Chocolate Chip Cookie & Banana Dessert

As submitted by DangerMouse

Take a pack of saxby's chocolate chip cookie dough
split into 24 and place a blob in each well of a mini-muffin tray
cook for slightly less than the stated time.

Remove from oven and while still hot and soft, squish it in the middle to make it into a pastry-case shape, (this can be the end of a
small rolling pin, or one of the special tools available from lakeland).

When it's cold, place a thick chink of banana in the bottom, spoon
over some caramel toffee sauce (editors note - get a can of condensed milk, put it into a saucepan, add some brown sugar and heat until really really thick. Try not to eat it all out of the pan, there's a dear). 

Top with extra-thick double (or whipped) cream.

Dust with cocoa and serve.

Chipotle Pumpkin and Black bean soup with Apple salsa and Cranberry cream

As submitted by the (ever lovely) MilkNoSugar

Ingredients:
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 large chopped onion
2 large cloves of finely chopped garlic
1 Chipotle Chilli (finely chopped) or 1 tbsp Chipotle seasoning mix
1 bottle of beer
1 tin of pumpkin puree or 1lb of pumpkin cooked and blended
1 1/2 tsp ground cumin
2 pinches of ground cinnamon
salt and pepper
750ml of chicken stock
1 tin of black beans
1 Granny Smith apple (finely chopped)
1/2 small red oniion (finely chopped)
1 jalapeno chilli (seeded and chopped)
handful of coriander (finely chopped)
bit of lime juice
100ml sour cream
50ml cranberry sauce

1. Heat the oil and cook the onion, garlic and chipotle chilli for 5 mins
2. Add the beer and cook until reduced by half
3. Stir in the pumpkin, spices and seasoning
4. stir in the chicken stock and beans and simmer for 10 minutes
5. combine the apple, red onion, jalapeno, coriander and lime juice in a seperate bowl
6. combine the sour cream and cranberry sauce in a seperate bowl
7. serve the soup in bowls and top with the apple salsa and cranberry cream

Ta daaaa!

Mistress Spam's Soy Chicken and Veg Fried Rice.

Mistress Spam's Soy Chicken and Veg Fried Rice.

Ingredients:

- Diced Chicken breast
- Kikkoman or Sharwoods Soy Sauce (it's very important you use either of these brands as the rest are too sugary)
- Chilli Powder
- Petit Pois
- Julienne Carrots
- Chopped Bacon
- Long Grain Rice
- Black Pepper
- 2 Eggs
And anything else you think might taste nice fried in with the rice.

Method:

Cook the rice first, drain and leave to sit in a bowl covered.

Fry the chicken in a tiny bit of oil until nearly cooked and then add a generous splash of Soy Sauce so that all the chicken is browned in it, and sprinkle with Chilli Powder. Once fully cooked place to one side and wash the pan/wok as the bacon needs to be cooked in a very clean pan.

Steam the Peas and Carrots for 2-3 mins until al dente, line the pan by wiping it with kitchen roll that has salt and oil on it. fry the bacon then whisk 2 eggs and add to the bacon whisking as cooking. Next, add the veg to pan and stir fry for 1 minute, then finally add the rice and fry with Soy Sauce until the rice has a brown coating, grind black pepper over the top, add the chicken and serve.

Prem1um's Very Moorish Curry.

Prem1um's Very Moorish Curry.

A Very Moorish Curry
Feeds 4-6

Ingredients:

15g Cumin seeds
5g grated Ginger
4 finely chopped cloves of Garlic
1 bunch of fresh Coriander
2 tablespoons of Garamasala seasoning
Handful of roughly chopped fresh Birdseye Chillies
2 teaspoons of fresh Saffron
1 bunch of fresh Mint
200g fresh plain natural Yoghurt
25g Raisins and Sultanas
1 tablespoon of Crème Fraiche
1 tablespoon of Brown Sugar
1 tablespoon of Paprika
Rock Salt
Cracked Black pepper
Sunflower Oil
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
500g of good quality roughly diced dark red lamb
1 roughly diced Aubergine
2 roughly diced Sweet Green Peppers
1 roughly diced Sweet Red Pepper
3 large very finely chopped Red Onions
1 tin of Chick Peas, drained
1 tin of Chopped Tomatoes
Tomato Puree
100g of White Basmati Rice

Large wok or large deep ‘bucket’ frying pan
1 large saucepan
Sieve
Wooden spatula
Grater
Sharp knife
Chopping board

