Chocolate Chip Cookie & Banana Dessert

As submitted by DangerMouse

Take a pack of saxby's chocolate chip cookie dough
split into 24 and place a blob in each well of a mini-muffin tray
cook for slightly less than the stated time.

Remove from oven and while still hot and soft, squish it in the middle to make it into a pastry-case shape, (this can be the end of a
small rolling pin, or one of the special tools available from lakeland).

When it's cold, place a thick chink of banana in the bottom, spoon
over some caramel toffee sauce (editors note - get a can of condensed milk, put it into a saucepan, add some brown sugar and heat until really really thick. Try not to eat it all out of the pan, there's a dear). 

Top with extra-thick double (or whipped) cream.

Dust with cocoa and serve.

Prem1um's Very Moorish Curry.

Prem1um's Very Moorish Curry.

A Very Moorish Curry
Feeds 4-6

Ingredients:

15g Cumin seeds
5g grated Ginger
4 finely chopped cloves of Garlic
1 bunch of fresh Coriander
2 tablespoons of Garamasala seasoning
Handful of roughly chopped fresh Birdseye Chillies
2 teaspoons of fresh Saffron
1 bunch of fresh Mint
200g fresh plain natural Yoghurt
25g Raisins and Sultanas
1 tablespoon of Crème Fraiche
1 tablespoon of Brown Sugar
1 tablespoon of Paprika
Rock Salt
Cracked Black pepper
Sunflower Oil
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
500g of good quality roughly diced dark red lamb
1 roughly diced Aubergine
2 roughly diced Sweet Green Peppers
1 roughly diced Sweet Red Pepper
3 large very finely chopped Red Onions
1 tin of Chick Peas, drained
1 tin of Chopped Tomatoes
Tomato Puree
100g of White Basmati Rice

Large wok or large deep ‘bucket’ frying pan
1 large saucepan
Sieve
Wooden spatula
Grater
Sharp knife
Chopping board

Method:

Start by slicing and dicing the vegetables and meat. Dry fry the Cumin seeds on a medium heat in your wok for around 2-3 minutes or until they start crackling and popping. Pour a healthy drop of Sunflower Oil and Olive Oil into the Cumin seeds and mix around. Mix in your finely chopped Red Onions, Garlic, Ginger and Birdseye Chillies and fry together until Red Onions are translucent. At this point, add teaspoons of Tomato Puree, Water and Paprika to form a thick paste. Turn heat up to medium/high and add Lamb and Sweet Peppers. While the meat is sealing, season with Rock Salt, Cracked Black Pepper and torn Coriander leaves. Mix well. When Lamb is browned, reduce heat to low and add Tinned Tomatoes, Chick Peas, Aubergine plus 500ml of water. Bring to the boil Mix in two tablespoons of Garamasala, Raisins and Sultanas, a handful of Coriander and stir well. Reduce heat and leave to simmer for 30-40 minutes. Garnish with a sprig of Coriander.

Meanwhile, bring a large saucepan of water to the boil. Add a few pinches of Saffron to water and stir. Rinse Basmati Rice under cold water for a few minutes then add it to boiling water with a pinch of salt. Bring to the boil again then reduce heat to simmer. Cook to taste.

Finely chop quite a few massive sprigs of mint – the more the better. Add to plain natural Yoghurt and mix in with a table spoon of Brown Sugar and a tablespoon of Crème Fraiche.

We have this with a selection of Poppadoms, Peshwari Naans, Chapatis and chilled Cobra beers!

Hoohah's Very Easy But Cocking Lovely Banana Bread.

Hoohah's Very Easy But Cocking Lovely Banana Bread.

This is very simple and is a good way to use up old bananas – the browner the better.

You will need:

Ripe bananas (no set amount, but should fill a mug when mashed up)
250g ish self raising flour
3tsp baking powder
110g ish butter/fat of your choice
200g ish sugar
2 eggs
minute amounts of salt, lemon juice, vanilla essence etc
Anything fruity or nutty you have lying about the kitchen

Method:

Cream together sugar and butter, add beaten eggs. Mash up bananas and add with your lemon juice and vanilla essence (1/2tsp each), and anything else you like – I often use chopped walnuts and cashew nuts, and blueberries work well too.

Sift flour, baking powder and pinch of salt, and mix into bananary goodness.

Grease a loaf dish, splodge in mixture, and bake at 190° for an hour and a quarter (or less time in a hotter oven, just keep an eye on it.)

This is nice as is, but if you want to make it sexier chop up some walnuts and caramelise quickly in brown sugar with a pinch of cayenne pepper, then drizzle the banana bread with a bit of maple syrup and sprinkle the nuts over the top.

Spangolin's Nyommy Toad In The Hole.

Spangolin's Nyommy Toad In The Hole.


