Chocolate Chip Cookie & Banana Dessert

As submitted by DangerMouse

Take a pack of saxby's chocolate chip cookie dough
split into 24 and place a blob in each well of a mini-muffin tray
cook for slightly less than the stated time.

Remove from oven and while still hot and soft, squish it in the middle to make it into a pastry-case shape, (this can be the end of a
small rolling pin, or one of the special tools available from lakeland).

When it's cold, place a thick chink of banana in the bottom, spoon
over some caramel toffee sauce (editors note - get a can of condensed milk, put it into a saucepan, add some brown sugar and heat until really really thick. Try not to eat it all out of the pan, there's a dear). 

Top with extra-thick double (or whipped) cream.

Dust with cocoa and serve.

L-Space's Lamb with Red Wine and Redcurrant Sauce.

L-Space's Lamb with Red Wine and Redcurrant Sauce, Served With Baby Carrots, Savoy Cabbage and Garlic (and Rosemary) Mashed Potatoes.

A veritable knicker-remover.

Piss-easy, serves 2, cooks in approximately 30 minutes.

Ingredients:

For the meat:

4 x small lean lamb leg steaks
a good splash of olive oil
about 3 heaped teaspoons of redcurrant jelly
a large glass of red wine (any medium to full-bodied, cheap and drinkable wine will do)
about half a teaspoon of arrowroot, or a teaspoon of flour (optional)

For the accompaniments:

some potatoes - I prefer nice floury ones; how many depends on how hungry you are
butter - an ounce for the cabbage and to taste for the mash - preferably lots
a couple of teaspoons of olive oil
2 cloves of garlic
milk - to taste for the mash
2 teaspoons very finely chopped fresh rosemary (optional)
some baby carrots
Savoy cabbage

Instructions:

Peel the garlic, and crush the cloves a bit with the side of a heavy knife. Put the crushed cloves into a pan with your potatoes, and set them to boil. Heat the oil in a frying pan and cook steaks for about 4-6 minutes each side - don't overdo it, they will be much better slightly rare.
While the meat is cooking, chop the cabbage, and place in a pan with an ounce of melted butter and a teaspoon or so of oil. Cover, and cook gently for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Boiling the baby carrots will take about ten minutes too, so set these going at the same time.
Remove the steaks from the pan and keep them warm. Deglaze the pan (that just means scrape all the meaty bits off) with the wine, then add the redcurrant jelly. Let it boil until it reduces by a third to a half and thickens a bit. Optionally, for a thicker sauce, take the pan off the heat for a minute or two and sprinkle the arrowroot or flour on, whisking quickly to avoid lumps, then return to the heat to thicken. I usually don't find it necessary, to be honest.
Drain the potatoes, then return them to the heat for a minute or two to dry off and fluff up - shake the pan continuously or you'll burn them. Mash them completely (and the cloves of garlic that are in there) before adding the butter and milk. Stir the rosemary in to taste, if required.
Drain any excess from the cabbage and drain the carrots.

I present it as follows:
Arrange the cabbage into a ring towards the centre of the plate, and place the mash neatly in the middle.
Slice each steak at an angle through the short edge (so you get two thinner steaks) and fan them out on top of the potato. Chuck the carrots on the side, and pour the sauce over the top of the meat, then in a ring around the plate. To garnish, if you are so inclined, top it all with a tiny sprig of rosemary.

Wear a condom.

Chicken Stroganoff - sent in by SpoonMeiser

SpoonMeiser's Chicken Stroganoff


Stroganoff looks classy and sophisticated, and sounds pretty impressive because it has a forrin name. Very good for a romantic meal, or to impress a lady with your cooking skills.

Ingredients

I'm more of a 'feels about right' type of cook, so my proportions here might be a bit off. Do what ever feels right.

2 x chicken breasts (about one per person)
lots x mushrooms (different types too, if possible)
some x garlic cloves (amount depending on whether you're trying to get laid or not)
about 4 spring onions
some combination of soured cream and/or natural greek yoghurt
salt and pepper (coarse ground, if possible)
cooking oil of some description (I think olive works best)
rice, preferably wild rice (you know, the one with the black bits in)

Preparation:

Finely chop the garlic.
Thinly slice the chicken breasts.
Chop the spring onions with diagonal slices
Slice all the mushrooms

Method:

Fry the chicken in a wok with a bit of the garlic.

Once cooked, take out and keep warm.

Fry the mushrooms with the rest of the garlic. Try to use as little oil as possible here.

Add the chopped spring onion, fry briefly, and add the chicken back.

Reduce temperature, add soured cream and/or natural greek yogurt.

