Chipotle Pumpkin and Black bean soup with Apple salsa and Cranberry cream

As submitted by the (ever lovely) MilkNoSugar

Ingredients:
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 large chopped onion
2 large cloves of finely chopped garlic
1 Chipotle Chilli (finely chopped) or 1 tbsp Chipotle seasoning mix
1 bottle of beer
1 tin of pumpkin puree or 1lb of pumpkin cooked and blended
1 1/2 tsp ground cumin
2 pinches of ground cinnamon
salt and pepper
750ml of chicken stock
1 tin of black beans
1 Granny Smith apple (finely chopped)
1/2 small red oniion (finely chopped)
1 jalapeno chilli (seeded and chopped)
handful of coriander (finely chopped)
bit of lime juice
100ml sour cream
50ml cranberry sauce

1. Heat the oil and cook the onion, garlic and chipotle chilli for 5 mins
2. Add the beer and cook until reduced by half
3. Stir in the pumpkin, spices and seasoning
4. stir in the chicken stock and beans and simmer for 10 minutes
5. combine the apple, red onion, jalapeno, coriander and lime juice in a seperate bowl
6. combine the sour cream and cranberry sauce in a seperate bowl
7. serve the soup in bowls and top with the apple salsa and cranberry cream

Ta daaaa!

Prem1um's Very Moorish Curry.

Prem1um's Very Moorish Curry.

A Very Moorish Curry
Feeds 4-6

Ingredients:

15g Cumin seeds
5g grated Ginger
4 finely chopped cloves of Garlic
1 bunch of fresh Coriander
2 tablespoons of Garamasala seasoning
Handful of roughly chopped fresh Birdseye Chillies
2 teaspoons of fresh Saffron
1 bunch of fresh Mint
200g fresh plain natural Yoghurt
25g Raisins and Sultanas
1 tablespoon of Crème Fraiche
1 tablespoon of Brown Sugar
1 tablespoon of Paprika
Rock Salt
Cracked Black pepper
Sunflower Oil
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
500g of good quality roughly diced dark red lamb
1 roughly diced Aubergine
2 roughly diced Sweet Green Peppers
1 roughly diced Sweet Red Pepper
3 large very finely chopped Red Onions
1 tin of Chick Peas, drained
1 tin of Chopped Tomatoes
Tomato Puree
100g of White Basmati Rice

Large wok or large deep ‘bucket’ frying pan
1 large saucepan
Sieve
Wooden spatula
Grater
Sharp knife
Chopping board

Method:

Start by slicing and dicing the vegetables and meat. Dry fry the Cumin seeds on a medium heat in your wok for around 2-3 minutes or until they start crackling and popping. Pour a healthy drop of Sunflower Oil and Olive Oil into the Cumin seeds and mix around. Mix in your finely chopped Red Onions, Garlic, Ginger and Birdseye Chillies and fry together until Red Onions are translucent. At this point, add teaspoons of Tomato Puree, Water and Paprika to form a thick paste. Turn heat up to medium/high and add Lamb and Sweet Peppers. While the meat is sealing, season with Rock Salt, Cracked Black Pepper and torn Coriander leaves. Mix well. When Lamb is browned, reduce heat to low and add Tinned Tomatoes, Chick Peas, Aubergine plus 500ml of water. Bring to the boil Mix in two tablespoons of Garamasala, Raisins and Sultanas, a handful of Coriander and stir well. Reduce heat and leave to simmer for 30-40 minutes. Garnish with a sprig of Coriander.

Meanwhile, bring a large saucepan of water to the boil. Add a few pinches of Saffron to water and stir. Rinse Basmati Rice under cold water for a few minutes then add it to boiling water with a pinch of salt. Bring to the boil again then reduce heat to simmer. Cook to taste.

Finely chop quite a few massive sprigs of mint – the more the better. Add to plain natural Yoghurt and mix in with a table spoon of Brown Sugar and a tablespoon of Crème Fraiche.

We have this with a selection of Poppadoms, Peshwari Naans, Chapatis and chilled Cobra beers!

Lazy Thai Curry - Sent In By Noctu

For sheer fucking laziness, here's a curry of sex. From start to eating it takes anything from 15 minutes to 2 hours, depending on how many beers you drink whilst making it. No, you don't actually have to pay attention for most of that time.


Noctu's Lazy Cunt Thai Curry, With Coconut Rice.


Ingredients:

Coconut milk (At least 2 tins. I use 3. Full fat for the lardy bastards, at 80g of fat per tin. Yes. Light tastes exactly the fucking same though. If you can get tins with chunks of coconut in, bonus. You'll only need one of those.)

