Prem1um's Very Moorish Curry.

Prem1um's Very Moorish Curry.

A Very Moorish Curry
Feeds 4-6

Ingredients:

15g Cumin seeds
5g grated Ginger
4 finely chopped cloves of Garlic
1 bunch of fresh Coriander
2 tablespoons of Garamasala seasoning
Handful of roughly chopped fresh Birdseye Chillies
2 teaspoons of fresh Saffron
1 bunch of fresh Mint
200g fresh plain natural Yoghurt
25g Raisins and Sultanas
1 tablespoon of Crème Fraiche
1 tablespoon of Brown Sugar
1 tablespoon of Paprika
Rock Salt
Cracked Black pepper
Sunflower Oil
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
500g of good quality roughly diced dark red lamb
1 roughly diced Aubergine
2 roughly diced Sweet Green Peppers
1 roughly diced Sweet Red Pepper
3 large very finely chopped Red Onions
1 tin of Chick Peas, drained
1 tin of Chopped Tomatoes
Tomato Puree
100g of White Basmati Rice

Large wok or large deep ‘bucket’ frying pan
1 large saucepan
Sieve
Wooden spatula
Grater
Sharp knife
Chopping board

Method:

Start by slicing and dicing the vegetables and meat. Dry fry the Cumin seeds on a medium heat in your wok for around 2-3 minutes or until they start crackling and popping. Pour a healthy drop of Sunflower Oil and Olive Oil into the Cumin seeds and mix around. Mix in your finely chopped Red Onions, Garlic, Ginger and Birdseye Chillies and fry together until Red Onions are translucent. At this point, add teaspoons of Tomato Puree, Water and Paprika to form a thick paste. Turn heat up to medium/high and add Lamb and Sweet Peppers. While the meat is sealing, season with Rock Salt, Cracked Black Pepper and torn Coriander leaves. Mix well. When Lamb is browned, reduce heat to low and add Tinned Tomatoes, Chick Peas, Aubergine plus 500ml of water. Bring to the boil Mix in two tablespoons of Garamasala, Raisins and Sultanas, a handful of Coriander and stir well. Reduce heat and leave to simmer for 30-40 minutes. Garnish with a sprig of Coriander.

Meanwhile, bring a large saucepan of water to the boil. Add a few pinches of Saffron to water and stir. Rinse Basmati Rice under cold water for a few minutes then add it to boiling water with a pinch of salt. Bring to the boil again then reduce heat to simmer. Cook to taste.

Finely chop quite a few massive sprigs of mint – the more the better. Add to plain natural Yoghurt and mix in with a table spoon of Brown Sugar and a tablespoon of Crème Fraiche.

We have this with a selection of Poppadoms, Peshwari Naans, Chapatis and chilled Cobra beers!

Hoohah's Very Easy But Cocking Lovely Banana Bread.

Hoohah's Very Easy But Cocking Lovely Banana Bread.

This is very simple and is a good way to use up old bananas – the browner the better.

You will need:

Ripe bananas (no set amount, but should fill a mug when mashed up)
250g ish self raising flour
3tsp baking powder
110g ish butter/fat of your choice
200g ish sugar
2 eggs
minute amounts of salt, lemon juice, vanilla essence etc
Anything fruity or nutty you have lying about the kitchen

Method:

Cream together sugar and butter, add beaten eggs. Mash up bananas and add with your lemon juice and vanilla essence (1/2tsp each), and anything else you like – I often use chopped walnuts and cashew nuts, and blueberries work well too.

Sift flour, baking powder and pinch of salt, and mix into bananary goodness.

Grease a loaf dish, splodge in mixture, and bake at 190° for an hour and a quarter (or less time in a hotter oven, just keep an eye on it.)

This is nice as is, but if you want to make it sexier chop up some walnuts and caramelise quickly in brown sugar with a pinch of cayenne pepper, then drizzle the banana bread with a bit of maple syrup and sprinkle the nuts over the top.

Spangolin's Nyommy Toad In The Hole.

Spangolin's Nyommy Toad In The Hole.


