pint glass)
Editor's Note - This sickens me. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Amorous Badger's Dead Classy And Sophisticated Chilli Prawns
Badger's Dead Classy And Sophisticated Chilli Prawns.
For the cooking inept who are trying to impress teh ladies. It looks good, tastes great and it's so easy to prepare that you still have time for a preparatory wank before your date arrives.
Ingredients:
About 300g of the best prawns you can find.
Shell on if possible but if you're too spacky or lazy to peel 'em, then peeled ones is good.
Fresh chillis(strength to taste, I prefer HOT ones cos you need less and it brings out the flavour of the prawns really well if you get it right).
Oil of your choice. I recommend lemon, garlic, good olive oil or chilli oil if you prefer not to risk chopping chillis/genitalia related incidents after cooking (especially important if you are hoping to get sexings).
Parmesan flakes, SERIOUS Stilton or some good Feta.
Nice pasta, multicoloured pasta is great if you can get it but it's really not that important what shape you get, amount to preference.
Salad. Again to preference. I like sweet peppers(red orange and yellow ones), rocket and/or good cress.
(optional)
French bread
Dipping oils and/or vinegars to taste.
How it's done:
Prepare your salad.
Prepare your cheese.
Chop and fry the chillis in your oil.
Prepare the prawns. This may involve simply opening the bag or shelling them. If shelling them, leave the tails on.
I don't know why.
Fry the prawns until done.
If you are using raw ones this until they are no long grey blue and are pinky-red(this is very important if you wish to avoid a dose of the shits).
While you are doing this cook your pasta.
For the cooking inept, about ten minutes in a pan of boiling water is enough.
You spack.
Add salad to circumference of plate.
Add pasta to centre of plate.
Place cooked prawns on top of pasta.
Add cheese to taste to salad and pasta, alternatively before serving put all your salad and pasta in a big dish, chuck in your cheese and toss it up(mix it round with your hands, not wank into it).
Serve.
Recommended drinks to go with this :
Greene King Beer To Dine For
A Good German or Czech Pilsner
San Miguel.
A nice light red wine(read the bloody labels in the shop, it's not HARD).
A light, not too sweet fruit juice or lightly flavoured mineral water if you MUST be poncey.
Editor's note - I don't usually put the recommended drinks in as this is down to you lot to decide for yourselves, but he is The Boyfriend, and as such gets away with these things
Nigella's Clementine Cake - Sent In By Mistress Sp@m
Nigella's Clementine Cake
Prep: 15 mins
Cooking: 3 hours
Use : 20cm cake tin.
Ingredients
4-5 Clementines (to weigh 13oz with the skin on)
Melted Butter for greasing
225g (8oz) sugar
250g (9oz) Ground Almonds
1 heaped Teaspoon baking powder
100g (3½oz)Green and Blacks Maya Gold (OH YES!)
Method
Put the clemetines into a saucepan, cover with cold water and bring to the boil, then simmer for about 2 hours.
Drain and set aside to cool. Then cut each clementine in half and remove the pips. Then pulp everything - skins, pith and the fruit in the food processor.
Pre-heat the oven to 190'C/375'F/Gas Mark 5. Butter and line the cake with greaseproof paper.
Beat the eggs. Add the sugar, almonds and baking powder. Mix well, add the pulped clementines, then stir together. Pour the mixture into the cake tin and bake for one hour until the skewer test returns clean results.
Cover the cake with foil or greaseproof paper after about 40 minutes to prevent the top from burning. Remove from the oven and immediatly grate the chocolate over the top of the cake whilst its still in the tin. Leave to cool completely. Remove from the tin and either store in an airtight container or be a greedy shit and eat it all like I do!
The World's Greatest Bagel - Sent In By Shegetz
THE WORLD'S GREATEST BAGEL.
Description:
Exactly what it says in the name. This is the world's finest bread-based sandwich derivative. Strictly off-limits for all observant Jews, despite the choice of bread. Naughty Jews, however, are allowed. A nice easy snack to prepare, this is a very satisfying and spicy snack you can make in about a minute.
Feeds: 1.
Ingredients (per bagel):
1x Plain bagel
2x Slices of chicken roll.
3x slices of Spanish chorizo.
2x slices of German peppered salami.
7x sliced jalapenos from a jar.
- Slice the bagel in half. You can toast it if you really like.