Chicken. (To continue the lazy theme, buy it pre cut up into cubes)
Rice.
Lemongrass (2 or 3 stalks)
Galangal (Small lump, thumb sized if you're not a midget)
Shallots (However many you fucking want. 2 or 3 works)
Garlic (2-3 cloves)
Bird Eye chillis, or anything else equally as hot. (2-3 for people who can't take heat, 15 if you like it to burn your eyes).

For the really lazy, a lot of supermarkets sell all of the above in one pre-packaged lump. Some even throw a lime in, the dirty bastards. One of those pre packaged things will do for someone who doesn't like too much spice. As always, I'd advise MORE FUCKING CHILLI.

If you want to fuck around a bit, stuff like Thai 5 spice, chinese 7 spice, kaffir lime, green curry powder, chilli flakes, anything like that, you can just whack in. No, I'm not going to tell you how much, as I never bother to measure.


The hard bit:

Peel garlic and shallots.
Cut the stalks off the chillis.
Cut about an inch off the fat ends of two pieces of lemon grass. Keep it.
Dump a tin of coconut milk, the rest of the lemon grass, the garlic, the shallots, and the chillis into a blender.
Blend the cunt (If you have a tin with chunks of coconut in, and you're only using one, I hate you. Take the chunks out, blend, put the chunks back in.).

Get a wok or frying pan nice and hot.
Whack the lot in. Inhale.
If you want a lot of sauce, whack another tin of coconut milk in now.
Whack the chicken in. Yes, raw. Fuck it, let's live a little. (If you really want to fry it first, feel free. I'm just lazy).

If you really want to go to town, cut a few bird eye chillis in half lengthways and chuck them in at this point.

Leave well alone for as long as you waWhack it in a massive fucking bowlnt (at least until the chicken's cooked, anyway). The longer you cook it, the sexier it is.

Whilst that's cooking, make the coconut rice.

Full tin of coconut milk in a pan. Depending on how much rice you're cooking, you'll probably need to add extra water.
Add rice.
Chuck in those lumps of lemon grass I told you to save. You did save them, didn't you? You sod.
Feel free to throw in any other spicy crap you feel like.
Cook, until the water is all absorbed and you're burning your pan, or until it's fucking cooked.
Drain.
Hook out the lemon grass, which will be soggy and shit by now.

Whack the rice in a massive fucking bowl, put some chicken and plenty of sauce on top of it, and fucking eat.

You bastards.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Fuck Off Bastard Hot Curry.

This is for 4 people or one fat bastard.


Captn Hood-Butter’s Fuck Off Bastard Hot Curry.


Cut up 4 onions and fry until just soft in what would seem like too much fucking oil. Use about 4 tablespoons full of bog standard veggie oil or sunflower oil but not that fancy Olive Oil shit. Take off the heat.

Spice mix: 1 teaspoon of cumin seeds, 1 teaspoon of turmeric, 2 dessert spoons of hot madrass powder, 1 dessert spoon of garam masala, half a teaspoon of coriander powder, fenugreek, black onion seed, ginger powder, chilli flakes (if you want it bastadly hotter) a whole (and this is the important bit) star anise crushed to powder and a dessert spoon of brown sugar.

Add the spices to the oily onions and bring back to heat so you are actually frying the spices. This releases the flavours from the spices. Don’t use spice that has been sitting on the rack for fucking years. It will not work you need to go to the nearest Asian Deli and get some in packets. They are quite cheap. Now stir the fucker until you get a dark brown paste. Add half a cup of water and a whole block of creamed coconut. (In Tesco, they come in 4 separate sachets in a box, put all sodding 4 in).

Heat until the coconut is melted then add a little milk until you get a nice creamy sauce. Add whatever floats your boat, fried off chicken or prawns and simmer for 10 mins. Leave to stand for 5 mins and serve. For lamb, cube up the lamb and sear in a pan, add the cunt to the curry and simmer for a whole fucking hour or it will be as tough as fuck. Keep stirring and add a little boiled water every so often to stop it going too thick. Serve with my special onion rice and onion bharjis.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Lamb Kebabs On A Fucking Stick.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Lamb Kebabs On A Fucking Stick.


Mix together; 1 packet of lamb mince, 1 finely chopped red onion, a tablespoon of mint jelly (or a teaspoon of mint and a teaspoon of sugar), and half a teaspoon of chilli flakes or more if you want it arse burningly hot. Add 1 egg white (save the yolk for later) and some Salt & Pepper together with a small bit of galic paste or just half a little garlic clove. Mix together well in a fucking bowl. Roll it out into cock shapes and poke a wooden stick down the length.

Glaze. Put some mint jelly in a bowl with the egg yolk and a little milk. Just a splash mind, not a whole fucking bottle. A sprinkle of chilli flakes and a few mustard seeds. Paint onto the kebabs and stick them under the grill. When done on one side, turn the cunts over, paint more glaze on and stick them back under the grill again until nice and browned off.

Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis

Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis

Right ! Get the chip pan on and get it fucking hot. That is slightly hotter than Bastard hot but not quite as hot as Fuck Off Cunting Hot.

Chop 2 onions into quite big bits add to two cups of self raising flour and a teaspoon of hot curry powder and a teaspoon of sugar. Add a pinch of cumin powder and half a teaspoon of turmeric. Add an egg yolk and a little at a time, drip water in it until it is just bound together and a little sticky. Drop dollops into the hot oil and deep fucking fry until dark golden brown. Drain and serve.

Amorous Badger's Dead Classy And Sophisticated Chilli Prawns

Badger's Dead Classy And Sophisticated Chilli Prawns.

For the cooking inept who are trying to impress teh ladies. It looks good, tastes great and it's so easy to prepare that you still have time for a preparatory wank before your date arrives.


Ingredients:

About 300g of the best prawns you can find.
Shell on if possible but if you're too spacky or lazy to peel 'em, then peeled ones is good.

Fresh chillis(strength to taste, I prefer HOT ones cos you need less and it brings out the flavour of the prawns really well if you get it right).

Oil of your choice. I recommend lemon, garlic, good olive oil or chilli oil if you prefer not to risk chopping chillis/genitalia related incidents after cooking (especially important if you are hoping to get sexings).

Parmesan flakes, SERIOUS Stilton or some good Feta.

Nice pasta, multicoloured pasta is great if you can get it but it's really not that important what shape you get, amount to preference.

Salad. Again to preference. I like sweet peppers(red orange and yellow ones), rocket and/or good cress.

(optional)
French bread
Dipping oils and/or vinegars to taste.

How it's done:

Prepare your salad.
Prepare your cheese.

Chop and fry the chillis in your oil.

Prepare the prawns. This may involve simply opening the bag or shelling them. If shelling them, leave the tails on.
I don't know why.

Fry the prawns until done.
If you are using raw ones this until they are no long grey blue and are pinky-red(this is very important if you wish to avoid a dose of the shits).

While you are doing this cook your pasta.
For the cooking inept, about ten minutes in a pan of boiling water is enough.
You spack.

Add salad to circumference of plate.
Add pasta to centre of plate.
Place cooked prawns on top of pasta.
Add cheese to taste to salad and pasta, alternatively before serving put all your salad and pasta in a big dish, chuck in your cheese and toss it up(mix it round with your hands, not wank into it).

Serve.

Recommended drinks to go with this :

Greene King Beer To Dine For
A Good German or Czech Pilsner
San Miguel.
A nice light red wine(read the bloody labels in the shop, it's not HARD).
A light, not too sweet fruit juice or lightly flavoured mineral water if you MUST be poncey.

Editor's note - I don't usually put the recommended drinks in as this is down to you lot to decide for yourselves, but he is The Boyfriend, and as such gets away with these things

Mexican Chicken & Rice - Sent In By Shegetz

MEXICAN CHICKEN AND RICE

Description:
A more healthy alternative to the Spicy Beef & Sausage Bolongnacurry, with a leaner meat and more veg per serving. Frankly I don't know how you can cram more carbohydrate into a meal than is in this creation, so if you've got a big run or something in the evening, this would probably make a hearty lunch with just one chicken leg. Alternatively it's a pretty solid dinner or, for a better suggestion, if you're having a romantic night in, put in more rice and put it out on an extra-large plate as a reasonably healthy sharer (there's no garlic and not much chilli in this, so it won't ruin your breath too much, and the rice makes for less slurping than spaghetti).

Feeds: 1 or 2.

Ingredients:

- 0.5x Tin of chopped tomatoes.
- 1x Short spurt of tomato puree.
- A few splashes of chilli sauce
(Or you can replace the above with about a third of a jar of a Ragu sauce)
- 1 or 2x Spicy chicken legs (or just plain chicken legs and a reasonable spicy powder coating sachet)
- 1 or 2x cups of plain rice per person.
- 1x Pack of supermarket pre-packed fresh green salad.
- 3x Large closed-cup mushrooms.
- 1x Pepper (Red works best).
- 0.5x One spanish onion.
- 2x h/tbsp. Mediterranean Herbs seasoning.

Preparation:
- Place the chicken legs in a frying pan on a medium heat (not high or this will burn the coating, it's not a nice taste burnt) and, if you need to, add the seasoning powder. These are awkward to fry as they're an odd shape, so be sure to keep turning them regularly to ensure they get cooked all the way through everywhere. Once you've got a good pattern going, put the rice in a saucepan full of boiling water. (For timing purposes, most rice takes 15 minutes, whereas the chicken will take slightly longer. Put them both on at the same time so you can prepare the rice after it's cooked and the chicken can go straight out of the pan onto the rice).