This is my easy-peasy and very nyommy toad in the hole recipe. It takes about 40 mins to do, leaving you free most of the time to lounge about or attempt to woo the person you are cooking it for. The whole thing also only costs about a fiver.




Preheat oven to about 200 degrees or whatever that is for gas.

Put some oil (not too much, just a drizzle) in a casserole dish and put your sausages in (a whole
packet, don't be stingy now). Put in oven for about 10 mins, or until the tops of the snorkers go a bit brown. The point is not to cook them all the way through, just a bit.

Meanwhile, mix up:

100g plain flour
200g milk
1 egg

Whisky whisky until it's nice and smooth with no lumps. When your sausages are done (oil should be smoking, ideally, very hot), pour this all over it. Put back in oven, for 30 mins.

If after 30 mins there is still some sloppy bits in the middle, leave in for another 10-15 mins. Serve with bean, gravy, potatoes,whatever you like.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Fuck Off Bastard Hot Curry.

This is for 4 people or one fat bastard.


Captn Hood-Butter’s Fuck Off Bastard Hot Curry.


Cut up 4 onions and fry until just soft in what would seem like too much fucking oil. Use about 4 tablespoons full of bog standard veggie oil or sunflower oil but not that fancy Olive Oil shit. Take off the heat.

Spice mix: 1 teaspoon of cumin seeds, 1 teaspoon of turmeric, 2 dessert spoons of hot madrass powder, 1 dessert spoon of garam masala, half a teaspoon of coriander powder, fenugreek, black onion seed, ginger powder, chilli flakes (if you want it bastadly hotter) a whole (and this is the important bit) star anise crushed to powder and a dessert spoon of brown sugar.

Add the spices to the oily onions and bring back to heat so you are actually frying the spices. This releases the flavours from the spices. Don’t use spice that has been sitting on the rack for fucking years. It will not work you need to go to the nearest Asian Deli and get some in packets. They are quite cheap. Now stir the fucker until you get a dark brown paste. Add half a cup of water and a whole block of creamed coconut. (In Tesco, they come in 4 separate sachets in a box, put all sodding 4 in).

Heat until the coconut is melted then add a little milk until you get a nice creamy sauce. Add whatever floats your boat, fried off chicken or prawns and simmer for 10 mins. Leave to stand for 5 mins and serve. For lamb, cube up the lamb and sear in a pan, add the cunt to the curry and simmer for a whole fucking hour or it will be as tough as fuck. Keep stirring and add a little boiled water every so often to stop it going too thick. Serve with my special onion rice and onion bharjis.

Captn Hood-Butter’s Fucking Scones.

The Bollocks Of A Fucking Scone

Make or buy some scones. Cut the cuts in half then spread some strawberry jam on the top half. Do use the good stuff not that blue stripy value shit.

The Cream. Whisk a pint of double cream until stiff (the cream, that is) add the seeds from one vanilla pod and a teaspoon of sifted icing sugar.

The Strawberries. Slice some of those huge big fuck off strawberries. English ones are best but it’s not always fucking June is it!
Put them in a bowl with some castor sugar, and let them absorb the sugar for a good hour.

Now layer the strawberry slices on the bottom half of the fucking scone, spread half an inch thick dollop of the cream mix, then more strawberry slices, then cream etc. Don’t make it too tall or it will fall the fuck over.

When done, sprinkle some icing sugar over the top and drizzle some strawberry sauce over the top. To make the sauce, liquidise in a liquidiser or food processor some strawberries. Add a little icing sugar and a knob of butter and melt together in a cup for a few seconds in the microwave. Pass the sauce through a sieve to get rid of the fucking seeds and drizzle it over the fucking scone.

Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis

Captn Hood-Butter's Fucking Onion Bhajis

Right ! Get the chip pan on and get it fucking hot. That is slightly hotter than Bastard hot but not quite as hot as Fuck Off Cunting Hot.

Chop 2 onions into quite big bits add to two cups of self raising flour and a teaspoon of hot curry powder and a teaspoon of sugar. Add a pinch of cumin powder and half a teaspoon of turmeric. Add an egg yolk and a little at a time, drip water in it until it is just bound together and a little sticky. Drop dollops into the hot oil and deep fucking fry until dark golden brown. Drain and serve.