Chocolate Chip Cookie & Banana Dessert

As submitted by DangerMouse

Take a pack of saxby's chocolate chip cookie dough
split into 24 and place a blob in each well of a mini-muffin tray
cook for slightly less than the stated time.

Remove from oven and while still hot and soft, squish it in the middle to make it into a pastry-case shape, (this can be the end of a
small rolling pin, or one of the special tools available from lakeland).

When it's cold, place a thick chink of banana in the bottom, spoon
over some caramel toffee sauce (editors note - get a can of condensed milk, put it into a saucepan, add some brown sugar and heat until really really thick. Try not to eat it all out of the pan, there's a dear). 

Top with extra-thick double (or whipped) cream.

Dust with cocoa and serve.

Piss Easy Beery Stovies

As submitted by MooCow_Byter

This is a bastardised version of the traditional Scottish meal, and is lovely and filling with a smooth, rich gravy. Good for cold nights or comfort food.

Don't worry too much about the exact quantities of ingredients. The ones given will serve several people, depending on how greedy they are, but you can easily scale up or down.

You will need:
4-6 Potatoes. The big, floury, baking kind.
Minced Beef. 800g is good.
An onion, or two if you want.
Oil, butter or fat.
A can of beer. Lager gives best results.
2 stock cubes. I prefer chicken, but beef or vegetable are fine, too.
Seasoning - pepper, chopped parsley, herbs, whatever you have.
A big pan with a lid.
Optional: button mushrooms. I like them, but they aren't essential.

How to do it:
Heat the oil in the pan and add the chopped onion. Cook it until it's soft, but not brown. In the meantime peel the potatoes and slice them thinly. You might want to chop them in half first if they're especially big. Put them in with the onions and stir so that everything is covered in oil. If you're using mushrooms, chop them up and add them now, too.

Put the lid on the pan and leave it on a low heat for ten minutes or so. Then add the beer, and crumble in the stock cubes. Now cover the pan and cook on the lowest heat you can.

Once the potatoes are cooked (probably about half an hour, check back and stir from time to time), add the mince and mix it all up. Season to taste, and turn up the heat a bit so that you have a slow simmer. Leave the whole thing for at least 45 minutes, although anything up to a couple of hours is fine.

You can serve with bread or oatcakes if you like, but it's fine by itself, too.

Chipotle Pumpkin and Black bean soup with Apple salsa and Cranberry cream

As submitted by the (ever lovely) MilkNoSugar

Ingredients:
2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 large chopped onion
2 large cloves of finely chopped garlic
1 Chipotle Chilli (finely chopped) or 1 tbsp Chipotle seasoning mix
1 bottle of beer
1 tin of pumpkin puree or 1lb of pumpkin cooked and blended
1 1/2 tsp ground cumin
2 pinches of ground cinnamon
salt and pepper
750ml of chicken stock
1 tin of black beans
1 Granny Smith apple (finely chopped)
1/2 small red oniion (finely chopped)
1 jalapeno chilli (seeded and chopped)
handful of coriander (finely chopped)
bit of lime juice
100ml sour cream
50ml cranberry sauce

1. Heat the oil and cook the onion, garlic and chipotle chilli for 5 mins
2. Add the beer and cook until reduced by half
3. Stir in the pumpkin, spices and seasoning
4. stir in the chicken stock and beans and simmer for 10 minutes
5. combine the apple, red onion, jalapeno, coriander and lime juice in a seperate bowl
6. combine the sour cream and cranberry sauce in a seperate bowl
7. serve the soup in bowls and top with the apple salsa and cranberry cream

Ta daaaa!

Mistress Spam's Soy Chicken and Veg Fried Rice.

Mistress Spam's Soy Chicken and Veg Fried Rice.

Ingredients:

- Diced Chicken breast
- Kikkoman or Sharwoods Soy Sauce (it's very important you use either of these brands as the rest are too sugary)
- Chilli Powder
- Petit Pois
- Julienne Carrots
- Chopped Bacon
- Long Grain Rice
- Black Pepper
- 2 Eggs
And anything else you think might taste nice fried in with the rice.

