Comma's Tomatoey Tofu Scramble.

Comma's Tomatoey Tofu Scramble.

A tasty, quick and easy breakfast. Nyom.

Ingredients:

One medium tomato
Three spring onions
Half a block (90g) smoked or marinated tofu
Tablespoon tomato paste
Two teaspoons curry powder
Oil for frying

Method:

Heat oil in frying pan.
Chop spring onions and tomato and shove in pan.
Smash tofu up with a fork, and add that to the pan.
Add tomato paste and curry powder.
Fry for a couple of minutes, mixing it all together so it's lovely and red and spicy-nice.

Serve on toast. Nyom.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Onion And/Or Egg Fried Fluffy Fucking Rice

Captn Hood-Butter’s Onion And/Or Egg Fried Fluffy Fucking Rice

For this use Basmatti rice. Nothing else will do. NOTHING.
Bring to the boil some water and add half the desired quantity of rice. Make sure there is loads of water and it don’t boil away. When the rice has embiggified and is cooked, pour the contents of the pan into a metal sieve and immediately pour a kettle of boiling water over the rice, shake all the water out and place in a bowl.
Now do the same thing again only this time add a teaspoon of turmeric to the water. When done add this rice to the other rice. You end up with white and yellow rice and it looks the bollocks.

Now get out your wok and fry some onions until well brown - almost burnt if you like. If you like egg rice, then fry some eggs into the onions and keep stirring with a wooden spoon until the egg is all broken up. Add the rice, mix together and serve. Hey Presto - Fluffy fucking rice.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Sweary Potatoes.

Potato Potato, Fucking Potato.

Get some nice big potatoes and bake in their jackets. A good way to do this is wrap them in a bit of kitchen roll and microwave them for 10 mins. Then put them in a preheated 180°-190° oven. When done cut the fuckers in half and scoop out all the flesh and put into a bowl with butter and cream. Mash together and put back into the potato skins. Pop them back into the oven for a few minutes until browned a bit. If you like, you can put a bit of cheese on them first.

Now as an alternative, why not just serve up the potato as mash. Then you can use the skins to make...

Cocking Nyommy Potato Skins.

Make up this into a paste:

In a food processor put some cubes of cheese, some red onion, a squirt of tomato puree, an egg yolk, some chilli flakes, a pinch or two of sugar and if you have it a little left over gravy. Yes, fucking gravy. Whizz into a paste and spread over the, now quartered, potato skins. Stick them in a hot oven (180°) until they are browned off. These are cocking ace.

Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis

Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis

Right ! Get the chip pan on and get it fucking hot. That is slightly hotter than Bastard hot but not quite as hot as Fuck Off Cunting Hot.

Chop 2 onions into quite big bits add to two cups of self raising flour and a teaspoon of hot curry powder and a teaspoon of sugar. Add a pinch of cumin powder and half a teaspoon of turmeric. Add an egg yolk and a little at a time, drip water in it until it is just bound together and a little sticky. Drop dollops into the hot oil and deep fucking fry until dark golden brown. Drain and serve.

ImNotRightBotheredMe's Veggie Pasta Sauce

ImNotRightBotheredMe's Veggie Pasta Sauce

This sauce is good for pasta, making bolognese, meatballs & spaghetti.

Ingredients:

2 tins chopped tomatoes
2 courgettes
2 large carrots
1 half red pepper
1 half green pepper
1 red onion
Garlic
Olive oil
Mixed Italian herbs

Method:

Chop onions & fry with garlic in olive oil, add herbs.
Dice all the remaining veg (the smaller the better) & add to pan, fry gently for 5-10 minutes.
Add chopped tomatoes, pinch of sugar, season.
Simmer for ages.
Serve as is, or if you're disguising it for kids (and mardy blokes), blitz it with a hand blender.