- Arrange the ingredients in order of chicken roll, then chorizo laid out so it covers most of the chicken, then the salami slices, and then arrange the jalapeno slices in a circle with one in the middle.
Mexican Chicken & Rice - Sent In By Shegetz
MEXICAN CHICKEN AND RICE
Description:
A more healthy alternative to the Spicy Beef & Sausage Bolongnacurry, with a leaner meat and more veg per serving. Frankly I don't know how you can cram more carbohydrate into a meal than is in this creation, so if you've got a big run or something in the evening, this would probably make a hearty lunch with just one chicken leg. Alternatively it's a pretty solid dinner or, for a better suggestion, if you're having a romantic night in, put in more rice and put it out on an extra-large plate as a reasonably healthy sharer (there's no garlic and not much chilli in this, so it won't ruin your breath too much, and the rice makes for less slurping than spaghetti).
Feeds: 1 or 2.
Ingredients:
- 0.5x Tin of chopped tomatoes.
- 1x Short spurt of tomato puree.
- A few splashes of chilli sauce
(Or you can replace the above with about a third of a jar of a Ragu sauce)
- 1 or 2x Spicy chicken legs (or just plain chicken legs and a reasonable spicy powder coating sachet)
- 1 or 2x cups of plain rice per person.
- 1x Pack of supermarket pre-packed fresh green salad.
- 3x Large closed-cup mushrooms.
- 1x Pepper (Red works best).
- 0.5x One spanish onion.
- 2x h/tbsp. Mediterranean Herbs seasoning.
Preparation:
- Place the chicken legs in a frying pan on a medium heat (not high or this will burn the coating, it's not a nice taste burnt) and, if you need to, add the seasoning powder. These are awkward to fry as they're an odd shape, so be sure to keep turning them regularly to ensure they get cooked all the way through everywhere. Once you've got a good pattern going, put the rice in a saucepan full of boiling water. (For timing purposes, most rice takes 15 minutes, whereas the chicken will take slightly longer. Put them both on at the same time so you can prepare the rice after it's cooked and the chicken can go straight out of the pan onto the rice).
- This is the boring part. Wait 15 minutes while the rice boils, stirring occasionally and continuing to turn the chicken legs. There really isn't much to do in this time, so spend it getting drunk, snogging your beau, plotting civil war, etc. You can chop the mushrooms, onion and pepper and drain the tomatoes of their surface water too, if you're really looking for something productive to do. Chuck the veg in with the chicken legs and fry them for a little while, as they wont cook too well on the lower heat we're going to have when we mix it all up and raw mushroom is not a pleasant experience.
- Once the rice is done, drain it and pour a kettle of boiling water over it to wash the excess starch off. If there's two of you, there should be a lot of rice. To save on the washing up, stick the rice straight back in the saucepan you just poured it out of and quickly dump half a tin of tomatoes and some puree, or your 1/3rd-tin of Ragu, in with it. Stir it all up quickly and ensure it's on a very low heat to avoid burning anything. Chuck in the vegetables you chopped earlier and stir them in as well. Once all the rice is nicely red - if you feel like adding more Ragu or tomatoes, now is the time to do it, along with any more chilli sauce - it's time to throw in a few lettuce leaves from your bag of salad. Make sure they don't go completely soft in the sauce, they add texture if left slightly crisp.
- Scoop the rice out onto the plate, and lay the chicken legs, which by now should be a nice browny orange colour with their spicy coating, next to each other to make the design look symmetrical.
Spicy Beef & Sausage Bolongnacurry - Sent In By Shegetz
SPICY BEEF AND SAUSAGE BOLOGNACURRY
Description:
A curious mix of Italian and Indian sauces with an awful lot of spices. It takes quite a bit of effort to prepare, but it's very much worth it, and it's very hard to finish in one sitting with 2-3 people due to the sheer amount of food it produces. Probably not good for anything other than a very big dinner with a lot of sitting down afterwards, and not recommended for anyone who can't handle their spicy food.
Feeds: 3-4, or 2-3 if you're feeling extra peckish.
Ingredients:
- 1x Tin of chopped tomatoes.
- 1x Long spurt of tomato puree.
- 4x tsp. Sharwood's Madras Curry Powder
- A few splashes of chilli sauce (I recommend Encona Hot Pepper Sauce)
(Or you can replace the above with a jar of a Ragu sauce of your choice and a few spoons of Patak's Madras Sauce).