Method:

Cook the rice first, drain and leave to sit in a bowl covered.

Fry the chicken in a tiny bit of oil until nearly cooked and then add a generous splash of Soy Sauce so that all the chicken is browned in it, and sprinkle with Chilli Powder. Once fully cooked place to one side and wash the pan/wok as the bacon needs to be cooked in a very clean pan.

Steam the Peas and Carrots for 2-3 mins until al dente, line the pan by wiping it with kitchen roll that has salt and oil on it. fry the bacon then whisk 2 eggs and add to the bacon whisking as cooking. Next, add the veg to pan and stir fry for 1 minute, then finally add the rice and fry with Soy Sauce until the rice has a brown coating, grind black pepper over the top, add the chicken and serve.

Hoohah's Very Easy But Cocking Lovely Banana Bread.

Hoohah's Very Easy But Cocking Lovely Banana Bread.

This is very simple and is a good way to use up old bananas – the browner the better.

You will need:

Ripe bananas (no set amount, but should fill a mug when mashed up)
250g ish self raising flour
3tsp baking powder
110g ish butter/fat of your choice
200g ish sugar
2 eggs
minute amounts of salt, lemon juice, vanilla essence etc
Anything fruity or nutty you have lying about the kitchen

Method:

Cream together sugar and butter, add beaten eggs. Mash up bananas and add with your lemon juice and vanilla essence (1/2tsp each), and anything else you like – I often use chopped walnuts and cashew nuts, and blueberries work well too.

Sift flour, baking powder and pinch of salt, and mix into bananary goodness.

Grease a loaf dish, splodge in mixture, and bake at 190° for an hour and a quarter (or less time in a hotter oven, just keep an eye on it.)

This is nice as is, but if you want to make it sexier chop up some walnuts and caramelise quickly in brown sugar with a pinch of cayenne pepper, then drizzle the banana bread with a bit of maple syrup and sprinkle the nuts over the top.

Spangolin's Nyommy Toad In The Hole.

Spangolin's Nyommy Toad In The Hole.


This is my easy-peasy and very nyommy toad in the hole recipe. It takes about 40 mins to do, leaving you free most of the time to lounge about or attempt to woo the person you are cooking it for. The whole thing also only costs about a fiver.




Preheat oven to about 200 degrees or whatever that is for gas.

Put some oil (not too much, just a drizzle) in a casserole dish and put your sausages in (a whole
packet, don't be stingy now). Put in oven for about 10 mins, or until the tops of the snorkers go a bit brown. The point is not to cook them all the way through, just a bit.

Meanwhile, mix up:

100g plain flour
200g milk
1 egg

Whisky whisky until it's nice and smooth with no lumps. When your sausages are done (oil should be smoking, ideally, very hot), pour this all over it. Put back in oven, for 30 mins.

If after 30 mins there is still some sloppy bits in the middle, leave in for another 10-15 mins. Serve with bean, gravy, potatoes,whatever you like.

Mince's Scottish Tablet.

Made this for the umpteenth time last night:

Mince's Scottish Tablet.


A very simple recipe devised by my flatmate's gran. I have made it lots. It has got me kudos with: girls, parents and grandparents who think I am a lazy student moocher (which I am).

Ingredients:

175g unsalted butter
1kg caster sugar
300ml milk (full-fat)
200g condensed milk
pinch of salt
1 tsp vanilla essence

Greased baking tray.

Method:

1) Melt the butter in a pan.
2) Dump in the sugar, milk and salt
3) Constantly stir the mixture on a high heat (reducing the heat if it's going to boil over) for about 15 minutes.
4) Add the condensed milk
5) Stir again on a high heat until the mixture visibly darkens and is quite stiff to stir (this will take about 15-20 mins).
6) Take the mix off the heat, still stirring (else it will set in the pan!).
7) Add the vanilla essence.
8) Beat the mix for about 5 mins.
9) Pour into your big, greasy tray
10) Leave it to cool on the side - no need for fridgey nonsense.
11) Wait..
12) Wait...
13) Wait....
14) Eat it all! Or, alternatively, share it with love.