Method:

Start by slicing and dicing the vegetables and meat. Dry fry the Cumin seeds on a medium heat in your wok for around 2-3 minutes or until they start crackling and popping. Pour a healthy drop of Sunflower Oil and Olive Oil into the Cumin seeds and mix around. Mix in your finely chopped Red Onions, Garlic, Ginger and Birdseye Chillies and fry together until Red Onions are translucent. At this point, add teaspoons of Tomato Puree, Water and Paprika to form a thick paste. Turn heat up to medium/high and add Lamb and Sweet Peppers. While the meat is sealing, season with Rock Salt, Cracked Black Pepper and torn Coriander leaves. Mix well. When Lamb is browned, reduce heat to low and add Tinned Tomatoes, Chick Peas, Aubergine plus 500ml of water. Bring to the boil Mix in two tablespoons of Garamasala, Raisins and Sultanas, a handful of Coriander and stir well. Reduce heat and leave to simmer for 30-40 minutes. Garnish with a sprig of Coriander.

Meanwhile, bring a large saucepan of water to the boil. Add a few pinches of Saffron to water and stir. Rinse Basmati Rice under cold water for a few minutes then add it to boiling water with a pinch of salt. Bring to the boil again then reduce heat to simmer. Cook to taste.

Finely chop quite a few massive sprigs of mint – the more the better. Add to plain natural Yoghurt and mix in with a table spoon of Brown Sugar and a tablespoon of Crème Fraiche.

We have this with a selection of Poppadoms, Peshwari Naans, Chapatis and chilled Cobra beers!

L-Space's Lamb with Red Wine and Redcurrant Sauce.

L-Space's Lamb with Red Wine and Redcurrant Sauce, Served With Baby Carrots, Savoy Cabbage and Garlic (and Rosemary) Mashed Potatoes.

A veritable knicker-remover.

Piss-easy, serves 2, cooks in approximately 30 minutes.

Ingredients:

For the meat:

4 x small lean lamb leg steaks
a good splash of olive oil
about 3 heaped teaspoons of redcurrant jelly
a large glass of red wine (any medium to full-bodied, cheap and drinkable wine will do)
about half a teaspoon of arrowroot, or a teaspoon of flour (optional)

For the accompaniments:

some potatoes - I prefer nice floury ones; how many depends on how hungry you are
butter - an ounce for the cabbage and to taste for the mash - preferably lots
a couple of teaspoons of olive oil
2 cloves of garlic
milk - to taste for the mash
2 teaspoons very finely chopped fresh rosemary (optional)
some baby carrots
Savoy cabbage

Instructions:

Peel the garlic, and crush the cloves a bit with the side of a heavy knife. Put the crushed cloves into a pan with your potatoes, and set them to boil. Heat the oil in a frying pan and cook steaks for about 4-6 minutes each side - don't overdo it, they will be much better slightly rare.
While the meat is cooking, chop the cabbage, and place in a pan with an ounce of melted butter and a teaspoon or so of oil. Cover, and cook gently for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Boiling the baby carrots will take about ten minutes too, so set these going at the same time.
Remove the steaks from the pan and keep them warm. Deglaze the pan (that just means scrape all the meaty bits off) with the wine, then add the redcurrant jelly. Let it boil until it reduces by a third to a half and thickens a bit. Optionally, for a thicker sauce, take the pan off the heat for a minute or two and sprinkle the arrowroot or flour on, whisking quickly to avoid lumps, then return to the heat to thicken. I usually don't find it necessary, to be honest.
Drain the potatoes, then return them to the heat for a minute or two to dry off and fluff up - shake the pan continuously or you'll burn them. Mash them completely (and the cloves of garlic that are in there) before adding the butter and milk. Stir the rosemary in to taste, if required.
Drain any excess from the cabbage and drain the carrots.

I present it as follows:
Arrange the cabbage into a ring towards the centre of the plate, and place the mash neatly in the middle.
Slice each steak at an angle through the short edge (so you get two thinner steaks) and fan them out on top of the potato. Chuck the carrots on the side, and pour the sauce over the top of the meat, then in a ring around the plate. To garnish, if you are so inclined, top it all with a tiny sprig of rosemary.

Wear a condom.

Spangolin's Famous And Lovely Cottage Pie.

Spangolin's Famous And Lovely Cottage Pie.

This is my favourite. Will serve 3 easily.

