Chocolate Chip Cookie & Banana Dessert

As submitted by DangerMouse

Take a pack of saxby's chocolate chip cookie dough
split into 24 and place a blob in each well of a mini-muffin tray
cook for slightly less than the stated time.

Remove from oven and while still hot and soft, squish it in the middle to make it into a pastry-case shape, (this can be the end of a
small rolling pin, or one of the special tools available from lakeland).

When it's cold, place a thick chink of banana in the bottom, spoon
over some caramel toffee sauce (editors note - get a can of condensed milk, put it into a saucepan, add some brown sugar and heat until really really thick. Try not to eat it all out of the pan, there's a dear). 

Top with extra-thick double (or whipped) cream.

Dust with cocoa and serve.

Piss Easy Beery Stovies

As submitted by MooCow_Byter

This is a bastardised version of the traditional Scottish meal, and is lovely and filling with a smooth, rich gravy. Good for cold nights or comfort food.

Don't worry too much about the exact quantities of ingredients. The ones given will serve several people, depending on how greedy they are, but you can easily scale up or down.

You will need:
4-6 Potatoes. The big, floury, baking kind.
Minced Beef. 800g is good.
An onion, or two if you want.
Oil, butter or fat.
A can of beer. Lager gives best results.
2 stock cubes. I prefer chicken, but beef or vegetable are fine, too.
Seasoning - pepper, chopped parsley, herbs, whatever you have.
A big pan with a lid.
Optional: button mushrooms. I like them, but they aren't essential.

How to do it:
Heat the oil in the pan and add the chopped onion. Cook it until it's soft, but not brown. In the meantime peel the potatoes and slice them thinly. You might want to chop them in half first if they're especially big. Put them in with the onions and stir so that everything is covered in oil. If you're using mushrooms, chop them up and add them now, too.

Put the lid on the pan and leave it on a low heat for ten minutes or so. Then add the beer, and crumble in the stock cubes. Now cover the pan and cook on the lowest heat you can.

Once the potatoes are cooked (probably about half an hour, check back and stir from time to time), add the mince and mix it all up. Season to taste, and turn up the heat a bit so that you have a slow simmer. Leave the whole thing for at least 45 minutes, although anything up to a couple of hours is fine.

You can serve with bread or oatcakes if you like, but it's fine by itself, too.

Mashed Up Chicken Pie

As submitted by Hooker1UK

Mashed Up Chicken Pie
(bit like shepards pie but i like it)

What you need: -

4 chicken breasts
Posh chicken gravy,
Potatoes
Butter
Milk
Salt and pepper

Large casserole dish

Chop the potatoes, and boil them until ready to mash. Whilst they're cooking chop the chicken into chunks and fry it off until cooked through and nicely browned. 

Once potatoes are ready, mash them carefully to ensure there are no lumps (this is important) adding, milk, butter and tiny amonuts of salt/pepper

Make posh gravy up, make sure it's not too watery it needs to be a bit stodgy

Place cooked chicken and stodgy gravy into casserole dish.

Place mash on top of gravy and chicken

Slap in the oven for about 20 mins until mash has crisped up on top

(Don't forget to make some veg up to go with it or it looks pure boring)

Mistress Spam's Soy Chicken and Veg Fried Rice.

Mistress Spam's Soy Chicken and Veg Fried Rice.

Ingredients:

- Diced Chicken breast
- Kikkoman or Sharwoods Soy Sauce (it's very important you use either of these brands as the rest are too sugary)
- Chilli Powder
- Petit Pois
- Julienne Carrots
- Chopped Bacon
- Long Grain Rice
- Black Pepper
- 2 Eggs
And anything else you think might taste nice fried in with the rice.

Method:

Cook the rice first, drain and leave to sit in a bowl covered.

Fry the chicken in a tiny bit of oil until nearly cooked and then add a generous splash of Soy Sauce so that all the chicken is browned in it, and sprinkle with Chilli Powder. Once fully cooked place to one side and wash the pan/wok as the bacon needs to be cooked in a very clean pan.

Steam the Peas and Carrots for 2-3 mins until al dente, line the pan by wiping it with kitchen roll that has salt and oil on it. fry the bacon then whisk 2 eggs and add to the bacon whisking as cooking. Next, add the veg to pan and stir fry for 1 minute, then finally add the rice and fry with Soy Sauce until the rice has a brown coating, grind black pepper over the top, add the chicken and serve.

Spangolin's Nyommy Toad In The Hole.

Spangolin's Nyommy Toad In The Hole.


This is my easy-peasy and very nyommy toad in the hole recipe. It takes about 40 mins to do, leaving you free most of the time to lounge about or attempt to woo the person you are cooking it for. The whole thing also only costs about a fiver.




Preheat oven to about 200 degrees or whatever that is for gas.

Put some oil (not too much, just a drizzle) in a casserole dish and put your sausages in (a whole
packet, don't be stingy now). Put in oven for about 10 mins, or until the tops of the snorkers go a bit brown. The point is not to cook them all the way through, just a bit.