- This is the boring part. Wait 15 minutes while the rice boils, stirring occasionally and continuing to turn the chicken legs. There really isn't much to do in this time, so spend it getting drunk, snogging your beau, plotting civil war, etc. You can chop the mushrooms, onion and pepper and drain the tomatoes of their surface water too, if you're really looking for something productive to do. Chuck the veg in with the chicken legs and fry them for a little while, as they wont cook too well on the lower heat we're going to have when we mix it all up and raw mushroom is not a pleasant experience.

- Once the rice is done, drain it and pour a kettle of boiling water over it to wash the excess starch off. If there's two of you, there should be a lot of rice. To save on the washing up, stick the rice straight back in the saucepan you just poured it out of and quickly dump half a tin of tomatoes and some puree, or your 1/3rd-tin of Ragu, in with it. Stir it all up quickly and ensure it's on a very low heat to avoid burning anything. Chuck in the vegetables you chopped earlier and stir them in as well. Once all the rice is nicely red - if you feel like adding more Ragu or tomatoes, now is the time to do it, along with any more chilli sauce - it's time to throw in a few lettuce leaves from your bag of salad. Make sure they don't go completely soft in the sauce, they add texture if left slightly crisp.

- Scoop the rice out onto the plate, and lay the chicken legs, which by now should be a nice browny orange colour with their spicy coating, next to each other to make the design look symmetrical.

Spicy Beef & Sausage Bolongnacurry - Sent In By Shegetz

SPICY BEEF AND SAUSAGE BOLOGNACURRY

Description:
A curious mix of Italian and Indian sauces with an awful lot of spices. It takes quite a bit of effort to prepare, but it's very much worth it, and it's very hard to finish in one sitting with 2-3 people due to the sheer amount of food it produces. Probably not good for anything other than a very big dinner with a lot of sitting down afterwards, and not recommended for anyone who can't handle their spicy food.

Feeds: 3-4, or 2-3 if you're feeling extra peckish.

Ingredients:
- 1x Tin of chopped tomatoes.
- 1x Long spurt of tomato puree.
- 4x tsp. Sharwood's Madras Curry Powder
- A few splashes of chilli sauce (I recommend Encona Hot Pepper Sauce)
(Or you can replace the above with a jar of a Ragu sauce of your choice and a few spoons of Patak's Madras Sauce).
- 1x pack of good quality beef mince
- 3x sausages of your choice (Sicillian ones are lovely)
- 1x Jar (200g) of sliced jalapeno peppers (don't worry, you won't be using them all)
- 3x Large closed-cup mushrooms.
- 0.5x Pepper (Red works best).
- 0.5x One spanish onion.
- 1x h/tbsp. Mediterranean Herbs.
- 1x h/tbsp. Crushed chillis.
-Garlic (crushed or fresh) to taste.
- Enough spaghetti per person.
- Pesto if you've got any.

Preparation:

- Take a frying pan and one saucepan, deposit the sausages into the frying pan with some oil and put the mince in the frying pan with the same, on a medium heat. Use the time it takes for the mince to cook through, breaking it up occasionally, to chop the onion, pepper, mushrooms and, if you're using it, fresh garlic.

- Once the mince is almost done, take the sausages out of the frying pan (don't worry if they're not quite done, they're going back into the heat anyway) and chop them into sections about a centimetre long and mix them in with the vegetables you just chopped - put this whole mixture in with the mince and stir it in, don't add the chillis yet as it ruins their flavour if they're cooked too much.

- If you're going the chopped-tomatoes route, open the tin of chopped tomatoes and drain the surface water off. Pour these into your (hopefully quite large by this point) saucepan and mix them in thoroughly, with the spurt of puree, curry powder and chilli sauce. Mix it all up thoroughly and hopefully it will be smelling very nice with a good amount of sauce in now. If you're going the prepared-sauce route (it's easier, trust me) now is the time to add it all - keep adding the Madras sauce until it smells and looks delicious.

- Now is the time to add the crushed chillis, herbs and - if you want it - crushed garlic. Also, if you've got some Pesto to use, add a couple of teaspoonfuls to the mix. Stir again and then add the jalapenos and mix them up as well. This part is basically complete now, we're going to let it reduce for a few minutes while we do the quick-cook spaghetti, so turn the heat down to a simmer and let the flavours mix.

- Spaghetti, boiling water, five minutes. The easy part, just poke at it with a spoon every now and then to avoid it coming out as one stringy lump, drain and divide up on the plates. By this point the tomatoey abomination in the saucepan will have blended nicely, so it's time to start serving that up. It should have a lot of spice but not enough to completely mask the tomatoey undertones and, depending on your taste for curry, will be anywhere from a dark oaky brown to a vivid red. Using Korma sauce instead of madras sauce will yield a bright orange, creamier flavour that's quite nice as well.