Stir everything together over a low heat. Don't let it boil - you don't want the cream/yogurt to seperate (getting this right is basically the only piece of skill you need).

Season with salt and pepper.


Serve with wild rice and stroganoff side by side on a plate (volcano formation isn't appropriate here), and a glass of white wine.
It looks more sophisticated if you serve small portions, but being a fat bloater, I never quite manage to do that.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Fucking Scones.

The Bollocks Of A Fucking Scone

Make or buy some scones. Cut the cuts in half then spread some strawberry jam on the top half. Do use the good stuff not that blue stripy value shit.

The Cream. Whisk a pint of double cream until stiff (the cream, that is) add the seeds from one vanilla pod and a teaspoon of sifted icing sugar.

The Strawberries. Slice some of those huge big fuck off strawberries. English ones are best but it’s not always fucking June is it!
Put them in a bowl with some castor sugar, and let them absorb the sugar for a good hour.

Now layer the strawberry slices on the bottom half of the fucking scone, spread half an inch thick dollop of the cream mix, then more strawberry slices, then cream etc. Don’t make it too tall or it will fall the fuck over.

When done, sprinkle some icing sugar over the top and drizzle some strawberry sauce over the top. To make the sauce, liquidise in a liquidiser or food processor some strawberries. Add a little icing sugar and a knob of butter and melt together in a cup for a few seconds in the microwave. Pass the sauce through a sieve to get rid of the fucking seeds and drizzle it over the fucking scone.

Badger Of Doom's Sticky Chicken & Noodles

Badger Of Doom's Sticky Chicken & Noodles

Serves: 2

Ingredients:

Two large chicken breasts on the on the bone.

Marinade:
Juice of half a lemon + some rind
2 tablespoons soy sauce
Good amount of olive oil
black pepper
1 tablespoon honey
1 tsp chilli powder
Decent amount of roughly chopped corriander

Method:

Marinade the meat for about 20-30 minutes.

Place in an oven at about 200 degrees in a deep baking tray with the marinade poured over the top and the chicken skin side down. Add some water to the tray to prevent the marinade from evaporating and sticking the tray.

Cook for about 10 minutes, then turn the chicken over to skin side up, spoon over the marinade and add some salt to the chicken skin.

Cook for a further 20+ minutes spooning the marinade over twice more. The skin should be crispy. Add more water to the tray if the marinade starts becoming too thick.

While cooking the chicken cook enough noodles for two people and drain them, leave them in the pan. Ideally they should be done just as the chicken is ready. The best way to do this is make sure the chicken is ready, turn off the oven and start the noodles as they don't take long to cook. When the noodles and chicken are done take the chicken off the tray and pour the contents of the tray into the drained noodles. Stir well then squeeze in some more lemon juice and mix again.

Serve the chicken on top of a bed of the noodles.

Tada!

Little Cheymonster's Chameleon Cheesecake - Sent In By Little Cheymonster

Little Cheymonster's Chameleon Cheesecake - 10 Easy Steps.

Specialist equipment:
Blender
Electric hand-whisk (optional but helps)
Rollin pin (optional)
8-inch push-up bottom tin (if making one big cheesecake)
Bun tin & bun cases OR specialised "mini-bun" tin with push-up bottoms but without bun cases (for mini cheesecakes only)


Suitable for: Anything, depending on the style of decoration and flavours you choose. Making mini-cheesecakes is great for parties, snacks, having mates around.. & you can get little 'uns to decorate their own if you're looking after any. A big cheesecake is an ace pudding.

Ingredients:

150g biscuits (any at all... Hobnobs and chocolate digestives are the best)
75g butter/marg
150g cottage cheese
150g double cream
50g caster sugar (optional)
125g yoghurt (whatever flavour you want the cheesecake to be)
2 eggs, separated
1 sachet gelatin (can get cheap from ASDA)
2tbsp water (or pure fruit juice of your choice if your cheesecake is fruit flavoured)

Method:

1) Bash in biccies. Use blender for fine crumbs, rolling pin for a chunkier texture (or for anger alleviation).
2) Melt butter in a pan, stir in biscuit crumbs, mix well.
3) Press into base of tin(s) in an even layer. Put in fridge.
4) Put water/fruit juice in small glass (shot glasses are good). Add a sachet of gelatin and ensure all the powder jellifies. If not, add more liquid.
5) Blend egg yolks, sugar (if using), yoghurt, cottage cheese until perfectly smooth.
6) Place glass of gelatine in hot water (DON'T get any water in the glass) until melted.
7) Add gelatine to liquid mixture - stir VERY well.
8) Whip cream until thick and fluffy and fold into mixture.
9) Whip egg whites until very very fluffy and fold into mixture.
10) Remove biccy base from fridge, pour mixture over. Replace entire thing in fridge for an hour or two.