Enjoy!

Morrybyte's "Fuck Me I Was Pissed Last Night" Hangover Omelette...

Morrybyte's "Fuck Me I Was Pissed Last Night" Hangover Omelette...


Guaranteed to make you feel fantastic. It doesn't require effort and is easier than anything else that requires cooking. May cause slightly sticky pan, use a teflon one if possible. Ace because all the weights and stuff are just made up - throw in what you feel like throwing in, the important part is how to do the eggs.

What you need:

- 3 eggs (4 if you're a fat bastard, 2 if you're on a diet or something)
- 200-400g of cheeses (doesn't matter which as long as they're hard.pfft, i wrote hard. In fact, just take any cheese you have that's about the size of your mobile phone - unless you've got one of those nifty slim ones).
- Ham, mushrooms, peppers, anything else you can think of. No potatos, they require too much effort.

Method:

Now, take your eggs and break them into a bowl (no eggshells, not cool. Pick them out with the finger you just scratched your arse with, mix with fork until the yellow stuff has mixed with the white stuff perfectly. May require a bit of speed, but we've got time. It is, after all, sunday morning. You can also use one of those mixer things, but they make a loud noise and I can't stand that with an already pounding brain.

Ok now leave that on the side, heat up the pan on the lowest setting whilst you reach for the cheese. It might be tempting to just use the brick of cheese you have now, but that would take too long to melt. The idea's a good one though, I respect your clarity of mind. Sorry, but you're gonna have to get the cheesegrater out. I tend to have done this step the night before, for some reason I find grating cheese hilarious when drunk. Go figure... Anyway work away, taking care not to open your arm up on the evil machine. You can use a knife instead and slice it into little squares, it's also fine.

Slice ham into about the width of sellotape and the length of your thumb. I said about, dont spend ages figuring it out. Peppers, well i get mine pre-sliced (Editor's Note - LAZY MORRYBYTE), but if you don't then cut one in half, take all the crap off and out and cut it into thing longish pieces. Next come the mushrooms, again, pre-sliced (What is the world coming to? - Ed) is ideal but if they're fresh just cut them into thin slices from the top down.

Throw all the stuff in with the eggs, mix until it's a thick, guey mess. Smells awesome, looks a bit rank.

The pan should be warm by now, turn setting to about middle, melt a slice of butter and spread around pan, pour in sludge. You should have the required equipment here, so get that pancake flippy thing that you never use anyway. Wait for the stuff to go a bit harder, you'll notice the bastard top isn't cooking. Using said pancake flippy thingy, lift the omelette a little and look underneath. Has it hardened yet? Is there any liquid flowing down? If not and it hasn't burned yet, turn it around. May look a bit worse the wear for it, dont worry it doesn't affect the taste.

When done, take off cooker, throw the omelette onto a plate or two. You're ready to tuck in, but not before the you put the pan into the sink, and turn the tap on for pleasing gush of steam.

Add salt/pepper. Looks absolutely disgusting, but is amazing.

Yumyum pig's bum!

Captn Hood-Butter’s Fucking Scones.

The Bollocks Of A Fucking Scone

Make or buy some scones. Cut the cuts in half then spread some strawberry jam on the top half. Do use the good stuff not that blue stripy value shit.

The Cream. Whisk a pint of double cream until stiff (the cream, that is) add the seeds from one vanilla pod and a teaspoon of sifted icing sugar.

The Strawberries. Slice some of those huge big fuck off strawberries. English ones are best but it’s not always fucking June is it!
Put them in a bowl with some castor sugar, and let them absorb the sugar for a good hour.

Now layer the strawberry slices on the bottom half of the fucking scone, spread half an inch thick dollop of the cream mix, then more strawberry slices, then cream etc. Don’t make it too tall or it will fall the fuck over.