Ingredients:

4 large potatoes
butter
A bit of milk
Maybe some cheese for sprinkling
500g minced beef
A carrot
Some frozen peas (about a handful)
Red oxo cube
Lea & Perrins sauce
Brown rice miso, if you have some (not completely necessary, but nice)

Method:

First, peel all your potatoes, cut into quarters, and place in half-full saucepan of water. Bring to the boil, put on a relatively high heat, cover and vent, and leave for about 20 mins or until the potatoes are soft enough to slide off a fork if poked.

Drain, put lid back on and set aside.

Chop up carrots, put in saucepan with mince. Brown all the mince, mix it up and stuff. Try not to let it stick to the bottom of the pan. When it's all brown, add your crumbled oxo cube. If you have miso, add a spoon of it to about a pint of boiling water, then pour most of it in. If not, just add about half a pint of water to the mice now.

Splash some lea and perrins in. Don't drown the mince, just enough liquid to nearly cover. Add your peas now. Turn heat down, cover and leave to simmer for 5 mins.

Now turn oven on to about 200 degrees or whatever that is for gas. While it warms, mash up potatoes with lots of butter and maybe a tiny bit of milk.

When mince is done, put mince in the bottom of a pyrex casserole dish or something similar. Use a fork to spread the mashed potato over the top, filling in all holes. Eat some mashed potato now - cook's privilege. Sprinkle lots of cheese on top if you like.

Put in oven for half an hour to brown the top. Make sure dish is sitting on a tray or something - it will bubble over.

Manwhile, make some beans, or veg if you are feeling healthy. Ta-da!

Blackdogmanguitar's Chicken and Flageolet Beans

Blackdogmanguitar's Chicken and Flageolet Beans

Feeds 4

Ingredients:

4 chicken legs (whole legs, not just the drumstick or thigh)
2 medium onions, peeled and quartered
4 rashers of smoked bacon sliced into small pieces
3 whole cloves of garlic, peeled
1 ½ pints of chicken stock
Teaspoon of Thyme
Salt and pepper
Large glass of dry white wine
Teaspoon of flour
Olive oil and butter
2 tins of flageolet beans - drained
Salt and pepper

Method:

Pre-heat oven to 180c

Heat some butter and olive oil in a large frying pan on a low/medium heat and fry the onions and whole garlic cloves for about 5-7 minutes until they are golden and just starting to go brown at the edges.

Add the bacon and fry for 1-2 minutes until the fat on the bacon starts to cook

Turn the heat down to low and stir in the flour and cook for about 1 minute. This will look awful at this stage!

Add the wine and bring to the boil (this boils off the alcohol)

Add the Stock and stir in.

Now put your chicken legs in a large oven proof dish (we use a deep sided roasting tray) and pour the mixture over. Sprinkle over the thyme and season with freshly ground pepper and salt.
Cover the dish with foil and place in the middle of the oven for around 40 minutes.

Add the flageolet beans and cook for a further 30-40 minutes. You can turn the oven down and let it cook for ages at this point – though you may need to add more water.

10 minutes before you want to eat, remove the foil so that the chicken can brown.

Serve with plain boiled rice and a bit of green salad if you’re feeling healthy.

Chicken Stroganoff - sent in by SpoonMeiser

SpoonMeiser's Chicken Stroganoff


Stroganoff looks classy and sophisticated, and sounds pretty impressive because it has a forrin name. Very good for a romantic meal, or to impress a lady with your cooking skills.

Ingredients

I'm more of a 'feels about right' type of cook, so my proportions here might be a bit off. Do what ever feels right.

2 x chicken breasts (about one per person)
lots x mushrooms (different types too, if possible)
some x garlic cloves (amount depending on whether you're trying to get laid or not)
about 4 spring onions
some combination of soured cream and/or natural greek yoghurt
salt and pepper (coarse ground, if possible)
cooking oil of some description (I think olive works best)
rice, preferably wild rice (you know, the one with the black bits in)

Preparation:

Finely chop the garlic.
Thinly slice the chicken breasts.
Chop the spring onions with diagonal slices
Slice all the mushrooms

Method:

Fry the chicken in a wok with a bit of the garlic.

Once cooked, take out and keep warm.

Fry the mushrooms with the rest of the garlic. Try to use as little oil as possible here.

Add the chopped spring onion, fry briefly, and add the chicken back.

Reduce temperature, add soured cream and/or natural greek yogurt.

