Prem1um's Very Moorish Curry.

Prem1um's Very Moorish Curry.

A Very Moorish Curry
Feeds 4-6

Ingredients:

15g Cumin seeds
5g grated Ginger
4 finely chopped cloves of Garlic
1 bunch of fresh Coriander
2 tablespoons of Garamasala seasoning
Handful of roughly chopped fresh Birdseye Chillies
2 teaspoons of fresh Saffron
1 bunch of fresh Mint
200g fresh plain natural Yoghurt
25g Raisins and Sultanas
1 tablespoon of Crème Fraiche
1 tablespoon of Brown Sugar
1 tablespoon of Paprika
Rock Salt
Cracked Black pepper
Sunflower Oil
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
500g of good quality roughly diced dark red lamb
1 roughly diced Aubergine
2 roughly diced Sweet Green Peppers
1 roughly diced Sweet Red Pepper
3 large very finely chopped Red Onions
1 tin of Chick Peas, drained
1 tin of Chopped Tomatoes
Tomato Puree
100g of White Basmati Rice

Large wok or large deep ‘bucket’ frying pan
1 large saucepan
Sieve
Wooden spatula
Grater
Sharp knife
Chopping board

Method:

Start by slicing and dicing the vegetables and meat. Dry fry the Cumin seeds on a medium heat in your wok for around 2-3 minutes or until they start crackling and popping. Pour a healthy drop of Sunflower Oil and Olive Oil into the Cumin seeds and mix around. Mix in your finely chopped Red Onions, Garlic, Ginger and Birdseye Chillies and fry together until Red Onions are translucent. At this point, add teaspoons of Tomato Puree, Water and Paprika to form a thick paste. Turn heat up to medium/high and add Lamb and Sweet Peppers. While the meat is sealing, season with Rock Salt, Cracked Black Pepper and torn Coriander leaves. Mix well. When Lamb is browned, reduce heat to low and add Tinned Tomatoes, Chick Peas, Aubergine plus 500ml of water. Bring to the boil Mix in two tablespoons of Garamasala, Raisins and Sultanas, a handful of Coriander and stir well. Reduce heat and leave to simmer for 30-40 minutes. Garnish with a sprig of Coriander.

Meanwhile, bring a large saucepan of water to the boil. Add a few pinches of Saffron to water and stir. Rinse Basmati Rice under cold water for a few minutes then add it to boiling water with a pinch of salt. Bring to the boil again then reduce heat to simmer. Cook to taste.

Finely chop quite a few massive sprigs of mint – the more the better. Add to plain natural Yoghurt and mix in with a table spoon of Brown Sugar and a tablespoon of Crème Fraiche.

We have this with a selection of Poppadoms, Peshwari Naans, Chapatis and chilled Cobra beers!

Captn Hood-Butter’s Fuck Off Bastard Hot Curry.

This is for 4 people or one fat bastard.


Captn Hood-Butter’s Fuck Off Bastard Hot Curry.


Cut up 4 onions and fry until just soft in what would seem like too much fucking oil. Use about 4 tablespoons full of bog standard veggie oil or sunflower oil but not that fancy Olive Oil shit. Take off the heat.

Spice mix: 1 teaspoon of cumin seeds, 1 teaspoon of turmeric, 2 dessert spoons of hot madrass powder, 1 dessert spoon of garam masala, half a teaspoon of coriander powder, fenugreek, black onion seed, ginger powder, chilli flakes (if you want it bastadly hotter) a whole (and this is the important bit) star anise crushed to powder and a dessert spoon of brown sugar.

Add the spices to the oily onions and bring back to heat so you are actually frying the spices. This releases the flavours from the spices. Don’t use spice that has been sitting on the rack for fucking years. It will not work you need to go to the nearest Asian Deli and get some in packets. They are quite cheap. Now stir the fucker until you get a dark brown paste. Add half a cup of water and a whole block of creamed coconut. (In Tesco, they come in 4 separate sachets in a box, put all sodding 4 in).

Heat until the coconut is melted then add a little milk until you get a nice creamy sauce. Add whatever floats your boat, fried off chicken or prawns and simmer for 10 mins. Leave to stand for 5 mins and serve. For lamb, cube up the lamb and sear in a pan, add the cunt to the curry and simmer for a whole fucking hour or it will be as tough as fuck. Keep stirring and add a little boiled water every so often to stop it going too thick. Serve with my special onion rice and onion bharjis.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Lamb Kebabs On A Fucking Stick.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Lamb Kebabs On A Fucking Stick.


Mix together; 1 packet of lamb mince, 1 finely chopped red onion, a tablespoon of mint jelly (or a teaspoon of mint and a teaspoon of sugar), and half a teaspoon of chilli flakes or more if you want it arse burningly hot. Add 1 egg white (save the yolk for later) and some Salt & Pepper together with a small bit of galic paste or just half a little garlic clove. Mix together well in a fucking bowl. Roll it out into cock shapes and poke a wooden stick down the length.

Glaze. Put some mint jelly in a bowl with the egg yolk and a little milk. Just a splash mind, not a whole fucking bottle. A sprinkle of chilli flakes and a few mustard seeds. Paint onto the kebabs and stick them under the grill. When done on one side, turn the cunts over, paint more glaze on and stick them back under the grill again until nice and browned off.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Onion And/Or Egg Fried Fluffy Fucking Rice

Captn Hood-Butter’s Onion And/Or Egg Fried Fluffy Fucking Rice

For this use Basmatti rice. Nothing else will do. NOTHING.
Bring to the boil some water and add half the desired quantity of rice. Make sure there is loads of water and it don’t boil away. When the rice has embiggified and is cooked, pour the contents of the pan into a metal sieve and immediately pour a kettle of boiling water over the rice, shake all the water out and place in a bowl.
Now do the same thing again only this time add a teaspoon of turmeric to the water. When done add this rice to the other rice. You end up with white and yellow rice and it looks the bollocks.

Now get out your wok and fry some onions until well brown - almost burnt if you like. If you like egg rice, then fry some eggs into the onions and keep stirring with a wooden spoon until the egg is all broken up. Add the rice, mix together and serve. Hey Presto - Fluffy fucking rice.

Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis

Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis

Right ! Get the chip pan on and get it fucking hot. That is slightly hotter than Bastard hot but not quite as hot as Fuck Off Cunting Hot.

Chop 2 onions into quite big bits add to two cups of self raising flour and a teaspoon of hot curry powder and a teaspoon of sugar. Add a pinch of cumin powder and half a teaspoon of turmeric. Add an egg yolk and a little at a time, drip water in it until it is just bound together and a little sticky. Drop dollops into the hot oil and deep fucking fry until dark golden brown. Drain and serve.