Chocolate Chip Cookie & Banana Dessert

As submitted by DangerMouse

Take a pack of saxby's chocolate chip cookie dough
split into 24 and place a blob in each well of a mini-muffin tray
cook for slightly less than the stated time.

Remove from oven and while still hot and soft, squish it in the middle to make it into a pastry-case shape, (this can be the end of a
small rolling pin, or one of the special tools available from lakeland).

When it's cold, place a thick chink of banana in the bottom, spoon
over some caramel toffee sauce (editors note - get a can of condensed milk, put it into a saucepan, add some brown sugar and heat until really really thick. Try not to eat it all out of the pan, there's a dear). 

Top with extra-thick double (or whipped) cream.

Dust with cocoa and serve.

Spangolin's B00X3!!11ONEONE

Spangolin's B00X3!!11ONEONE


A few of my favourites:

The Dirty Mother

Malibu + milk. Yes, just that. It's fucking lush with ice and a little umbrella.

Mojitos

The drink that caused the disaster of drunkenness that was my work xmas party. Crushed ice, dark rum, limes (or lime cordial), brown sugar. Put it all in blender. Add some blended up mint leaves too - lots of these, ideally. Drink, get munted.

White Russian - make in tall glass

2 shots Kahlua, 2 shots vodka, fill the rest up with ice and milk. Drink. Fall over.

Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream

Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream What Any Cunt Can Make.

All you need is a pint of double cream, and a large tin of condensed milk. Mix together and add whatever you like, squished banana or other fruit, chopped up chocolate, any will do, even a fucking Mars Bar. With chocolate ice cream add some cocoa powder to the mix to make it a bit brown.

Stick it in a pot and freeze it. Simple.

Little Cheymonster's Chameleon Cheesecake - Sent In By Little Cheymonster

Little Cheymonster's Chameleon Cheesecake - 10 Easy Steps.

Specialist equipment:
Blender
Electric hand-whisk (optional but helps)
Rollin pin (optional)
8-inch push-up bottom tin (if making one big cheesecake)
Bun tin & bun cases OR specialised "mini-bun" tin with push-up bottoms but without bun cases (for mini cheesecakes only)


Suitable for: Anything, depending on the style of decoration and flavours you choose. Making mini-cheesecakes is great for parties, snacks, having mates around.. & you can get little 'uns to decorate their own if you're looking after any. A big cheesecake is an ace pudding.

Ingredients:

150g biscuits (any at all... Hobnobs and chocolate digestives are the best)
75g butter/marg
150g cottage cheese
150g double cream
50g caster sugar (optional)
125g yoghurt (whatever flavour you want the cheesecake to be)
2 eggs, separated
1 sachet gelatin (can get cheap from ASDA)
2tbsp water (or pure fruit juice of your choice if your cheesecake is fruit flavoured)

Method:

1) Bash in biccies. Use blender for fine crumbs, rolling pin for a chunkier texture (or for anger alleviation).
2) Melt butter in a pan, stir in biscuit crumbs, mix well.
3) Press into base of tin(s) in an even layer. Put in fridge.
4) Put water/fruit juice in small glass (shot glasses are good). Add a sachet of gelatin and ensure all the powder jellifies. If not, add more liquid.
5) Blend egg yolks, sugar (if using), yoghurt, cottage cheese until perfectly smooth.
6) Place glass of gelatine in hot water (DON'T get any water in the glass) until melted.
7) Add gelatine to liquid mixture - stir VERY well.
8) Whip cream until thick and fluffy and fold into mixture.
9) Whip egg whites until very very fluffy and fold into mixture.
10) Remove biccy base from fridge, pour mixture over. Replace entire thing in fridge for an hour or two.


Why is this called a Chameleon Cheesecake? You can do anything with it. Use any flavour yoghurt, (plain, toffee, cherry, lemon cheesecake) and yoghurts with chunks in etc. are good.

Add whatever else you want to the biscuit base (e.g. orange rind, coconut, peanuts, chocolate) or just experiment with ready-made biccies - half ginger biscuits and half rich tea is surprisingly nice.

Put anything else you want to the mixture (chopped fruit, nuts, liquorice allsorts, cake crumbs, rohypnol) providing it's not liquid. Heavy stuff may sink though.

You can dissolve the gelatin in warm honey, melted jam, even coffee.. but be VERY careful.

And once it's set you can decorate however you want.

