Morrybyte's "Fuck Me I Was Pissed Last Night" Hangover Omelette...

Morrybyte's "Fuck Me I Was Pissed Last Night" Hangover Omelette...


Guaranteed to make you feel fantastic. It doesn't require effort and is easier than anything else that requires cooking. May cause slightly sticky pan, use a teflon one if possible. Ace because all the weights and stuff are just made up - throw in what you feel like throwing in, the important part is how to do the eggs.

What you need:

- 3 eggs (4 if you're a fat bastard, 2 if you're on a diet or something)
- 200-400g of cheeses (doesn't matter which as long as they're hard.pfft, i wrote hard. In fact, just take any cheese you have that's about the size of your mobile phone - unless you've got one of those nifty slim ones).
- Ham, mushrooms, peppers, anything else you can think of. No potatos, they require too much effort.

Method:

Now, take your eggs and break them into a bowl (no eggshells, not cool. Pick them out with the finger you just scratched your arse with, mix with fork until the yellow stuff has mixed with the white stuff perfectly. May require a bit of speed, but we've got time. It is, after all, sunday morning. You can also use one of those mixer things, but they make a loud noise and I can't stand that with an already pounding brain.

Ok now leave that on the side, heat up the pan on the lowest setting whilst you reach for the cheese. It might be tempting to just use the brick of cheese you have now, but that would take too long to melt. The idea's a good one though, I respect your clarity of mind. Sorry, but you're gonna have to get the cheesegrater out. I tend to have done this step the night before, for some reason I find grating cheese hilarious when drunk. Go figure... Anyway work away, taking care not to open your arm up on the evil machine. You can use a knife instead and slice it into little squares, it's also fine.

Slice ham into about the width of sellotape and the length of your thumb. I said about, dont spend ages figuring it out. Peppers, well i get mine pre-sliced (Editor's Note - LAZY MORRYBYTE), but if you don't then cut one in half, take all the crap off and out and cut it into thing longish pieces. Next come the mushrooms, again, pre-sliced (What is the world coming to? - Ed) is ideal but if they're fresh just cut them into thin slices from the top down.

Throw all the stuff in with the eggs, mix until it's a thick, guey mess. Smells awesome, looks a bit rank.

The pan should be warm by now, turn setting to about middle, melt a slice of butter and spread around pan, pour in sludge. You should have the required equipment here, so get that pancake flippy thing that you never use anyway. Wait for the stuff to go a bit harder, you'll notice the bastard top isn't cooking. Using said pancake flippy thingy, lift the omelette a little and look underneath. Has it hardened yet? Is there any liquid flowing down? If not and it hasn't burned yet, turn it around. May look a bit worse the wear for it, dont worry it doesn't affect the taste.

When done, take off cooker, throw the omelette onto a plate or two. You're ready to tuck in, but not before the you put the pan into the sink, and turn the tap on for pleasing gush of steam.

Add salt/pepper. Looks absolutely disgusting, but is amazing.

Yumyum pig's bum!

Bacjen Pastox - Sent In By Toxie

Toxie's Bacjen Pastox

Ingredients:

Pasta
Bacon
Cheese (cheddar is good, and a bit of parmesan is nice)
One tin of chopped tomatoes
A squooge of tomato puree
One onion
Lots of garlic (or garlic to taste)
A splash of worcestershire sauce
A sprinkle of oregano
Some Olive Oil

Method:

First, chop the onion and garlic and fry them in the oil until soft. Add the chopped tomatoes, oregano, worcestershire sauce and tomato puree and simmer until everything else is ready.
Chop the bacon into bite sized lumps, spread out on a baking sheet and bake until crispy.
Meanwhile, boil your pasta.
Once pasta is cooked and bacon is cripy mix them together along with the tomato mixture.
Grate a mass of cheese on top and grill until crispy.

Voila!

Captn Hood-Butter’s Sweary Potatoes.

Potato Potato, Fucking Potato.

Get some nice big potatoes and bake in their jackets. A good way to do this is wrap them in a bit of kitchen roll and microwave them for 10 mins. Then put them in a preheated 180°-190° oven. When done cut the fuckers in half and scoop out all the flesh and put into a bowl with butter and cream. Mash together and put back into the potato skins. Pop them back into the oven for a few minutes until browned a bit. If you like, you can put a bit of cheese on them first.

Now as an alternative, why not just serve up the potato as mash. Then you can use the skins to make...

Cocking Nyommy Potato Skins.

Make up this into a paste:

In a food processor put some cubes of cheese, some red onion, a squirt of tomato puree, an egg yolk, some chilli flakes, a pinch or two of sugar and if you have it a little left over gravy. Yes, fucking gravy. Whizz into a paste and spread over the, now quartered, potato skins. Stick them in a hot oven (180°) until they are browned off. These are cocking ace.

ImNotRightBotheredMe's Quick & Sexy Italian

ImNotRightBotheredMe's Quick & Sexy Italian

Ingredients:

1 chopped red onion
Garlic (to taste)
Olive oil
Finely chopped salami
Passata
Pasta
Lots of black pepper

Method:

Cook pasta in plenty of salted boiling water until done
Fry onions & garlic in olive oil (whilst pasta cooks).
When onions and garlic has softend, add chopped salami & fry gently for around a minute
Add the passata, and the cooked pasta. Stir well.
Add LOADS of freshly ground pepper.

Fucking EAT

Lazy Bastard Pasta - Sent In By I'mNotRightBotheredMe

I'mNotRightBotheredMe's Lazy Bastard Pasta

Ingredients:

Pasta
1 carton passata with garlic & basil
Creme fraiche

Method:

Cook pasta in plenty of salty boiling water. When cooked so the pasta still has some 'bite' to it (al dente), drain and put pasta back into the warm saucepan.

Add passata & heat through gently. When almost ready to serve, add a dollop of creme fraiche. It is so very lazy, but really quite delicious.

The World's Greatest Bagel - Sent In By Shegetz

THE WORLD'S GREATEST BAGEL.

Description:
Exactly what it says in the name. This is the world's finest bread-based sandwich derivative. Strictly off-limits for all observant Jews, despite the choice of bread. Naughty Jews, however, are allowed. A nice easy snack to prepare, this is a very satisfying and spicy snack you can make in about a minute.

Feeds: 1.

Ingredients (per bagel):

1x Plain bagel
2x Slices of chicken roll.
3x slices of Spanish chorizo.
2x slices of German peppered salami.
7x sliced jalapenos from a jar.

- Slice the bagel in half. You can toast it if you really like.

- Arrange the ingredients in order of chicken roll, then chorizo laid out so it covers most of the chicken, then the salami slices, and then arrange the jalapeno slices in a circle with one in the middle.