Chocolate Chip Cookie & Banana Dessert

As submitted by DangerMouse

Take a pack of saxby's chocolate chip cookie dough
split into 24 and place a blob in each well of a mini-muffin tray
cook for slightly less than the stated time.

Remove from oven and while still hot and soft, squish it in the middle to make it into a pastry-case shape, (this can be the end of a
small rolling pin, or one of the special tools available from lakeland).

When it's cold, place a thick chink of banana in the bottom, spoon
over some caramel toffee sauce (editors note - get a can of condensed milk, put it into a saucepan, add some brown sugar and heat until really really thick. Try not to eat it all out of the pan, there's a dear). 

Top with extra-thick double (or whipped) cream.

Dust with cocoa and serve.

Hoohah's Very Easy But Cocking Lovely Banana Bread.

Hoohah's Very Easy But Cocking Lovely Banana Bread.

This is very simple and is a good way to use up old bananas – the browner the better.

You will need:

Ripe bananas (no set amount, but should fill a mug when mashed up)
250g ish self raising flour
3tsp baking powder
110g ish butter/fat of your choice
200g ish sugar
2 eggs
minute amounts of salt, lemon juice, vanilla essence etc
Anything fruity or nutty you have lying about the kitchen

Method:

Cream together sugar and butter, add beaten eggs. Mash up bananas and add with your lemon juice and vanilla essence (1/2tsp each), and anything else you like – I often use chopped walnuts and cashew nuts, and blueberries work well too.

Sift flour, baking powder and pinch of salt, and mix into bananary goodness.

Grease a loaf dish, splodge in mixture, and bake at 190° for an hour and a quarter (or less time in a hotter oven, just keep an eye on it.)

This is nice as is, but if you want to make it sexier chop up some walnuts and caramelise quickly in brown sugar with a pinch of cayenne pepper, then drizzle the banana bread with a bit of maple syrup and sprinkle the nuts over the top.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Fucking Scones.

The Bollocks Of A Fucking Scone

Make or buy some scones. Cut the cuts in half then spread some strawberry jam on the top half. Do use the good stuff not that blue stripy value shit.

The Cream. Whisk a pint of double cream until stiff (the cream, that is) add the seeds from one vanilla pod and a teaspoon of sifted icing sugar.

The Strawberries. Slice some of those huge big fuck off strawberries. English ones are best but it’s not always fucking June is it!
Put them in a bowl with some castor sugar, and let them absorb the sugar for a good hour.

Now layer the strawberry slices on the bottom half of the fucking scone, spread half an inch thick dollop of the cream mix, then more strawberry slices, then cream etc. Don’t make it too tall or it will fall the fuck over.

When done, sprinkle some icing sugar over the top and drizzle some strawberry sauce over the top. To make the sauce, liquidise in a liquidiser or food processor some strawberries. Add a little icing sugar and a knob of butter and melt together in a cup for a few seconds in the microwave. Pass the sauce through a sieve to get rid of the fucking seeds and drizzle it over the fucking scone.

Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream

Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream What Any Cunt Can Make.

All you need is a pint of double cream, and a large tin of condensed milk. Mix together and add whatever you like, squished banana or other fruit, chopped up chocolate, any will do, even a fucking Mars Bar. With chocolate ice cream add some cocoa powder to the mix to make it a bit brown.

Stick it in a pot and freeze it. Simple.