Stir everything together over a low heat. Don't let it boil - you don't want the cream/yogurt to seperate (getting this right is basically the only piece of skill you need).

Season with salt and pepper.


Serve with wild rice and stroganoff side by side on a plate (volcano formation isn't appropriate here), and a glass of white wine.
It looks more sophisticated if you serve small portions, but being a fat bloater, I never quite manage to do that.

Lazy Thai Curry - Sent In By Noctu

For sheer fucking laziness, here's a curry of sex. From start to eating it takes anything from 15 minutes to 2 hours, depending on how many beers you drink whilst making it. No, you don't actually have to pay attention for most of that time.


Noctu's Lazy Cunt Thai Curry, With Coconut Rice.


Ingredients:

Coconut milk (At least 2 tins. I use 3. Full fat for the lardy bastards, at 80g of fat per tin. Yes. Light tastes exactly the fucking same though. If you can get tins with chunks of coconut in, bonus. You'll only need one of those.)

Chicken. (To continue the lazy theme, buy it pre cut up into cubes)
Rice.
Lemongrass (2 or 3 stalks)
Galangal (Small lump, thumb sized if you're not a midget)
Shallots (However many you fucking want. 2 or 3 works)
Garlic (2-3 cloves)
Bird Eye chillis, or anything else equally as hot. (2-3 for people who can't take heat, 15 if you like it to burn your eyes).

For the really lazy, a lot of supermarkets sell all of the above in one pre-packaged lump. Some even throw a lime in, the dirty bastards. One of those pre packaged things will do for someone who doesn't like too much spice. As always, I'd advise MORE FUCKING CHILLI.

If you want to fuck around a bit, stuff like Thai 5 spice, chinese 7 spice, kaffir lime, green curry powder, chilli flakes, anything like that, you can just whack in. No, I'm not going to tell you how much, as I never bother to measure.


The hard bit:

Peel garlic and shallots.
Cut the stalks off the chillis.
Cut about an inch off the fat ends of two pieces of lemon grass. Keep it.
Dump a tin of coconut milk, the rest of the lemon grass, the garlic, the shallots, and the chillis into a blender.
Blend the cunt (If you have a tin with chunks of coconut in, and you're only using one, I hate you. Take the chunks out, blend, put the chunks back in.).

Get a wok or frying pan nice and hot.
Whack the lot in. Inhale.
If you want a lot of sauce, whack another tin of coconut milk in now.
Whack the chicken in. Yes, raw. Fuck it, let's live a little. (If you really want to fry it first, feel free. I'm just lazy).

If you really want to go to town, cut a few bird eye chillis in half lengthways and chuck them in at this point.

Leave well alone for as long as you waWhack it in a massive fucking bowlnt (at least until the chicken's cooked, anyway). The longer you cook it, the sexier it is.

Whilst that's cooking, make the coconut rice.

Full tin of coconut milk in a pan. Depending on how much rice you're cooking, you'll probably need to add extra water.
Add rice.
Chuck in those lumps of lemon grass I told you to save. You did save them, didn't you? You sod.
Feel free to throw in any other spicy crap you feel like.
Cook, until the water is all absorbed and you're burning your pan, or until it's fucking cooked.
Drain.
Hook out the lemon grass, which will be soggy and shit by now.

Whack the rice in a massive fucking bowl, put some chicken and plenty of sauce on top of it, and fucking eat.

You bastards.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Fuck Off Bastard Hot Curry.

This is for 4 people or one fat bastard.


Captn Hood-Butter’s Fuck Off Bastard Hot Curry.


Cut up 4 onions and fry until just soft in what would seem like too much fucking oil. Use about 4 tablespoons full of bog standard veggie oil or sunflower oil but not that fancy Olive Oil shit. Take off the heat.

Spice mix: 1 teaspoon of cumin seeds, 1 teaspoon of turmeric, 2 dessert spoons of hot madrass powder, 1 dessert spoon of garam masala, half a teaspoon of coriander powder, fenugreek, black onion seed, ginger powder, chilli flakes (if you want it bastadly hotter) a whole (and this is the important bit) star anise crushed to powder and a dessert spoon of brown sugar.

Add the spices to the oily onions and bring back to heat so you are actually frying the spices. This releases the flavours from the spices. Don’t use spice that has been sitting on the rack for fucking years. It will not work you need to go to the nearest Asian Deli and get some in packets. They are quite cheap. Now stir the fucker until you get a dark brown paste. Add half a cup of water and a whole block of creamed coconut. (In Tesco, they come in 4 separate sachets in a box, put all sodding 4 in).