This is my easy-peasy and very nyommy toad in the hole recipe. It takes about 40 mins to do, leaving you free most of the time to lounge about or attempt to woo the person you are cooking it for. The whole thing also only costs about a fiver.




Preheat oven to about 200 degrees or whatever that is for gas.

Put some oil (not too much, just a drizzle) in a casserole dish and put your sausages in (a whole
packet, don't be stingy now). Put in oven for about 10 mins, or until the tops of the snorkers go a bit brown. The point is not to cook them all the way through, just a bit.

Meanwhile, mix up:

100g plain flour
200g milk
1 egg

Whisky whisky until it's nice and smooth with no lumps. When your sausages are done (oil should be smoking, ideally, very hot), pour this all over it. Put back in oven, for 30 mins.

If after 30 mins there is still some sloppy bits in the middle, leave in for another 10-15 mins. Serve with bean, gravy, potatoes,whatever you like.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Fucking Scones.

The Bollocks Of A Fucking Scone

Make or buy some scones. Cut the cuts in half then spread some strawberry jam on the top half. Do use the good stuff not that blue stripy value shit.

The Cream. Whisk a pint of double cream until stiff (the cream, that is) add the seeds from one vanilla pod and a teaspoon of sifted icing sugar.

The Strawberries. Slice some of those huge big fuck off strawberries. English ones are best but it’s not always fucking June is it!
Put them in a bowl with some castor sugar, and let them absorb the sugar for a good hour.

Now layer the strawberry slices on the bottom half of the fucking scone, spread half an inch thick dollop of the cream mix, then more strawberry slices, then cream etc. Don’t make it too tall or it will fall the fuck over.

When done, sprinkle some icing sugar over the top and drizzle some strawberry sauce over the top. To make the sauce, liquidise in a liquidiser or food processor some strawberries. Add a little icing sugar and a knob of butter and melt together in a cup for a few seconds in the microwave. Pass the sauce through a sieve to get rid of the fucking seeds and drizzle it over the fucking scone.

Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis

Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis

Right ! Get the chip pan on and get it fucking hot. That is slightly hotter than Bastard hot but not quite as hot as Fuck Off Cunting Hot.

Chop 2 onions into quite big bits add to two cups of self raising flour and a teaspoon of hot curry powder and a teaspoon of sugar. Add a pinch of cumin powder and half a teaspoon of turmeric. Add an egg yolk and a little at a time, drip water in it until it is just bound together and a little sticky. Drop dollops into the hot oil and deep fucking fry until dark golden brown. Drain and serve.

Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream

Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream What Any Cunt Can Make.

All you need is a pint of double cream, and a large tin of condensed milk. Mix together and add whatever you like, squished banana or other fruit, chopped up chocolate, any will do, even a fucking Mars Bar. With chocolate ice cream add some cocoa powder to the mix to make it a bit brown.

Stick it in a pot and freeze it. Simple.

Badger Of Doom's Sticky Chicken & Noodles

Badger Of Doom's Sticky Chicken & Noodles

Serves: 2

Ingredients:

Two large chicken breasts on the on the bone.

Marinade:
Juice of half a lemon + some rind
2 tablespoons soy sauce
Good amount of olive oil
black pepper
1 tablespoon honey
1 tsp chilli powder
Decent amount of roughly chopped corriander

Method:

Marinade the meat for about 20-30 minutes.

Place in an oven at about 200 degrees in a deep baking tray with the marinade poured over the top and the chicken skin side down. Add some water to the tray to prevent the marinade from evaporating and sticking the tray.

Cook for about 10 minutes, then turn the chicken over to skin side up, spoon over the marinade and add some salt to the chicken skin.

Cook for a further 20+ minutes spooning the marinade over twice more. The skin should be crispy. Add more water to the tray if the marinade starts becoming too thick.

While cooking the chicken cook enough noodles for two people and drain them, leave them in the pan. Ideally they should be done just as the chicken is ready. The best way to do this is make sure the chicken is ready, turn off the oven and start the noodles as they don't take long to cook. When the noodles and chicken are done take the chicken off the tray and pour the contents of the tray into the drained noodles. Stir well then squeeze in some more lemon juice and mix again.

Serve the chicken on top of a bed of the noodles.

Tada!

ImNotRightBotheredMe's Quick & Sexy Italian

ImNotRightBotheredMe's Quick & Sexy Italian

Ingredients:

1 chopped red onion
Garlic (to taste)
Olive oil
Finely chopped salami
Passata
Pasta
Lots of black pepper

Method:

Cook pasta in plenty of salted boiling water until done
Fry onions & garlic in olive oil (whilst pasta cooks).
When onions and garlic has softend, add chopped salami & fry gently for around a minute
Add the passata, and the cooked pasta. Stir well.
Add LOADS of freshly ground pepper.