NOTE: You can even make a cake/brownie base and pour the cheesecake mix on top. Or maybe have a base of a ton of fruit if you're an internet fatty. So, yeah. Enjoy

Gizmo's Speciality Cheesecake - Sent In By Gizmo.mp3

You'll like this. No, actually you'll LOVE it.

Measurements are a bit arbitrary, as I usually cook with the time-honoured measurements of 'a bit', 'a splodge', 'a dollop' and 'a load of'. Instruction given at 'catering-novice' (utter spack) level.

Gizmo's Special Mascarpone and Lime Cheesecake

Ingredients: -

500g Mascarpone (two normal-sized tubs)
125g Caster sugar
225g Digestives (Value ones are fine - possibly even better)
100g butter (or margarine, can't-believe-it's-not-butter, etc)
6 limes, the fresher the better
Cocoa powder for decoration

Equipment
1 large mixing bowl
1 wooden spoon/spatula
1 electric whisk
1 loose-bottomed cake tin
A way to create crumbs from digestives (blender or rolling pin, etc)
A way to melt the butter (mug and microwave, small saucepan, etc)
A zester or grater

Method

1. Make rough crumbs from the digestives. Melt the butter. Mix the two together in the mixing bowl with the wooden spoon to make the base mix, which should be quite sticky. Add more butter or crumbs if necessary.

2. Spread the base mix evenly into the bottom of the cake tin. Press it down, especially into the corners. Put the tin into the fridge to chill.
3. Wipe any remaining crumbs from the bowl, and zest the limes into it. Only remove the green layer of the skin, not the white pith. Teehee, 'pith'. Cut the limes in half and squeeze their juice thoroughly, into a glass. Remove as much of the flesh as possible (again, not the pith).

4. Add the cheese and sugar to the mixing bowl. Whisk slowly and add lime juice/flesh mixture by degrees. If the limes were fresh, they will have more juice and thus not all six will be needed. Once the mixture starts to form a smooth mousse, whisk faster to aerate. Add as much lime juice as you can, but stop before the mixture is no longer thick enough to stay on the wooden spoon when upturned.

5. Remove cake tin from fridge. Spoon cheese mixture onto the base, making sure to fill into the corners and tapping the tin on the worktop to remove bubbles.

6. Fridge overnight.

7. Remove from cake tin by placing a baked bean tin, or mug, or similar, underneath and pushing the outside ring gently downwards. Serve with a generous dusting of coca powder.

Notes:
a) You can make the base with chocolate covered digestives, Oreos, bourbon creams, ginger nuts, etc. Experiment.
b) Substitute tangerines and/or lemons for the limes to make a good alternatives to this: for the tangerine one I'd definitely use chocolate biscuits for the base.

Turbo Diesel - sent by m-a-t-t -- formerly mini

This got me bollocksed on new years eve

Turbo Diesel

In one pint glass with a straw:

Lager (stella)
Cider (strongbow)
Double Vodka
Blackcurrant Juice

You can team this up with a Turbo Shandy (Stella & Smirnoff Ice in a pint glass)

Editor's Note - This sickens me. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Nigella's Clementine Cake - Sent In By Mistress Sp@m

Nigella's Clementine Cake

Prep: 15 mins
Cooking: 3 hours
Use : 20cm cake tin.

Ingredients

4-5 Clementines (to weigh 13oz with the skin on)
Melted Butter for greasing
225g (8oz) sugar
250g (9oz) Ground Almonds
1 heaped Teaspoon baking powder
100g (3½oz)Green and Blacks Maya Gold (OH YES!)

Method
Put the clemetines into a saucepan, cover with cold water and bring to the boil, then simmer for about 2 hours.

Drain and set aside to cool. Then cut each clementine in half and remove the pips. Then pulp everything - skins, pith and the fruit in the food processor.

Pre-heat the oven to 190'C/375'F/Gas Mark 5. Butter and line the cake with greaseproof paper.

Beat the eggs. Add the sugar, almonds and baking powder. Mix well, add the pulped clementines, then stir together. Pour the mixture into the cake tin and bake for one hour until the skewer test returns clean results.
Cover the cake with foil or greaseproof paper after about 40 minutes to prevent the top from burning. Remove from the oven and immediatly grate the chocolate over the top of the cake whilst its still in the tin. Leave to cool completely. Remove from the tin and either store in an airtight container or be a greedy shit and eat it all like I do!