Heat until the coconut is melted then add a little milk until you get a nice creamy sauce. Add whatever floats your boat, fried off chicken or prawns and simmer for 10 mins. Leave to stand for 5 mins and serve. For lamb, cube up the lamb and sear in a pan, add the cunt to the curry and simmer for a whole fucking hour or it will be as tough as fuck. Keep stirring and add a little boiled water every so often to stop it going too thick. Serve with my special onion rice and onion bharjis.

Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream

Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream What Any Cunt Can Make.

All you need is a pint of double cream, and a large tin of condensed milk. Mix together and add whatever you like, squished banana or other fruit, chopped up chocolate, any will do, even a fucking Mars Bar. With chocolate ice cream add some cocoa powder to the mix to make it a bit brown.

Stick it in a pot and freeze it. Simple.

ImNotRightBotheredMe's Quick & Sexy Italian

ImNotRightBotheredMe's Quick & Sexy Italian

Ingredients:

1 chopped red onion
Garlic (to taste)
Olive oil
Finely chopped salami
Passata
Pasta
Lots of black pepper

Method:

Cook pasta in plenty of salted boiling water until done
Fry onions & garlic in olive oil (whilst pasta cooks).
When onions and garlic has softend, add chopped salami & fry gently for around a minute
Add the passata, and the cooked pasta. Stir well.
Add LOADS of freshly ground pepper.

Fucking EAT

Lazy Bastard Pasta - Sent In By I'mNotRightBotheredMe

I'mNotRightBotheredMe's Lazy Bastard Pasta

Ingredients:

Pasta
1 carton passata with garlic & basil
Creme fraiche

Method:

Cook pasta in plenty of salty boiling water. When cooked so the pasta still has some 'bite' to it (al dente), drain and put pasta back into the warm saucepan.

Add passata & heat through gently. When almost ready to serve, add a dollop of creme fraiche. It is so very lazy, but really quite delicious.

Amorous Badger's Dead Classy And Sophisticated Chilli Prawns

Badger's Dead Classy And Sophisticated Chilli Prawns.

For the cooking inept who are trying to impress teh ladies. It looks good, tastes great and it's so easy to prepare that you still have time for a preparatory wank before your date arrives.


Ingredients:

About 300g of the best prawns you can find.
Shell on if possible but if you're too spacky or lazy to peel 'em, then peeled ones is good.

Fresh chillis(strength to taste, I prefer HOT ones cos you need less and it brings out the flavour of the prawns really well if you get it right).

Oil of your choice. I recommend lemon, garlic, good olive oil or chilli oil if you prefer not to risk chopping chillis/genitalia related incidents after cooking (especially important if you are hoping to get sexings).

Parmesan flakes, SERIOUS Stilton or some good Feta.

Nice pasta, multicoloured pasta is great if you can get it but it's really not that important what shape you get, amount to preference.

Salad. Again to preference. I like sweet peppers(red orange and yellow ones), rocket and/or good cress.

(optional)
French bread
Dipping oils and/or vinegars to taste.

How it's done:

Prepare your salad.
Prepare your cheese.

Chop and fry the chillis in your oil.

Prepare the prawns. This may involve simply opening the bag or shelling them. If shelling them, leave the tails on.
I don't know why.

Fry the prawns until done.
If you are using raw ones this until they are no long grey blue and are pinky-red(this is very important if you wish to avoid a dose of the shits).

While you are doing this cook your pasta.
For the cooking inept, about ten minutes in a pan of boiling water is enough.
You spack.

Add salad to circumference of plate.
Add pasta to centre of plate.
Place cooked prawns on top of pasta.
Add cheese to taste to salad and pasta, alternatively before serving put all your salad and pasta in a big dish, chuck in your cheese and toss it up(mix it round with your hands, not wank into it).

Serve.

Recommended drinks to go with this :

Greene King Beer To Dine For
A Good German or Czech Pilsner
San Miguel.
A nice light red wine(read the bloody labels in the shop, it's not HARD).
A light, not too sweet fruit juice or lightly flavoured mineral water if you MUST be poncey.

Editor's note - I don't usually put the recommended drinks in as this is down to you lot to decide for yourselves, but he is The Boyfriend, and as such gets away with these things