- 1x pack of good quality beef mince
- 3x sausages of your choice (Sicillian ones are lovely)
- 1x Jar (200g) of sliced jalapeno peppers (don't worry, you won't be using them all)
- 3x Large closed-cup mushrooms.
- 0.5x Pepper (Red works best).
- 0.5x One spanish onion.
- 1x h/tbsp. Mediterranean Herbs.
- 1x h/tbsp. Crushed chillis.
-Garlic (crushed or fresh) to taste.
- Enough spaghetti per person.
- Pesto if you've got any.
Preparation:
- Take a frying pan and one saucepan, deposit the sausages into the frying pan with some oil and put the mince in the frying pan with the same, on a medium heat. Use the time it takes for the mince to cook through, breaking it up occasionally, to chop the onion, pepper, mushrooms and, if you're using it, fresh garlic.
- Once the mince is almost done, take the sausages out of the frying pan (don't worry if they're not quite done, they're going back into the heat anyway) and chop them into sections about a centimetre long and mix them in with the vegetables you just chopped - put this whole mixture in with the mince and stir it in, don't add the chillis yet as it ruins their flavour if they're cooked too much.
- If you're going the chopped-tomatoes route, open the tin of chopped tomatoes and drain the surface water off. Pour these into your (hopefully quite large by this point) saucepan and mix them in thoroughly, with the spurt of puree, curry powder and chilli sauce. Mix it all up thoroughly and hopefully it will be smelling very nice with a good amount of sauce in now. If you're going the prepared-sauce route (it's easier, trust me) now is the time to add it all - keep adding the Madras sauce until it smells and looks delicious.
- Now is the time to add the crushed chillis, herbs and - if you want it - crushed garlic. Also, if you've got some Pesto to use, add a couple of teaspoonfuls to the mix. Stir again and then add the jalapenos and mix them up as well. This part is basically complete now, we're going to let it reduce for a few minutes while we do the quick-cook spaghetti, so turn the heat down to a simmer and let the flavours mix.
- Spaghetti, boiling water, five minutes. The easy part, just poke at it with a spoon every now and then to avoid it coming out as one stringy lump, drain and divide up on the plates. By this point the tomatoey abomination in the saucepan will have blended nicely, so it's time to start serving that up. It should have a lot of spice but not enough to completely mask the tomatoey undertones and, depending on your taste for curry, will be anywhere from a dark oaky brown to a vivid red. Using Korma sauce instead of madras sauce will yield a bright orange, creamier flavour that's quite nice as well.
This could be the start of something special...
The start of an amazing new project. The b3tan recipe blog. It's looking a bit bare at the moment, but I hope that this will change in the next few weeks. It better bloody had do, as I've spent all of five minutes setting it up.
What is this blog for?
For all the fuckwits on www.b3ta.com/talk that claim to live off pot-noodles, there are a lot of other people who enjoy cooking. A lot of these people are fucking good at it too. There have been numerous food porn threads, where people have swapped their favourite 'please shag me I'm really desperate' meals, and their 'Fuck me, I'm pissed and I want something fried or toasted NOW' treats - and now they can share their glorious edible delights with the salivating masses.
So here's the deal...
Email me your favourite recipes. I want starters, main courses, puddings, coma inducing cocktails...everything - from those special meals you cook when you want to get laid to the meals you cook to cheer yourself up when the object of your desire has found your stash of donkey porn and reported you to the local authorities. If possible, send photos (not of the donkey porn though please).
This could be big. It could be brilliant. Or it could be utter toss. It's all down to YOU.
What is this blog for?
For all the fuckwits on www.b3ta.com/talk that claim to live off pot-noodles, there are a lot of other people who enjoy cooking. A lot of these people are fucking good at it too. There have been numerous food porn threads, where people have swapped their favourite 'please shag me I'm really desperate' meals, and their 'Fuck me, I'm pissed and I want something fried or toasted NOW' treats - and now they can share their glorious edible delights with the salivating masses.
So here's the deal...
Email me your favourite recipes. I want starters, main courses, puddings, coma inducing cocktails...everything - from those special meals you cook when you want to get laid to the meals you cook to cheer yourself up when the object of your desire has found your stash of donkey porn and reported you to the local authorities. If possible, send photos (not of the donkey porn though please).
This could be big. It could be brilliant. Or it could be utter toss. It's all down to YOU.
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