When done, sprinkle some icing sugar over the top and drizzle some strawberry sauce over the top. To make the sauce, liquidise in a liquidiser or food processor some strawberries. Add a little icing sugar and a knob of butter and melt together in a cup for a few seconds in the microwave. Pass the sauce through a sieve to get rid of the fucking seeds and drizzle it over the fucking scone.

Matzo Bry - 90Nz0's Jewish Breakfast

"Matzo-Bry" - Yid's Breakfast, By 90Nz0's Real-Life Mummy

Matzo-Bry, is a traditional jewish breakfast that is fit for a king, very filling, and puts a smile on anyone's face who eats it.
Basically, think of French Toast (eggy bread), but with Matzos. Every family have their own recipe for it, but this is how my family have it.

Feel free to ignore the lashings of brown sugar at the end, or substitue it with Golden Syrup. Try adding some cinnamon.... you can do anything you can do with French Toast. Essentially 2 eggs covers about 5 matzos, and that will fill up most people I know. Feel free to go half-half with someone and add Bacons, in the same way americans add bacons to pancakes.

Ingredients:

- Matzos
- Eggs
- Sugar
- Salt
- Butter

Method

Get matzos, about 4 will do, run them under the tap for about 10 seconds, and crumple them up into a bowl. Then mix up about 2 eggs into the bowl, and sprinkle a bit of salt.

Then mush it all together. Matzo Pieces should be approx 1cm, but it doesn't matter exactly how big each piece is.

Then put a nob (haw haw) of butter in the frying pan, and melt it down.

Now, there are two ways of doing this....

Cake Style: Push it all together into a large fritter and don't move it about. About 10 minutes later or so, tip the frying-pan outside, and serve on a plate.

90Nz0's Mummy's Style: Keep on stirring it around for 10 minutes until all the egg is cooked, all the egg should be cooked, but parts of it should be moist and other parts should be crunchy (the bits that didn't get that much egg on in the mixing process)..

Then sprinkle a plate with sugar (brown is best), poor on the Matzo Bry, and put some more sugar on top.

Serve.

Cauliflower Cheese With Chorizo - Sent In By Hidden Mouse Sleeping Kitten

Hidden Mouse Sleeping Kitten's Vague Measurement Cauliflower Cheese (with Chorizo).

Serves two (probably).
Good stodge-athon after a lovely walk outside/Comfort food
Saucepan Intensive!

Ingredients:

One large cauliflower head (nice looking, clean, respectable)
Grated cheese – as much as you want (cheddar or other favourite cheese)
One large onion
Chorizo – as much as you want
Milk (about a pint but have excess available)
2 tablespoons of flour (any kind will do)
2 tablespoons of butter
Nutmeg (whole or grated – whole preferably)
Pepper (fresh ground if available)
Fresh or dried chillis (optional)
Grated Parmesan cheese (optional)

Method:

Heat oven to 180oC ish.

Grate cheese.

Chop onion.

Slice chorizo thinly (for the dentally challenged, you may wish to remove the skin – but I never bother).

Chop chilli.

Wash the cauliflower, remove all green bits (chuck in the compost) & neatly chop the white stuff into bite-sized chunks.

Boil a saucepan of water & then add in the chopped cauliflower. Boil for five minutes & then drain. Place cauliflower in an ovenproof casserole dish and set aside.

In another saucepan (or the original pan, dried), melt the butter & then stir in the flour. On a low heat, add more butter or flour until you get a thick smooth gloopy paste. This is the basis of your cheese sauce. Keep stirring, don’t let it burn or lumpify (this is why you chop everything first).

On an even heat, pour in a bit of milk & keep stirring until it thickens up. Pour in a bit more & repeat. Keep stirring. Repeat this until you have lots of sauce (or run out of milk). Keep stirring. Grate in some fresh nutmeg, or add a couple of pinches of ready ground nutmeg. Keep stirring. Grind in as much pepper as you want. Now add the grated cheese & stir it all in until it melts. Turn off the heat, or you will have to keep stirring!