Meanwhile, mix up:

100g plain flour
200g milk
1 egg

Whisky whisky until it's nice and smooth with no lumps. When your sausages are done (oil should be smoking, ideally, very hot), pour this all over it. Put back in oven, for 30 mins.

If after 30 mins there is still some sloppy bits in the middle, leave in for another 10-15 mins. Serve with bean, gravy, potatoes,whatever you like.

Morrybyte's "Fuck Me I Was Pissed Last Night" Hangover Omelette...

Morrybyte's "Fuck Me I Was Pissed Last Night" Hangover Omelette...


Guaranteed to make you feel fantastic. It doesn't require effort and is easier than anything else that requires cooking. May cause slightly sticky pan, use a teflon one if possible. Ace because all the weights and stuff are just made up - throw in what you feel like throwing in, the important part is how to do the eggs.

What you need:

- 3 eggs (4 if you're a fat bastard, 2 if you're on a diet or something)
- 200-400g of cheeses (doesn't matter which as long as they're hard.pfft, i wrote hard. In fact, just take any cheese you have that's about the size of your mobile phone - unless you've got one of those nifty slim ones).
- Ham, mushrooms, peppers, anything else you can think of. No potatos, they require too much effort.

Method:

Now, take your eggs and break them into a bowl (no eggshells, not cool. Pick them out with the finger you just scratched your arse with, mix with fork until the yellow stuff has mixed with the white stuff perfectly. May require a bit of speed, but we've got time. It is, after all, sunday morning. You can also use one of those mixer things, but they make a loud noise and I can't stand that with an already pounding brain.

Ok now leave that on the side, heat up the pan on the lowest setting whilst you reach for the cheese. It might be tempting to just use the brick of cheese you have now, but that would take too long to melt. The idea's a good one though, I respect your clarity of mind. Sorry, but you're gonna have to get the cheesegrater out. I tend to have done this step the night before, for some reason I find grating cheese hilarious when drunk. Go figure... Anyway work away, taking care not to open your arm up on the evil machine. You can use a knife instead and slice it into little squares, it's also fine.

Slice ham into about the width of sellotape and the length of your thumb. I said about, dont spend ages figuring it out. Peppers, well i get mine pre-sliced (Editor's Note - LAZY MORRYBYTE), but if you don't then cut one in half, take all the crap off and out and cut it into thing longish pieces. Next come the mushrooms, again, pre-sliced (What is the world coming to? - Ed) is ideal but if they're fresh just cut them into thin slices from the top down.

Throw all the stuff in with the eggs, mix until it's a thick, guey mess. Smells awesome, looks a bit rank.

The pan should be warm by now, turn setting to about middle, melt a slice of butter and spread around pan, pour in sludge. You should have the required equipment here, so get that pancake flippy thing that you never use anyway. Wait for the stuff to go a bit harder, you'll notice the bastard top isn't cooking. Using said pancake flippy thingy, lift the omelette a little and look underneath. Has it hardened yet? Is there any liquid flowing down? If not and it hasn't burned yet, turn it around. May look a bit worse the wear for it, dont worry it doesn't affect the taste.

When done, take off cooker, throw the omelette onto a plate or two. You're ready to tuck in, but not before the you put the pan into the sink, and turn the tap on for pleasing gush of steam.

Add salt/pepper. Looks absolutely disgusting, but is amazing.

Yumyum pig's bum!

Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream

Captn Hood-Butter's Fuck Off Piece Of Piss Simple Ice Cream What Any Cunt Can Make.

All you need is a pint of double cream, and a large tin of condensed milk. Mix together and add whatever you like, squished banana or other fruit, chopped up chocolate, any will do, even a fucking Mars Bar. With chocolate ice cream add some cocoa powder to the mix to make it a bit brown.

Stick it in a pot and freeze it. Simple.

ImNotRightBotheredMe's Quick & Sexy Italian

ImNotRightBotheredMe's Quick & Sexy Italian

Ingredients:

1 chopped red onion
Garlic (to taste)
Olive oil
Finely chopped salami
Passata
Pasta
Lots of black pepper

Method:

Cook pasta in plenty of salted boiling water until done
Fry onions & garlic in olive oil (whilst pasta cooks).
When onions and garlic has softend, add chopped salami & fry gently for around a minute
Add the passata, and the cooked pasta. Stir well.
Add LOADS of freshly ground pepper.

Fucking EAT

Lazy Bastard Pasta - Sent In By I'mNotRightBotheredMe

I'mNotRightBotheredMe's Lazy Bastard Pasta

Ingredients:

Pasta
1 carton passata with garlic & basil
Creme fraiche

Method:

Cook pasta in plenty of salty boiling water. When cooked so the pasta still has some 'bite' to it (al dente), drain and put pasta back into the warm saucepan.

Add passata & heat through gently. When almost ready to serve, add a dollop of creme fraiche. It is so very lazy, but really quite delicious.