Fucking EAT

Matzo Bry - 90Nz0's Jewish Breakfast

"Matzo-Bry" - Yid's Breakfast, By 90Nz0's Real-Life Mummy

Matzo-Bry, is a traditional jewish breakfast that is fit for a king, very filling, and puts a smile on anyone's face who eats it.
Basically, think of French Toast (eggy bread), but with Matzos. Every family have their own recipe for it, but this is how my family have it.

Feel free to ignore the lashings of brown sugar at the end, or substitue it with Golden Syrup. Try adding some cinnamon.... you can do anything you can do with French Toast. Essentially 2 eggs covers about 5 matzos, and that will fill up most people I know. Feel free to go half-half with someone and add Bacons, in the same way americans add bacons to pancakes.

Ingredients:

- Matzos
- Eggs
- Sugar
- Salt
- Butter

Method

Get matzos, about 4 will do, run them under the tap for about 10 seconds, and crumple them up into a bowl. Then mix up about 2 eggs into the bowl, and sprinkle a bit of salt.

Then mush it all together. Matzo Pieces should be approx 1cm, but it doesn't matter exactly how big each piece is.

Then put a nob (haw haw) of butter in the frying pan, and melt it down.

Now, there are two ways of doing this....

Cake Style: Push it all together into a large fritter and don't move it about. About 10 minutes later or so, tip the frying-pan outside, and serve on a plate.

90Nz0's Mummy's Style: Keep on stirring it around for 10 minutes until all the egg is cooked, all the egg should be cooked, but parts of it should be moist and other parts should be crunchy (the bits that didn't get that much egg on in the mixing process)..

Then sprinkle a plate with sugar (brown is best), poor on the Matzo Bry, and put some more sugar on top.

Serve.

Cauliflower Cheese With Chorizo - Sent In By Hidden Mouse Sleeping Kitten

Hidden Mouse Sleeping Kitten's Vague Measurement Cauliflower Cheese (with Chorizo).

Serves two (probably).
Good stodge-athon after a lovely walk outside/Comfort food
Saucepan Intensive!

Ingredients:

One large cauliflower head (nice looking, clean, respectable)
Grated cheese – as much as you want (cheddar or other favourite cheese)
One large onion
Chorizo – as much as you want
Milk (about a pint but have excess available)
2 tablespoons of flour (any kind will do)
2 tablespoons of butter
Nutmeg (whole or grated – whole preferably)
Pepper (fresh ground if available)
Fresh or dried chillis (optional)
Grated Parmesan cheese (optional)

Method:

Heat oven to 180oC ish.

Grate cheese.

Chop onion.

Slice chorizo thinly (for the dentally challenged, you may wish to remove the skin – but I never bother).

Chop chilli.

Wash the cauliflower, remove all green bits (chuck in the compost) & neatly chop the white stuff into bite-sized chunks.

Boil a saucepan of water & then add in the chopped cauliflower. Boil for five minutes & then drain. Place cauliflower in an ovenproof casserole dish and set aside.

In another saucepan (or the original pan, dried), melt the butter & then stir in the flour. On a low heat, add more butter or flour until you get a thick smooth gloopy paste. This is the basis of your cheese sauce. Keep stirring, don’t let it burn or lumpify (this is why you chop everything first).

On an even heat, pour in a bit of milk & keep stirring until it thickens up. Pour in a bit more & repeat. Keep stirring. Repeat this until you have lots of sauce (or run out of milk). Keep stirring. Grate in some fresh nutmeg, or add a couple of pinches of ready ground nutmeg. Keep stirring. Grind in as much pepper as you want. Now add the grated cheese & stir it all in until it melts. Turn off the heat, or you will have to keep stirring!

Meanwhile, with your other set of hands, fry the onion, chorizo & chopped chillis together with a smidgin of olive oil (the sausage is quite oily anyway). After five minutes (or when the onion looks nice & soft, mix the whole lot into the cheese sauce & turn the heat on for a bit to let the flavours permeate.

Dump the sauce/chorizo/onion mix over the top of the cauliflower in your casserole dish. Add more pepper & the Parmesan cheese if desired.

Pop it all in the centre of your pre-heated oven for about 45 mins, or until the cheese on top is all golden & bubbly.

Eat it you fool!

Little Cheymonster's Chameleon Cheesecake - Sent In By Little Cheymonster

Little Cheymonster's Chameleon Cheesecake - 10 Easy Steps.

Specialist equipment:
Blender
Electric hand-whisk (optional but helps)
Rollin pin (optional)
8-inch push-up bottom tin (if making one big cheesecake)
Bun tin & bun cases OR specialised "mini-bun" tin with push-up bottoms but without bun cases (for mini cheesecakes only)


Suitable for: Anything, depending on the style of decoration and flavours you choose. Making mini-cheesecakes is great for parties, snacks, having mates around.. & you can get little 'uns to decorate their own if you're looking after any. A big cheesecake is an ace pudding.