Meanwhile, with your other set of hands, fry the onion, chorizo & chopped chillis together with a smidgin of olive oil (the sausage is quite oily anyway). After five minutes (or when the onion looks nice & soft, mix the whole lot into the cheese sauce & turn the heat on for a bit to let the flavours permeate.

Dump the sauce/chorizo/onion mix over the top of the cauliflower in your casserole dish. Add more pepper & the Parmesan cheese if desired.

Pop it all in the centre of your pre-heated oven for about 45 mins, or until the cheese on top is all golden & bubbly.

Eat it you fool!

Little Cheymonster's Chameleon Cheesecake - Sent In By Little Cheymonster

Little Cheymonster's Chameleon Cheesecake - 10 Easy Steps.

Specialist equipment:
Blender
Electric hand-whisk (optional but helps)
Rollin pin (optional)
8-inch push-up bottom tin (if making one big cheesecake)
Bun tin & bun cases OR specialised "mini-bun" tin with push-up bottoms but without bun cases (for mini cheesecakes only)


Suitable for: Anything, depending on the style of decoration and flavours you choose. Making mini-cheesecakes is great for parties, snacks, having mates around.. & you can get little 'uns to decorate their own if you're looking after any. A big cheesecake is an ace pudding.

Ingredients:

150g biscuits (any at all... Hobnobs and chocolate digestives are the best)
75g butter/marg
150g cottage cheese
150g double cream
50g caster sugar (optional)
125g yoghurt (whatever flavour you want the cheesecake to be)
2 eggs, separated
1 sachet gelatin (can get cheap from ASDA)
2tbsp water (or pure fruit juice of your choice if your cheesecake is fruit flavoured)

Method:

1) Bash in biccies. Use blender for fine crumbs, rolling pin for a chunkier texture (or for anger alleviation).
2) Melt butter in a pan, stir in biscuit crumbs, mix well.
3) Press into base of tin(s) in an even layer. Put in fridge.
4) Put water/fruit juice in small glass (shot glasses are good). Add a sachet of gelatin and ensure all the powder jellifies. If not, add more liquid.
5) Blend egg yolks, sugar (if using), yoghurt, cottage cheese until perfectly smooth.
6) Place glass of gelatine in hot water (DON'T get any water in the glass) until melted.
7) Add gelatine to liquid mixture - stir VERY well.
8) Whip cream until thick and fluffy and fold into mixture.
9) Whip egg whites until very very fluffy and fold into mixture.
10) Remove biccy base from fridge, pour mixture over. Replace entire thing in fridge for an hour or two.


Why is this called a Chameleon Cheesecake? You can do anything with it. Use any flavour yoghurt, (plain, toffee, cherry, lemon cheesecake) and yoghurts with chunks in etc. are good.

Add whatever else you want to the biscuit base (e.g. orange rind, coconut, peanuts, chocolate) or just experiment with ready-made biccies - half ginger biscuits and half rich tea is surprisingly nice.

Put anything else you want to the mixture (chopped fruit, nuts, liquorice allsorts, cake crumbs, rohypnol) providing it's not liquid. Heavy stuff may sink though.

You can dissolve the gelatin in warm honey, melted jam, even coffee.. but be VERY careful.

And once it's set you can decorate however you want.

NOTE: You can even make a cake/brownie base and pour the cheesecake mix on top. Or maybe have a base of a ton of fruit if you're an internet fatty. So, yeah. Enjoy

Gizmo's Speciality Cheesecake - Sent In By Gizmo.mp3

You'll like this. No, actually you'll LOVE it.

Measurements are a bit arbitrary, as I usually cook with the time-honoured measurements of 'a bit', 'a splodge', 'a dollop' and 'a load of'. Instruction given at 'catering-novice' (utter spack) level.