Why is this called a Chameleon Cheesecake? You can do anything with it. Use any flavour yoghurt, (plain, toffee, cherry, lemon cheesecake) and yoghurts with chunks in etc. are good.

Add whatever else you want to the biscuit base (e.g. orange rind, coconut, peanuts, chocolate) or just experiment with ready-made biccies - half ginger biscuits and half rich tea is surprisingly nice.

Put anything else you want to the mixture (chopped fruit, nuts, liquorice allsorts, cake crumbs, rohypnol) providing it's not liquid. Heavy stuff may sink though.

You can dissolve the gelatin in warm honey, melted jam, even coffee.. but be VERY careful.

And once it's set you can decorate however you want.

NOTE: You can even make a cake/brownie base and pour the cheesecake mix on top. Or maybe have a base of a ton of fruit if you're an internet fatty. So, yeah. Enjoy

Gizmo's Speciality Cheesecake - Sent In By Gizmo.mp3

You'll like this. No, actually you'll LOVE it.

Measurements are a bit arbitrary, as I usually cook with the time-honoured measurements of 'a bit', 'a splodge', 'a dollop' and 'a load of'. Instruction given at 'catering-novice' (utter spack) level.

Gizmo's Special Mascarpone and Lime Cheesecake

Ingredients: -

500g Mascarpone (two normal-sized tubs)
125g Caster sugar
225g Digestives (Value ones are fine - possibly even better)
100g butter (or margarine, can't-believe-it's-not-butter, etc)
6 limes, the fresher the better
Cocoa powder for decoration

Equipment
1 large mixing bowl
1 wooden spoon/spatula
1 electric whisk
1 loose-bottomed cake tin
A way to create crumbs from digestives (blender or rolling pin, etc)
A way to melt the butter (mug and microwave, small saucepan, etc)
A zester or grater

Method

1. Make rough crumbs from the digestives. Melt the butter. Mix the two together in the mixing bowl with the wooden spoon to make the base mix, which should be quite sticky. Add more butter or crumbs if necessary.

2. Spread the base mix evenly into the bottom of the cake tin. Press it down, especially into the corners. Put the tin into the fridge to chill.
3. Wipe any remaining crumbs from the bowl, and zest the limes into it. Only remove the green layer of the skin, not the white pith. Teehee, 'pith'. Cut the limes in half and squeeze their juice thoroughly, into a glass. Remove as much of the flesh as possible (again, not the pith).

4. Add the cheese and sugar to the mixing bowl. Whisk slowly and add lime juice/flesh mixture by degrees. If the limes were fresh, they will have more juice and thus not all six will be needed. Once the mixture starts to form a smooth mousse, whisk faster to aerate. Add as much lime juice as you can, but stop before the mixture is no longer thick enough to stay on the wooden spoon when upturned.

5. Remove cake tin from fridge. Spoon cheese mixture onto the base, making sure to fill into the corners and tapping the tin on the worktop to remove bubbles.

6. Fridge overnight.

7. Remove from cake tin by placing a baked bean tin, or mug, or similar, underneath and pushing the outside ring gently downwards. Serve with a generous dusting of coca powder.

Notes:
a) You can make the base with chocolate covered digestives, Oreos, bourbon creams, ginger nuts, etc. Experiment.
b) Substitute tangerines and/or lemons for the limes to make a good alternatives to this: for the tangerine one I'd definitely use chocolate biscuits for the base.

Amorous Badger's Dead Classy And Sophisticated Chilli Prawns

Badger's Dead Classy And Sophisticated Chilli Prawns.

For the cooking inept who are trying to impress teh ladies. It looks good, tastes great and it's so easy to prepare that you still have time for a preparatory wank before your date arrives.


Ingredients:

About 300g of the best prawns you can find.
Shell on if possible but if you're too spacky or lazy to peel 'em, then peeled ones is good.

Fresh chillis(strength to taste, I prefer HOT ones cos you need less and it brings out the flavour of the prawns really well if you get it right).

Oil of your choice. I recommend lemon, garlic, good olive oil or chilli oil if you prefer not to risk chopping chillis/genitalia related incidents after cooking (especially important if you are hoping to get sexings).

Parmesan flakes, SERIOUS Stilton or some good Feta.

Nice pasta, multicoloured pasta is great if you can get it but it's really not that important what shape you get, amount to preference.

Salad. Again to preference. I like sweet peppers(red orange and yellow ones), rocket and/or good cress.