Ingredients:

150g biscuits (any at all... Hobnobs and chocolate digestives are the best)
75g butter/marg
150g cottage cheese
150g double cream
50g caster sugar (optional)
125g yoghurt (whatever flavour you want the cheesecake to be)
2 eggs, separated
1 sachet gelatin (can get cheap from ASDA)
2tbsp water (or pure fruit juice of your choice if your cheesecake is fruit flavoured)

Method:

1) Bash in biccies. Use blender for fine crumbs, rolling pin for a chunkier texture (or for anger alleviation).
2) Melt butter in a pan, stir in biscuit crumbs, mix well.
3) Press into base of tin(s) in an even layer. Put in fridge.
4) Put water/fruit juice in small glass (shot glasses are good). Add a sachet of gelatin and ensure all the powder jellifies. If not, add more liquid.
5) Blend egg yolks, sugar (if using), yoghurt, cottage cheese until perfectly smooth.
6) Place glass of gelatine in hot water (DON'T get any water in the glass) until melted.
7) Add gelatine to liquid mixture - stir VERY well.
8) Whip cream until thick and fluffy and fold into mixture.
9) Whip egg whites until very very fluffy and fold into mixture.
10) Remove biccy base from fridge, pour mixture over. Replace entire thing in fridge for an hour or two.


Why is this called a Chameleon Cheesecake? You can do anything with it. Use any flavour yoghurt, (plain, toffee, cherry, lemon cheesecake) and yoghurts with chunks in etc. are good.

Add whatever else you want to the biscuit base (e.g. orange rind, coconut, peanuts, chocolate) or just experiment with ready-made biccies - half ginger biscuits and half rich tea is surprisingly nice.

Put anything else you want to the mixture (chopped fruit, nuts, liquorice allsorts, cake crumbs, rohypnol) providing it's not liquid. Heavy stuff may sink though.

You can dissolve the gelatin in warm honey, melted jam, even coffee.. but be VERY careful.

And once it's set you can decorate however you want.

NOTE: You can even make a cake/brownie base and pour the cheesecake mix on top. Or maybe have a base of a ton of fruit if you're an internet fatty. So, yeah. Enjoy

Gizmo's Speciality Cheesecake - Sent In By Gizmo.mp3

You'll like this. No, actually you'll LOVE it.

Measurements are a bit arbitrary, as I usually cook with the time-honoured measurements of 'a bit', 'a splodge', 'a dollop' and 'a load of'. Instruction given at 'catering-novice' (utter spack) level.

Gizmo's Special Mascarpone and Lime Cheesecake

Ingredients: -

500g Mascarpone (two normal-sized tubs)
125g Caster sugar
225g Digestives (Value ones are fine - possibly even better)
100g butter (or margarine, can't-believe-it's-not-butter, etc)
6 limes, the fresher the better
Cocoa powder for decoration

Equipment
1 large mixing bowl
1 wooden spoon/spatula
1 electric whisk
1 loose-bottomed cake tin
A way to create crumbs from digestives (blender or rolling pin, etc)
A way to melt the butter (mug and microwave, small saucepan, etc)
A zester or grater

Method

1. Make rough crumbs from the digestives. Melt the butter. Mix the two together in the mixing bowl with the wooden spoon to make the base mix, which should be quite sticky. Add more butter or crumbs if necessary.

2. Spread the base mix evenly into the bottom of the cake tin. Press it down, especially into the corners. Put the tin into the fridge to chill.
3. Wipe any remaining crumbs from the bowl, and zest the limes into it. Only remove the green layer of the skin, not the white pith. Teehee, 'pith'. Cut the limes in half and squeeze their juice thoroughly, into a glass. Remove as much of the flesh as possible (again, not the pith).

4. Add the cheese and sugar to the mixing bowl. Whisk slowly and add lime juice/flesh mixture by degrees. If the limes were fresh, they will have more juice and thus not all six will be needed. Once the mixture starts to form a smooth mousse, whisk faster to aerate. Add as much lime juice as you can, but stop before the mixture is no longer thick enough to stay on the wooden spoon when upturned.

5. Remove cake tin from fridge. Spoon cheese mixture onto the base, making sure to fill into the corners and tapping the tin on the worktop to remove bubbles.

6. Fridge overnight.

7. Remove from cake tin by placing a baked bean tin, or mug, or similar, underneath and pushing the outside ring gently downwards. Serve with a generous dusting of coca powder.

Notes:
a) You can make the base with chocolate covered digestives, Oreos, bourbon creams, ginger nuts, etc. Experiment.
b) Substitute tangerines and/or lemons for the limes to make a good alternatives to this: for the tangerine one I'd definitely use chocolate biscuits for the base.