Gizmo's Special Mascarpone and Lime Cheesecake

Ingredients: -

500g Mascarpone (two normal-sized tubs)
125g Caster sugar
225g Digestives (Value ones are fine - possibly even better)
100g butter (or margarine, can't-believe-it's-not-butter, etc)
6 limes, the fresher the better
Cocoa powder for decoration

Equipment
1 large mixing bowl
1 wooden spoon/spatula
1 electric whisk
1 loose-bottomed cake tin
A way to create crumbs from digestives (blender or rolling pin, etc)
A way to melt the butter (mug and microwave, small saucepan, etc)
A zester or grater

Method

1. Make rough crumbs from the digestives. Melt the butter. Mix the two together in the mixing bowl with the wooden spoon to make the base mix, which should be quite sticky. Add more butter or crumbs if necessary.

2. Spread the base mix evenly into the bottom of the cake tin. Press it down, especially into the corners. Put the tin into the fridge to chill.
3. Wipe any remaining crumbs from the bowl, and zest the limes into it. Only remove the green layer of the skin, not the white pith. Teehee, 'pith'. Cut the limes in half and squeeze their juice thoroughly, into a glass. Remove as much of the flesh as possible (again, not the pith).

4. Add the cheese and sugar to the mixing bowl. Whisk slowly and add lime juice/flesh mixture by degrees. If the limes were fresh, they will have more juice and thus not all six will be needed. Once the mixture starts to form a smooth mousse, whisk faster to aerate. Add as much lime juice as you can, but stop before the mixture is no longer thick enough to stay on the wooden spoon when upturned.

5. Remove cake tin from fridge. Spoon cheese mixture onto the base, making sure to fill into the corners and tapping the tin on the worktop to remove bubbles.

6. Fridge overnight.

7. Remove from cake tin by placing a baked bean tin, or mug, or similar, underneath and pushing the outside ring gently downwards. Serve with a generous dusting of coca powder.

Notes:
a) You can make the base with chocolate covered digestives, Oreos, bourbon creams, ginger nuts, etc. Experiment.
b) Substitute tangerines and/or lemons for the limes to make a good alternatives to this: for the tangerine one I'd definitely use chocolate biscuits for the base.

Nigella's Clementine Cake - Sent In By Mistress Sp@m

Nigella's Clementine Cake

Prep: 15 mins
Cooking: 3 hours
Use : 20cm cake tin.

Ingredients

4-5 Clementines (to weigh 13oz with the skin on)
Melted Butter for greasing
225g (8oz) sugar
250g (9oz) Ground Almonds
1 heaped Teaspoon baking powder
100g (3½oz)Green and Blacks Maya Gold (OH YES!)

Method
Put the clemetines into a saucepan, cover with cold water and bring to the boil, then simmer for about 2 hours.

Drain and set aside to cool. Then cut each clementine in half and remove the pips. Then pulp everything - skins, pith and the fruit in the food processor.

Pre-heat the oven to 190'C/375'F/Gas Mark 5. Butter and line the cake with greaseproof paper.

Beat the eggs. Add the sugar, almonds and baking powder. Mix well, add the pulped clementines, then stir together. Pour the mixture into the cake tin and bake for one hour until the skewer test returns clean results.
Cover the cake with foil or greaseproof paper after about 40 minutes to prevent the top from burning. Remove from the oven and immediatly grate the chocolate over the top of the cake whilst its still in the tin. Leave to cool completely. Remove from the tin and either store in an airtight container or be a greedy shit and eat it all like I do!

The World's Greatest Bagel - Sent In By Shegetz

THE WORLD'S GREATEST BAGEL.

Description:
Exactly what it says in the name. This is the world's finest bread-based sandwich derivative. Strictly off-limits for all observant Jews, despite the choice of bread. Naughty Jews, however, are allowed. A nice easy snack to prepare, this is a very satisfying and spicy snack you can make in about a minute.

Feeds: 1.

Ingredients (per bagel):

1x Plain bagel
2x Slices of chicken roll.
3x slices of Spanish chorizo.
2x slices of German peppered salami.
7x sliced jalapenos from a jar.

- Slice the bagel in half. You can toast it if you really like.

- Arrange the ingredients in order of chicken roll, then chorizo laid out so it covers most of the chicken, then the salami slices, and then arrange the jalapeno slices in a circle with one in the middle.