(optional)
French bread
Dipping oils and/or vinegars to taste.

How it's done:

Prepare your salad.
Prepare your cheese.

Chop and fry the chillis in your oil.

Prepare the prawns. This may involve simply opening the bag or shelling them. If shelling them, leave the tails on.
I don't know why.

Fry the prawns until done.
If you are using raw ones this until they are no long grey blue and are pinky-red(this is very important if you wish to avoid a dose of the shits).

While you are doing this cook your pasta.
For the cooking inept, about ten minutes in a pan of boiling water is enough.
You spack.

Add salad to circumference of plate.
Add pasta to centre of plate.
Place cooked prawns on top of pasta.
Add cheese to taste to salad and pasta, alternatively before serving put all your salad and pasta in a big dish, chuck in your cheese and toss it up(mix it round with your hands, not wank into it).

Serve.

Recommended drinks to go with this :

Greene King Beer To Dine For
A Good German or Czech Pilsner
San Miguel.
A nice light red wine(read the bloody labels in the shop, it's not HARD).
A light, not too sweet fruit juice or lightly flavoured mineral water if you MUST be poncey.

Editor's note - I don't usually put the recommended drinks in as this is down to you lot to decide for yourselves, but he is The Boyfriend, and as such gets away with these things

Mexican Chicken & Rice - Sent In By Shegetz

MEXICAN CHICKEN AND RICE

Description:
A more healthy alternative to the Spicy Beef & Sausage Bolongnacurry, with a leaner meat and more veg per serving. Frankly I don't know how you can cram more carbohydrate into a meal than is in this creation, so if you've got a big run or something in the evening, this would probably make a hearty lunch with just one chicken leg. Alternatively it's a pretty solid dinner or, for a better suggestion, if you're having a romantic night in, put in more rice and put it out on an extra-large plate as a reasonably healthy sharer (there's no garlic and not much chilli in this, so it won't ruin your breath too much, and the rice makes for less slurping than spaghetti).

Feeds: 1 or 2.

Ingredients:

- 0.5x Tin of chopped tomatoes.
- 1x Short spurt of tomato puree.
- A few splashes of chilli sauce
(Or you can replace the above with about a third of a jar of a Ragu sauce)
- 1 or 2x Spicy chicken legs (or just plain chicken legs and a reasonable spicy powder coating sachet)
- 1 or 2x cups of plain rice per person.
- 1x Pack of supermarket pre-packed fresh green salad.
- 3x Large closed-cup mushrooms.
- 1x Pepper (Red works best).
- 0.5x One spanish onion.
- 2x h/tbsp. Mediterranean Herbs seasoning.

Preparation:
- Place the chicken legs in a frying pan on a medium heat (not high or this will burn the coating, it's not a nice taste burnt) and, if you need to, add the seasoning powder. These are awkward to fry as they're an odd shape, so be sure to keep turning them regularly to ensure they get cooked all the way through everywhere. Once you've got a good pattern going, put the rice in a saucepan full of boiling water. (For timing purposes, most rice takes 15 minutes, whereas the chicken will take slightly longer. Put them both on at the same time so you can prepare the rice after it's cooked and the chicken can go straight out of the pan onto the rice).

- This is the boring part. Wait 15 minutes while the rice boils, stirring occasionally and continuing to turn the chicken legs. There really isn't much to do in this time, so spend it getting drunk, snogging your beau, plotting civil war, etc. You can chop the mushrooms, onion and pepper and drain the tomatoes of their surface water too, if you're really looking for something productive to do. Chuck the veg in with the chicken legs and fry them for a little while, as they wont cook too well on the lower heat we're going to have when we mix it all up and raw mushroom is not a pleasant experience.

- Once the rice is done, drain it and pour a kettle of boiling water over it to wash the excess starch off. If there's two of you, there should be a lot of rice. To save on the washing up, stick the rice straight back in the saucepan you just poured it out of and quickly dump half a tin of tomatoes and some puree, or your 1/3rd-tin of Ragu, in with it. Stir it all up quickly and ensure it's on a very low heat to avoid burning anything. Chuck in the vegetables you chopped earlier and stir them in as well. Once all the rice is nicely red - if you feel like adding more Ragu or tomatoes, now is the time to do it, along with any more chilli sauce - it's time to throw in a few lettuce leaves from your bag of salad. Make sure they don't go completely soft in the sauce, they add texture if left slightly crisp.

- Scoop the rice out onto the plate, and lay the chicken legs, which by now should be a nice browny orange colour with their spicy coating, next to each other to make the design look symmetrical.